Guys! Guys! Guys!

1 Mar

Welcome to the other side of the looking glass!

Today, for the first time ever, the Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies turns its steely gaze and keen intellect to the matter of—wait for it—men.

Yep, you read that right. In this one-time-only, three-part series, we discuss the other half of the species: that elusive creature known as the unzombified human male.

What is there to say about him? Frankly, not much. After the great H1Z1 outbreak of 2000, the UHM went into seclusion—in penthouse suites, castle courtyards and ski chalets—and never reemerged. Instead, he chose to avail himself of the many luxuries bestowed on his randomly immune Y chromosome.

In the first installment in our series, we address the eternal question, What do men do? Not surprisingly, they work in exclusive industries that, prior to the outbreak, were not available to the vast majority of them. Here, a breakdown of the zombified human male population by occupation. As you can see, none of them are manning the checkout counter at the local bodega.


Stat source: International Institute of Men's Studies


52.4 percent: movie star 
Post-plague, any man, regardless of looks or talent, can be a movie star; all it takes is immunity and a willingness to show up at the appointed hour.

19.6 percent: companion
For one hundred bucks a pop, a man will sell the simple pleasure of being in his company, and the pleasure stops there: For a Benny Franklin, all you get is the right to occupy the same space as a man and a keepsake photo; conversation is extra.

12.5 percent: sperm donor
 Unlike sperm donation centers of previous generations, current ones have no genetic or medical requirements. All donators are welcomed and provided with a generous living.

11.9 percent: pharmaceutical researcher
This is a fancy way of saying pampered guinea pig. To find a cure to the zombie plague, drug companies need unlimited access to the DNA of survivors, and those who are willing and able to provide it can have their every desire fulfilled.

3.6 percent: other
No hard data exists for this segment of UHMs, but the IRS speculates that they are the intimate friends of extremely successful women (read: companions with benefits).


2 Responses to “Guys! Guys! Guys!”

  1. Zombie Spirituality March 5, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    Great stuff, love the idea of this.

  2. zombiedating March 5, 2012 at 10:01 am #

    Yay. Parts 2 and 3 (“How to Find a Guy” and “What to Do When You See One”) should be up soon.

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