Zombie’s little helper

29 Nov

Zombavan. Zombaline. Zombolay. Zomblosec. Zomblichol. Zombitrex.

There are so many zombie pharmaceuticals available today, it’s enough to drive one zombocrazy and send you running for the shelter of an entire bottle of zombavalium. But don’t despair: Finding the right drug regimen for your boyzomb takes only a little bit of effort.

And trust me, it’s entirely worth the effort. An au naturel zombie isn’t pretty.  Remember bipolar cousin Daisy in a manic fit at last year’s family picnic? That scary energy? That crazed look? That strange brightness to her cheeks? All those words pouring out in no particular order?

That’s your boyzomb off his meds.

Terrifying, right?

Some members of society vociferously complain that the use of chemicals to control zombie behavior is turning zombies into, well, zombies. But the truth is we wouldn’t have much of a society without them. It’s only with the advent of zombaceuticals that zombies have become a nondestructive force on civilization. Prior to the first zombie medication, the walking dead were walking appetites. They ate constantly, always foraging for small critters, frequently in your living room.

Of course, the impulse to respect a zombie’s natural brain chemistry—or, rather, his lack thereof—is sincere and understandable. But foregoing zombaceuticals for a more instinctive approach means selling short the exceptionalism of the variant Y zombie. Look at the facts: Variant Y is the first zombie plague not to infect woman. It’s the first zombie plague not to lust after human brains. Why do these exceptions exist? Some cynics insist they are merely unexplained aberrations in the history of zombie behavior. But scientist speculate that these exceptions purposefully exist to provide us with the opportunity to harness the zombie energy for good. The variant Y zombie isn’t the ferocious monster of previous generations by design, and it is our special obligation to help these reliving creatures to become productive members of society.

The secret to a happy, well-adjusted zombie is getting the zombaceutical regimen right.  In the chart below, find the most commonly prescribed drugs and their general recommended doses. Actual doses may vary depending on the height, weight and rate of decay of your zombie.

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The way your boyzomb smells like a lethal combo of two-week-old dead cow and microwaved halibut. Scent sanitizer It neutralizes zombie smells from the inside. Two 5 ml vial injections daily for first month, then one 3 ml vial daily Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser
($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit)
When your boyzomb’s finger falls off Limb reinforcer It reinforces the fibers that connect limbs to the body. One 10 ml vial injection daily; one 20 ml superdose monthly Zombavan from Squibblet and Squegee ($5/ regular dose; $20/superdose)
Getting scratched by your boyzomb’s rough skin Moisturizer It eases the drying effects of death and decay. Apply cream to skin morning and night. Zombaline Day and Night Complete Regenerationiste from Geiser and Meyser
($90/3 oz jar)
The strips of skin that peel off your boyzomb’s body Firming serum It improves skin cohesion. Apply a generous amount of serum before moisturizer at night. Zombolay WearRepair Serum by Marper, Harper and May ($120/ 2 oz jar)
Your boyzomb’s inability to get fully into the mood Erectile dysfunction medication It creates an erection that lasts up to four hours. One 10 ml injection whenever you’re rarin’ to go Zombiagra by Geiser and Meyser ($4/dose)
Some of your boyzomb’s worst instincts Behavioral modification medication It regulates appetite, increases pronunciation skills and improves behavior. three 5 ml injections daily Zombichol by Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose)
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