Your zombie said wha…?

31 Jan

We’ve all been there—at the snack counter at the movie theater and you turn to your zombie date and ask if he wants a little something brainy to munch on during the film and he says, “Argh gaw.” Or was that “Gargh yaw”? Maybe “Argh yaw”? “Gargh gaw”?

The movie starts. The opening credits roll. You stand there baffled.

The truth is, yes, zombies, with their undifferentiated vowels and all those glottal stops, are hard to understand. But it doesn’t have to be impossible. First, take this quiz to find out how much you have to learn. Then come back tomorrow for tips on how to improve your comprehension. You and your boyzomb will be bantering like Hepburn and Tracy in no time!

1. Ugh means…
a) Ugh
b) Oog ergh grrr
c) Is this a tow-away zone?
d) I’m hungry.

2. Grr means…
a) Grr
b) Ergh neh argh
c) Is alternate side of the street parking in effect?
d) I’m full.

3. Ergh means…
a) Ergh
b) Grr oog ugh
c) Do you have change for the meter?
d) I want to dance.

4. Oog means…
a) Oog
b) Ugh ow neh
c) Is this permit parking only?
d) I want to watch football.

5. Neh means…
a) Neh
b) Ugh ergh grrr
c) How can I appeal a ticket?
d) Nice shoes

If you chose mostly As…
Like most women on the planet, you’ve written off the various moans and groans of the zombie as, well, various moans and groans. No need to be embarrassed. It’s perfectly natural to assume a groan is a groan is a groan. The zombie language is unsophisticated but it exists.

If you chose mostly Bs…
Unlike our mostly-As friends, you’re willing to give zombies the benefit of the doubt. Sure, they’re not capable of communicating with humans, but they can converse with others of their own species subcategory. What they’re actually saying to each other doesn’t matter so much as they have the ability to say it. Like two dogs barking at each other, zombies know what they need to know and not an iota of information more.

If you chose mostly Cs…
Congratulations! You understand the sophistication of zombie language even if you’ve overestimated the substance of it. Yes, zombies are fond of cars and enjoy attacking them as frequently as possible (perhaps because they think they’ve got tasty rhino brains inside, as some zombologists have suggested). But their love of automobiles stops short of dissecting parking rules. But perhaps that’s only for now. New zombaceuticals improve zombie accomplishments daily.

If you chose mostly Ds…
Hello, savvy woman. Nothing gets by you. You might not be hip to all the ins and outs of zombese, but you know something significant is going on. And go, you, for keeping your expectations in line with reality. With their guttural grunts and groans, zombies are indeed expressing basic needs. Tuning into the subtleties of their language will help you communicate your needs as well. Tomorrow, all you need to create a harmonious relationship with your cutie-pazoombie.

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2 Responses to “Your zombie said wha…?”

  1. ariella February 1, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    I was a C girl! I guess because parking rules my life. Can we get any more funding for the drugs that will allow the zombie to handle move the car or at least late wait calmly in it while double parked?

    • zombiedating February 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

      The physical dexterity required for turning a steering wheel is still decades away, but you can leave a zombie in an idling/parked/broken-down car for hours right now–and you don’t even have to crack a window!

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