As anyone who has seen a zombie get mowed down by a bus during rush hour knows (and, honestly, who hasn’t?), their coordination and sense of awareness leave a lot to be desired. And crossing the street is the least of it. During the average day, a zombie runs into 16.35 occasions of potential extinction, according to new research from the Zombie LifeWorth Network. Make his existence at home a little safer with these easy fixes.
Go un naturel. We all know there’s nothing more romantic than dinner by candlelight, but a charred zombie hardly makes for a pleasant dining companion. The smell of burnt putrified flesh can make even the most pungent coq au vin unappetizing. Protect your zombie from the irresistable lure of fire (“Ooh, bright, shiny, flickering. Me want to cuddle.”*) by using only electric lights. Neither one of you will be particularly complimented by the harsh glow of fluorescent bulbs but you won’t be flambéed—and that’s a good look for everyone!
Step away. A zombie’s focused, straight-ahead stare, although flattering when you’re wearing a particularly lovely new dress, can be deadly when stairs are involved. Zombies never look down, which means they frequently fall down stairwells and shaftways and over the sides of cliffs. You can’t protect your boyzomb from all the hazards of modern life, but a zombie gate at the top of the staircase can go a long way toward ensuring he remains unharmed in the home. Buy a gate specifically designed for zombies, such as ZafetyFurst’s One_Press Peace of Mind Gate ($39.99); it opens easily and with little fuss. Gates designed to keep out babies and toddlers often have complicated latches. Your zombie isn’t as smart as a 1-year-old, so there’s no reason to treat him like one!
Take the high ground. Zombie-proofing isn’t about protecting only your zombie from harm; it ‘s also about protecting your favorite things. A zombie’s lumbering gait might be great for stomping grapes into wine, but it can spell disaster for your fine antiques. Store all objects of emotional or financial value on the top shelf. To gauge if the shelf is high enough, compare it to the shoulders of your zombie. If it clears them by two inches, you’re fine. Typically, a zombie won’t reach up for your grandma’s beloved Ming vase unless it’s coated with animal brains. Make sure all bookshelves, display stands and cabinets are sturdy. Look for ones rated 3 zombforce; furniture with a 3 zombforce rating can withstand the weight of three zombies knocking into it at the same time.
Zombie-proofing might seem like a drag, but it’s easy once you put your mind to it. Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be set for life—your zombie’s life, that is!
* Simulated zombie thought only. Actual zombie thought not yet determined to exist.