Zombie sex misconception #5: Zombies don’t have sex drives

27 Feb

Although the zombie sex drive seems like a recent invention, it has in fact been present in every species of zombie since time immemorial. Zombies, despite their demonlike appetites, are members of the natural world, and every living thing in the natural world has a sex drive. We did not see evidence of it in the three previous zombie outbreaks—the plagues of 1867, 1910 and 1964—because it was overpowered by the zombies’ hunger drive. The two drives coexist, but when the desire for flesh is stronger than the desire for “flesh,” the latter appears not to exist at all.

By controlling the variant Y zombie’s hunger drive, zombaceuticals have freed up his sex drive. So zombies want sex. A lot.

The desire for sex, however, is not always accompanied by the ability to have sex, and in this zombies need a little help. Based on the late-twentieth-century treatment model for erectile dysfunction, drugs like Zombiagra and Zombialis can create a sustained erection for approximately four hours.

Many critics point to the need for drugs as proof that zombies shouldn’t have sex. But history refutes this theory. According to a 1998 study, 5 percent of forty-year-old human males and 15 to 25 percent of sixty-five-year-old human males were unable to—in the vernacular of the time—get it up. Finding a medical solution to their physical problem was hailed as breakthrough. No less can be said for the zombies’ affliction.

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