You’re a smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, reasonably attractive (if you do say so yourself!) heterosexual female. You can totally do better than an animated clump of rotting flesh that lives only to consume brains, right?
Right! You are completely awesome and absolutely deserve one of the approximately 3000,000 men left on earth, and with a ratio of 10,000 women to every man, you’ll have no problem finding one!
Uh-oh, what’s that? Feeling some of your confidence slipping away? Don’t worry. Zombies have it all over human males in a variety of ways. Don’t believe me? Check out the top five.
- Full equality! Your zombie boyfriend won’t feel threatened by your job or how much money you make. What’s more, he won’t complain if you have to cancel plans because of work. He’ll support your career 110 percent and will never require you to compromise it for the good of your relationship.
- Sociability! Your zombie boyfriend will get along great with all your friends. He’ll never make an obnoxious comment about Sadie’s pretentious dinner parties or Catherine’s appallingly bad fake British accent, and he’ll happily go see your old college roommate in her one-woman off-off-Broadway play, The Menopause Diaries, for the fourth time.
- No quibbling over clothes! Your zombie boyfriend will let you dress him any way you want. His sense of style is your sense of style. Bow tie? Yes, please. Waistcoat? Double-breasted preferred. Bolero? Bring it on!
- Elementery etiquette! Your zombie boyfriend will never take out his smartphone and look up the score of the Yankees game in the middle of a romantic dinner for two. He has complete respect for your together time—but he won’t mind if you sneak in a text to your BFF.
- Complete devotion! Your zombie boyfriend won’t wince at the word commitment or leave you wondering if he’ll call. Dating a zombie means no more mind games, no more sitting by the phone, no more will-he-or-won’t-he conversations, no more ugly scenes at your cousin Judy’s wedding, no more drama. Your days of obsessing over your boyfriend’s every word and action are behind you. Rejoice!