It’s all fun and games until someone gets eaten

14 Feb

Don't be lunch! Ashby has tips for a safe and healthy zombie relationship.

Worried that the besotted look in your zombie boyfriend’s eye is just hunger? Don’t panic. Amanda Ashby, official leader of Team Zombie and author of Zombie Queen of Newbury High, has your be-as-close-as-two-peas-in-a-pod-without-being-dinner plan right here. Follow her advice to getting devoured the right way!

Do you remember what it’s like the first time the cute guy at the coffee shop smiles at you and your stomach goes all flippy? Then you go on date and he does that adorable thing with his eyes and listens to you talk all night, only stopping every now and then to be witty and amusing, and when you tell your girlfriends about it afterward they swear that you are making up since no guy could be like that. And then you get to give them the smug smile because turns out that your guy is like that.

And by the third date you realize just how perfect his hair is (perhaps even more perfect than Zac Efron’s perfect hair) and you start to imagine what it would be like to live with him. But by the fourth date things start to change. Suddenly, instead of looking lovingly into your eyes, he’s sniffing your arm and picking up the ketchup bottle. Or you catch him having more than a nibble of your ear and too late you realize that Mr. Perfect isn’t actually looking for a relationship, he’s just looking for lunch.

Well, fear not because while it is virtually impossible to retrain any male (dead or alive) to put the forks in the correct drawer or hang up a wet towel after they’ve used it, it is in fact completely possible to retrain your zombie boyfriend to stop looking at you like you’re a double cheeseburger. Now, I’m not saying that it will be easy and there are times when you might reconsider dating Mike-the-guy-who-sneezed-every-two-minutes-for-three-hours-straight, but if you follow this process through to the end, I can guarantee that soon the only thing your new zombie boyfriend will be smelling is the perfume that he bought you on that romantic trip to Paris.

So what is the secret to turning your zombie guy around?

Simple. You need to make yourself look about as appetizing as a soggy plate of cabbage. You see, right now you’re dressing up and pulling out all the stops, which is the zombie equivalent of three Michelin stars. I mean literally all that has been missing from your dates is you climbing up onto the table and sitting on a plate. However, if you try the gym-hair, no makeup and the ugly dress that your aunt gave you for Christmas last year, your zombie guy will no longer be distracted by all the trimmings and soon he will be able to sit through an entire conversation without trying to imagine you covered in cheese.

Some women have even found that over time they can start reintroducing basic items back into their lives, like mascara and lip gloss (though please, nothing that smells because otherwise you are back to square one). So I hope that if you’re having zombie problems you will consider this method to help create the future that you and your brain-munching dead guy have always wanted to have.***

*Please be advised that the author of this article is in no way responsible for anyone who does accidentally get eaten while attempting to retrain their zombie boyfriend.

**And that if you do happen to get eaten and are therefore not dating your zombie boyfriend anymore, could you please pass me his number because they’re not lying when they say that there are no decent guys out there anymore.

***Again, very, very sorry if this article has lead to your being consumed by a zombie. Really not my intention at all.

Amanda Ashby has a degree in English and Journalism from the University of Queensland and is married with two children. Her debut book, You Had Me at Halo, was nominated for a Romantic Times Reviewer’s Choice award, and her first young adult book, Zombie Queen of Newbury High, was listed by the New York Public Library’s Stuff for the Teen Age 2010. Her latest release, Fairy Bad Day, has been selected by Voya as one of their Top Shelf Fiction for Middle School Readers 2012.

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