The truth about zombie walks

20 Oct

Sure, they seem like a good idea—warm spring day, bright blue sky, good friends, happy chatter, genteel exertion. By all accounts, strolling down the city street with your zombie in the company of like-minded women sounds like a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon. You get some fresh air; your zombie gets some exercise. When you both get hungry, you stop at a charming little French cafe for steak et brains au poivre. Why wouldn’t you want to participate?

But the pastoral elegance of the modern urban zombie walk hides a seething underbelly of crass materialism.What was once an egalitarian outing has become a status parade as more and more women see the weekly walk as an opportunity to show off their boyzomb in all his bedazzled glory, from his diamond-studded tiara to his vintage Alexander McQueen plumage to his 18-karat-gold ankle bracelet. Couples who show up in neat, color-coordinated Gap separates are looked upon with scorn. A few minutes at a zombie walk and you’ll find yourself transported to the lunchroom in high school. Think you didn’t sit at the cool table back then? Just wait until you try to walk your zombie to the front half of the promenade. A Maginot Line of stiff cashmere shoulders will beat you  back. The fine for walking above your station is pure humiliation—and $35. (Do note: The Provisional Government Authorities no longer enforce fines issued by the Society for the Ethical Glamorization of Zombies.)

But that’s not the only reason to abstain. The National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People strongly objects to the offensive use of leashes for directing your zombie boyfriend—a core practice at any zombie walk. I agree. As I’ve clearly stated before, a boyzomb can be controlled entirely by a regimen of diet and drugs. A well-fed and well-medicated zombie will walk docilely beside you down any street in the world. Only zombies who aren’t looked after properly are prone to rampages. Fine feathers will never supplant fine pharmaceuticals.

There are many great alternatives to a zombie walk—visiting the park, going to the farmers’ market, strolling along the river, taking a ferry ride. (Just be sure to check out yesterday’s post The public problem: how to take your zombie out and not die of embarrassment before you head out.) Remember, there are loads of things you can do with your boyzomb—and none of the require a leash!

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