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Don’t date the zombie, warns Married with Zombies author Jesse Petersen

25 May

Zombie expert Jesse Petersen warns women not to date zombies. “Aim for the head,” she says. “Protect your brain.”

It’s no secret that dating a zombie isn’t for everyone, and here at the Girls’ Guide we pride ourselves in embracing dissenting views. In the following, zombie expert Jesse Petersen, author of the supremely funny Living with the Dead trilogy, shares why she thinks dating a zombie isn’t such a good idea. She’s written three books on the subject, so perhaps she knows something we don’t!

First off, thanks so much to Lynn for having me today as a guest on the blog. I especially thank her since my topic is one so very far from her own opinion on this subject. I mean, date a zombie?? I’ve always thought my first reaction (and the reactions of all my characters) would be to kill a zombie and think about dating last. So I would like to offer a bit of an alternative advice to those considering dating a zombie.

5 Reasons Not to Date a Zombie (Out of 50,000)

1. Lack of upward mobility
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there are going to be a lot of zombies. Really, it will be the “it” thing to do, so you’d think that would mean a zombie would be a great guy to date. He’s not. There’s no upward mobility in it. Once you’re a zombie, you’re a zombie. There aren’t upper management zombies. Or doctor zombies. And it’s not that you need a guy who is going to move on up, but dating a guy who has no chance of upward mobility is dating a man who is stalled in his life. No fun.

2. He’s always checking out other girls…and guys
Cheating is just a no-no, and it can come in a lot of forms. With a zombie boyfriend, he’s always going to be looking around at other people. Now it won’t be for sex…but he’s going to want someone else for their brains. Can you live with that? With not being the only brain for him?

3. His sense of humor is stilted
Imagine a lifetime of this one joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Brains.” That’s it. That’s the whole joke. He’s not going to learn another one.

4. Body parts coming off during sex
Sexual compatibility is a big part of a good relationship, and I’m sure there are some zombies that still remember all the right moves. And since their muscle fibers and tissues are breaking down, they can also probably move around in some really crazy ways. But if a leg comes off in the middle of the sexy,
it’s going to scar you for life. I don’t care how freaky you are!!

5. Also, he wants to kill you
This is biggest reason not to date a zombie. He’s going to moan and groan and make all the right hand gestures, but when he smells your hair, it’s not about how hot he thinks you are. It’s about that tasty brain you’re keeping in your skull cavity. That’s what he wants, girl! Your brain. And even though we’ve all spent
decades exclaiming how we want guys to love us for our brains, in this case, it’s really not going to work…unless you want to zombie up, too.

So make your decision about who you pursue after the apocalypse comes, but don’t let some hot piece of zombie ass make you forget the pitfalls. Aim for the head, protect your brain.

Jesse Petersen is the author of many novels, including the truly hilarious Married With Zombies, Flip This Zombie and Eat, Slay, Love. Until the zombie apocalypse, she lives in the Midwest with her husband and two cats. Find out more about her at jessepetersen.net or follow her on Twitter @jessepet.

Maggot infestations. Bursting body cavities. Bad breath. Andy Warner tells his fellow zombies to clean up their act if they want a second date.

17 Feb

If it sometimes feels like you’re doing all the work in your zombie relationship, take heart. Not all undead are willing to coast on their corpse-y charm. Andy Warner, the hero of Breathers, by S.G. Browne, reminds his follow zombies that appearance is important—just because you’re dead is no reason to let yourself go. Read this to-do list to your zombie boyfriend. If he doesn’t eat the paper, then he might be ready to take your relationship to the next level.

I’m Andy Warner, the protagonist and hero of the dark romantic zombie comedy Breathers, written by S.G. Browne, here to give a few helpful dating tips to my fellow zombies. Or as we refer to ourselves in therapy: the living-challenged.

When you’re a gradually decomposing reanimated corpse, you have to expect to deal with certain challenges—like the smell of hydrogen sulfide and the oozing of intestinal juices and the occasional skin slip. It’s just part of being a zombie. But there are a few things you can do to improve your general hygiene that will help to keep your date from gagging or dry-heaving before the appetizers arrive.

1. Rather than relying on deodorants or neutralizing fragrances to mask the odor of decomposing flesh, I suggest soaking in a Pine-Sol bath. It penetrates the skin and lasts longer and will do wonders for your self-confidence.

2. If you have zombie breath, which, admittedly, most zombies do, try gargling with Lysol disinfectant. Simple Green is good, too. And it tastes minty fresh. Either one works. And they’re both wonderful at preventing pesky maggot infestations.

3. Spontaneous dismemberment happens. While there’s nothing you can do to prevent it, how you deal with it can make or break an evening. So rather than getting upset that your ear has fallen off and landed in your soup, make a joke about it. Women love a sense of humor.

4. Finally, even if you get regular formaldehyde fixes, at some point it’s likely that one of your main body cavities is going to burst open. So a good rule of thumb is to wear Depends. This can help you to avoid an otherwise embarrassing situation and improve your chances of scoring a second date.

If you take the time to take care of yourself, you’ll eventually find that special someone who appreciates you for who you are. So I hope these dating hints are helpful to all of my living-challenged friends out there.

