Hey, girl guides, does your workout need a shakeup? Have all your Downward Dogs become Downer Dogs? Your jumping jacks turned into jumping lacks? Pilates no more! A hot, new fitness craze is coming to a gym near you. Zomba Zumba is spreading faster than the H1Z1 virus itself.
And with good reason! This supercharged workout combines the cardio bennies of aerobics with the sleek-muscle-building addies of strength training. You get it all in one fun, energetic class.
“Let’s face it, zombies are total depressors,” says Zomba Zumba creator Olive Leandor, 23. “I mean, like, how can anyone keep their life energy up when zombies are around dropping limbs and losing eyeballs. They’re the second law of thermodynamics, like, right there in your face. Everything goes to crap, our bodies especially. Zombies are, like, a sneak peek of what happens when you turn 30.”
But zombies aren’t only decay; they’re inspiration, too—at least for Leander. “Watching my boyzomb lumber up the steps to my apartment, I realized rot creates resistance. And we all know resistance is core to maintaining your core. So I created Zomba Zumba to maximize, like, the zombie’s natural advantages.”
Not sure Zomba Zumba is right for you? Check out the deets!
What: A one-hour workout that incorporates a zombie’s natural resistance with hip-hop, soca, samba, salsa, guacamole, merengue, ferengi, mambo, ju jitsu, tae kwon do, cro-magnon, belly dancing and Civil War reenactment to torch calories and sculpt lean muscle
You’ll need: An open mind, a willing spirit and a 10- to 20-pound BodyRotLove BodySuit™ with enough FreshMeat refills for a month. (For maximum results, store at room temperature.) The biometric breakthrough of the BodyRotLove BodySuit is the more the FreshMeat decays, the heavier the suit gets. By Sunday, you’re working with twice the resistance as Monday. How’s that for upping the effort?!
How: Put on your BodyRot suit and show up for class. It’s that simple. (Be sure to don your suit after you get to the gym, as BodyLove Incorporated is not responsible for any accidents that may happen while wearing BodyLove gear or accessories.)
Who: Each Zomba Zumba class is led by a licensed instructor trained in dance, aerobics and meat processing.
Where: A gym near you
Next up: Zomba Zumba for Zombies. “Being dead is no excuse to let yourself go,” says Leandor of her ambitious plan to get zombies out on the workout floor. “People say things like, ‘Hello, they’re corpses. There’s no benefit to their working out.’ But, like, it’s the same with old people and we still encourage them to get up and move. Exercise helps everyone, even, like the people it doesn’t help.”
What are you waiting for?