Hat attack!

27 Oct

If you said a, b, c or d, you’ve been watching too many movies.

You’re not the only one. A staggering 82 percent of women in the United Provisional Authority believe zombies love to wear hats, according to a recent survey by XombieLife magazine. And that’s not all: 34 percent believe that putting a yarmulkes on a zombie automatically makes him Jewish.

Why all the lid legends?

The roots of the popular myth go back to the beginning of the variant Y outbreak, when a squad of zombified French Legionnaires in full uniform attacked the Ain Sebaa zoo in Casablanca. The image of the Legionnaires, their pristine white kepis firmly affixed to their heads as they devoured a herd of wildebeest, quickly became the symbol of the world’s decline—the stiff cap of civilization sitting atop a rotting head. The major news outlets reported widely, and erroneously, that this new breed of zombie had an instinctual love of headgear. In reality, they simply lacked the physical dexterity to undo the strap.

And yet the belief persists, sending hundreds of women to the hospital every year with zombie-hat-related injuries. Avoid being one of them: Keep your hat far away from your boyzomb’s head.

But there’s good news too: Zombies aren’t entirely accessories-adverse. They adore shoes—sandals, wedges, stilettos, pumps, boots, flats, heels, you name it. What’s more, they love to go shopping for shoes. Their taste is impeccable, their sense of style inimitable, and a zombie will never, ever complain that you have too many pairs!

Hat for shoes? Hello, fair trade!

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