Whither the withered? How to find your new zombie boyfriend

1 Nov

Zombies! They’re seemingly everywhere we look—roaming our streets, roving our parks, meandering through our restaurants—and yet most of us don’t have a clue how to meet one.

Don’t despair! Finding a boyzomb is a lot easier than you think, and in this new, four-part series, I tell you exactly what to do. In each post, I discuss a different method in detail and provide the steps you need to get started. Not sure which method is right for you? No problem. Simply read the “best suited for” column below and think about what you’re looking for in a relationship. Then go out and nab the zombie boyfriend of your dreams!

Method 1: Culling the herd

Best suited for:

  • Women on a budget
  • Women with wilderness training
  • Women with time on their hands
  • Women with patience
  • Women who always see the best in every situation

What it entails: Culling a zombie from the herd requires traveling by train to the wilds of suburbia and finding a completely unmedicated zombie to bring back to the city and domesticate. Tracking down a herd of untamed zombies is easy; they tend to stick to the vacant aisles of big box strip mall stores and the empty streets of abandoned housing developments. Once you locate the herd, pick the zombie that seems the most well preserved and lure him away with a package of Mrs. Yummikin’s Prepackaged Preseasoned Cat’s Brains.

The advantages: The biggest advantage to an unmedicated zombie is price. It is your cheapest option by far, setting you back only the price of a train ticket to suburbia. (Savvy girl tip: Zombies travel free on Tuesdays.) Untamed zombies tend to congregate near the city walls, so you don’t have to go deep into the wilderness. For example, if you live in New York City, you do not have to travel all the way out to the Hamptons or even the Suffolk County border. A short trip to Floral Park on Long Island, White Plains in Westchester or Englewood Cliffs in New Jersey is sufficient.

The disadvantages: Unfortunately, culling from the herd is not for the faint of heart. Although it’s true that suburbanites no longer shoot urban dwellers on sight, they are still hostile to city folks and will not invite you into their illegal squats for tea or point you in the direction of the nearest Wal-Mart. Don’t worry. All you need to protect yourself is a declaration-of-intent sign from your local pharmacy or bodega. The poster board clearly states that you are happy in the city and will not move back to the suburbs. As it has been five years since the Provisional Government Authority revoked the Abundance and Scarcity Reallocation Act, most suburbanites are slowly beginning to realize that their illegally seized land isn’t about to be illegally seized by refugees fleeing from the city. In a few more years, traveling to the suburbs will be completely safe.

Domesticating an untamed zombie requires effort, patience and diligence. A roamer has had no exposure at all to medication and as such has a entirely unregulated diet. It feeds whenever it wants on whatever animal it can scavenge. Medicating that instinct out of the zombie takes four to six weeks, during which time you will have to keep constant watch over your zombie. If he eats a neighbor’s pet or hunts outside state-mandated dining hours, you are subject to a $500 fine and a maximum penalty of five days in jail.

One of the biggest disadvantages to culling the herd is purely aesthetic. The putrefaction level in untreated zombies is usually quite severe. Most wild zombies have lost at least one limb, one facial feature and several layers of skin. Start an immediate course of drugs to slow down decay, neutralize the smell and firm skin.

Conclusion: Culling the herd is the perfect way to find a boyzomb for the woman who has more time than money and eschews easy achievement for the personal satisfaction of hard-won accomplishment. Culling the herd is for the woman who can do anything and isn’t afraid to prove it.

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