It’s no secret that dating a zombie isn’t for everyone, and here at the Girls’ Guide we pride ourselves in embracing dissenting views. In the following, zombie expert Jesse Petersen, author of the supremely funny Living with the Dead trilogy, shares why she thinks dating a zombie isn’t such a good idea. She’s written three books on the subject, so perhaps she knows something we don’t!
First off, thanks so much to Lynn for having me today as a guest on the blog. I especially thank her since my topic is one so very far from her own opinion on this subject. I mean, date a zombie?? I’ve always thought my first reaction (and the reactions of all my characters) would be to kill a zombie and think about dating last. So I would like to offer a bit of an alternative advice to those considering dating a zombie.
5 Reasons Not to Date a Zombie (Out of 50,000)
1. Lack of upward mobility
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there are going to be a lot of zombies. Really, it will be the “it” thing to do, so you’d think that would mean a zombie would be a great guy to date. He’s not. There’s no upward mobility in it. Once you’re a zombie, you’re a zombie. There aren’t upper management zombies. Or doctor zombies. And it’s not that you need a guy who is going to move on up, but dating a guy who has no chance of upward mobility is dating a man who is stalled in his life. No fun.
2. He’s always checking out other girls…and guys
Cheating is just a no-no, and it can come in a lot of forms. With a zombie boyfriend, he’s always going to be looking around at other people. Now it won’t be for sex…but he’s going to want someone else for their brains. Can you live with that? With not being the only brain for him?
3. His sense of humor is stilted
Imagine a lifetime of this one joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Brains.” That’s it. That’s the whole joke. He’s not going to learn another one.
4. Body parts coming off during sex
Sexual compatibility is a big part of a good relationship, and I’m sure there are some zombies that still remember all the right moves. And since their muscle fibers and tissues are breaking down, they can also probably move around in some really crazy ways. But if a leg comes off in the middle of the sexy,
it’s going to scar you for life. I don’t care how freaky you are!!
5. Also, he wants to kill you
This is biggest reason not to date a zombie. He’s going to moan and groan and make all the right hand gestures, but when he smells your hair, it’s not about how hot he thinks you are. It’s about that tasty brain you’re keeping in your skull cavity. That’s what he wants, girl! Your brain. And even though we’ve all spent
decades exclaiming how we want guys to love us for our brains, in this case, it’s really not going to work…unless you want to zombie up, too.
So make your decision about who you pursue after the apocalypse comes, but don’t let some hot piece of zombie ass make you forget the pitfalls. Aim for the head, protect your brain.
Jesse Petersen is the author of many novels, including the truly hilarious Married With Zombies, Flip This Zombie and Eat, Slay, Love. Until the zombie apocalypse, she lives in the Midwest with her husband and two cats. Find out more about her at jessepetersen.net or follow her on Twitter @jessepet.