Zombie sex. You’ll be surprised.

14 Oct

I know what you’re thinking: zombie sex—ewww.

Ewwwww.

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

All done?

Oh, wait, one residual one? OK.

Ew.

Great. Now that that’s out of your system, let’s move on.

There are many misconceptions about zombie sex—and in the coming months I will discuss all of them here—but the single most enduring one is that zombie sex is gross and disgusting and completely revolting. In a study conducted by Geiser and Meyser Zombaceuticals, 58 percent of respondents said the thought of having sex with a zombie makes them throw up in their mouth.

Fair enough.

But the revulsion women feel at the thought of zombie sex has little to do with the modern, twenty-first century zombie and everything to do with the squidgy, smelly, putrid zombie of generations past. Previous species of zombies smelled like rotten meat mixed with dog crap and decayed at a rapid rate, their skin sliding off their frame like soggy pieces of bacon. Their gnarled teeth tore at their human victims with single-minded mendacity. Their garbled voices hurled growls into the dark night with ferocious hunger.

Any sane human being would feel nauseated at the thought of touching such a disgusting creature.

However, the modern, twenty-first-century zombie is nothing like his predecessor. The variant Y zombie is able to distinguish between higher order and lower order animals. He doesn’t crave human brains. This abstention has paved the way for a groundbreaking revolution in zombie pharmaceuticals. With the right regimen of zombaceuticals, today’s zombie is cleaner, firmer, sweeter smelling, better mannered and just plain nicer than his forerunner.

Zombie sex. You’ll be surprised

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