Summer loving with the living dead

14 Aug

Summer doesn’t have to be a bummer just because your main squeeze gets extra squishy in the heat. We’ve got your fun-in-the-sun survival tips right here.

1. Lay it on thick. Increased temperatures mean increased decay, so be sure to apply two or three extra doses of skin-firming cream to your boyzomb each day. The patented hydrolipids will keep what remains of his skin  supple, not slippery.

2. Keep the home fires burning. Summertime means hamburgers and hot dogs cooked on the grill, but nothing draws a zombie to his doom faster than the hypnotizing flicker of an open flame. So play it safe and bring your barbecue indoors. Prepare hot dogs in the microwave and hamburgers on the stove top. As soon as everything is cooked, bring it outside and have a romantic picnic by flashlight. Worried about mosquitoes and other nippy pests? Don’t be. The oil in your boyzomb’s decaying skin is the best bug repellent ever invented.

3. Give the beach a wide berth. If you thought getting sand out of your bathing suit was difficult, just wait until you try to get it out of the folds of your zombie boyfriend’s skin. The phrase stuck on you will take on a whole new meaning. If you’re craving the wet, check out the pool at your local country club. You’ll avoid the sand trap, and the chlorine in the water will give your zombie a healthy green glow. Plus, you can get french fries delivered poolside. Nothing says postapocalyptic bliss like eating greasy fries while your zombie boyfriend does cannonballs. Heaven!

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