Slaughterhouse jive: Find love at the local abattoir with these easy steps

6 Dec

Zombies! They’re still everywhere and yet you still can’t figure out how to meet one! Don’t worry. If the first method, culling the herd, wasn’t for you—and don’t blame yourself: Most women can’t bear the thought of braving the wilds of suburbia!—maybe method number two is. This method entails visiting a slaughterhouse and having cocktails with your friends. Interested? Read on.


Best suited for:

  • Women with a can-do spirit who don’t want to do too much
  • Women who are budget-conscious but not budget-constrained
  • Women with a moderate amount of spare time
  • Women with an adventurous sense of fun

What is entails: Given how naturally drawn to slaughterhouses zombies are, it was only a matter of time before these meat facilities became meet facilities. Enterprising owners, noticing the swarm of women around the swarm of zombies, added dance floors and bars to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. To find your honey at a slaughterhouse, simply put on your best duds and head down to the nearest hotspot (check local listings).

The advantages: Visiting the slaughterhouse is an easy, low-risk way to meet a potential boyzomb. You can show up whenever you want and check out the stock with little effort or emotional investment. Don’t see anything you like? Leave and come back another day. Shy about going alone? No problem. Take along your best pal or your posse and turn it into a girls’ night out. Order drinks, nibble on light fare and catch up with your GFs before looking for BZs. The evening doesn’t have to be all about finding a zombie.

The other advantage to a slaughterhouse zombie is he’s already on the road to domestication. All zombies living within city limits are on state-mandated appetite suppressants, so his desire to feed constantly is under control. You simply have to augment the regimen with limb-retention supplements, firming creams and odor neutralizers.

The disadvantages: Slaughterhouses are not free, most requiring a cover charge and two-drink minimum. A typical evening can run you fifty to sixty dollars. Some places offer better value than others. The Green Mosquito on Gansevoort in New York City, for example, has a VIP lounge, karaoke rooms and a comedy club where bands also perform on the weekends.

Another drawback is the popularity of such joints means the competition to meet zombies is fierce. Don’t expect to make a love connection simply by showing up. At a slaughterhouse, you have to assert yourself. Keep it polite—remember, we’re still ladies—but don’t defer to anyone. If you see something you like, go after it. Otherwise, all you will have at the end of the evening is lots of regret and a large bar tab.

Lastly, at the slaughterhouse, you won’t get a perfectly groomed specimen. City zombies live easier lives than roamers in the burbs, but they’re still rough around the edges. Limb retention is good but not one hundred percent, so expect a missing arm, leg or nose here and there. Likewise, the worst of their odor should be tempered by slaughterhouse-administered perfume dust, but their smell can still make you queasy. Be prepared for a long de-scent-ization process.

Conclusion: Visiting a slaughterhouse is the perfect method for the career girl who wants a boyzomb but is wary of commitment. She’s not afraid to have fun and nourishes strong personal connections with her friends. A little effort doesn’t scare her, but she’s not in it for a long haul. A shortcut or two is just fine with her!


4 Responses to “Slaughterhouse jive: Find love at the local abattoir with these easy steps”

  1. mbm8377 January 20, 2012 at 11:27 am #

    HAHAh Slaughterhouse Jive! I love it 😀

    Love that there’s the blog to go along with the book. How fun! 😀

    • zombiedating January 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

      Thank you! I had to think for, like, ten minutes with both hands to come up with that headline.

      • mbm8377 January 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

        Well it’s fairly brilliant 😀

  2. ~Mike February 25, 2012 at 4:42 am #

    Ha this is a lovely serendipitous find! I spent my night dreaming of being chased around by zombies, and recently a friend came up with a brilliant name for a healthy fast food place, so when I woke up this morning I was thinking of the name of an Amsterdam based vegan ‘coffee’ shop to text him back, Slaughterhouse Jive was the first thing I thought of!

    Liking the idea of your book, and if the perfume dust isn’t enough to allay the queeze-factor of your zomboy’s natural aura, perheps you could get the girls together and petition the (b)aaargh-tender to replace the mixers with cans of Dead Bull, that stuff will overwhelm the scent of almost any stage of decay. 🙂

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