One final word of advice for any Breathers who might be reading this: When you’re out on a date with a zombie, much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mustard on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper etiquette to let a zombie know if his nose is sliding off his face.

S.G. Browne is the author of Breathers and  Fated, an irreverent comedy about fate, destiny, and the consequences of getting involved in the lives of humans. His new book, Lucky Bastard, drops on April 17.

Zombie boyfriend away and you wanna play? Anka Radakovich has your sex toys.

15 Feb

Sexpert Anka Radakovich discusses zombie sex toys.

If your zombie boyfriend is away on business—lumbering after deer on Fire Island, say, with several of his closest undead buddies—or off his meds, you might need a backup plan to take care of your…needs. Never fear. Anka Radakovich, world-famous sex columnist and writer for British GQ, has emergency provisions that will keep you satisfied. 

The perfect sex toys for zombies and the people who date them have arrived!

From its Freaks collection, the Fleshlight Company offers his ‘n’ her sex toys for nights of “necro-feel-ya.” The nasty-looking gray  Zombie Dildo is for the ladies, and the Zombie Fleshlight is the favorite sex toy of zombie males. The fake vagina-in-a-can will suck the life out of him.

The company claims their “cock of the living dead” is made with “the highest-quality, platinum-cured silicone.” The zombie dick is great as a gift to yourself when your zombie is out of town, or to use in case your zombie can’t get it up.

According to Fleshlight, “The zombie wants your brains and the only way to get them is to f**k them out of you!” Dead or alive, the Fleshlight zombie dong has a constant erection.

Columnist, author and screenwriter, Anka Radakovich defined the modern-day sex column with her wildly popular column for Details magazine, which she wrote for nine years. Her hilarious take on sex, dating and relationships, created a devoted following. Currently, she writes a column for British GQ and is finishing her third book. Follow her on twitter @ankarad.

Your zombie said wha…?

31 Jan

We’ve all been there—at the snack counter at the movie theater and you turn to your zombie date and ask if he wants a little something brainy to munch on during the film and he says, “Argh gaw.” Or was that “Gargh yaw”? Maybe “Argh yaw”? “Gargh gaw”?

The movie starts. The opening credits roll. You stand there baffled.

The truth is, yes, zombies, with their undifferentiated vowels and all those glottal stops, are hard to understand. But it doesn’t have to be impossible. First, take this quiz to find out how much you have to learn. Then come back tomorrow for tips on how to improve your comprehension. You and your boyzomb will be bantering like Hepburn and Tracy in no time!

1. Ugh means…
a) Ugh
b) Oog ergh grrr
c) Is this a tow-away zone?
d) I’m hungry.

2. Grr means…
a) Grr
b) Ergh neh argh
c) Is alternate side of the street parking in effect?
d) I’m full.

3. Ergh means…
a) Ergh
b) Grr oog ugh
c) Do you have change for the meter?
d) I want to dance.

4. Oog means…
a) Oog
b) Ugh ow neh
c) Is this permit parking only?
d) I want to watch football.

5. Neh means…
a) Neh
b) Ugh ergh grrr
c) How can I appeal a ticket?
d) Nice shoes

If you chose mostly As…
Like most women on the planet, you’ve written off the various moans and groans of the zombie as, well, various moans and groans. No need to be embarrassed. It’s perfectly natural to assume a groan is a groan is a groan. The zombie language is unsophisticated but it exists.

If you chose mostly Bs…
Unlike our mostly-As friends, you’re willing to give zombies the benefit of the doubt. Sure, they’re not capable of communicating with humans, but they can converse with others of their own species subcategory. What they’re actually saying to each other doesn’t matter so much as they have the ability to say it. Like two dogs barking at each other, zombies know what they need to know and not an iota of information more.

If you chose mostly Cs…
Congratulations! You understand the sophistication of zombie language even if you’ve overestimated the substance of it. Yes, zombies are fond of cars and enjoy attacking them as frequently as possible (perhaps because they think they’ve got tasty rhino brains inside, as some zombologists have suggested). But their love of automobiles stops short of dissecting parking rules. But perhaps that’s only for now. New zombaceuticals improve zombie accomplishments daily.

If you chose mostly Ds…
Hello, savvy woman. Nothing gets by you. You might not be hip to all the ins and outs of zombese, but you know something significant is going on. And go, you, for keeping your expectations in line with reality. With their guttural grunts and groans, zombies are indeed expressing basic needs. Tuning into the subtleties of their language will help you communicate your needs as well. Tomorrow, all you need to create a harmonious relationship with your cutie-pazoombie.

Zombie’s little helper

29 Nov

Zombavan. Zombaline. Zombolay. Zomblosec. Zomblichol. Zombitrex.

There are so many zombie pharmaceuticals available today, it’s enough to drive one zombocrazy and send you running for the shelter of an entire bottle of zombavalium. But don’t despair: Finding the right drug regimen for your boyzomb takes only a little bit of effort.

And trust me, it’s entirely worth the effort. An au naturel zombie isn’t pretty.  Remember bipolar cousin Daisy in a manic fit at last year’s family picnic? That scary energy? That crazed look? That strange brightness to her cheeks? All those words pouring out in no particular order?

That’s your boyzomb off his meds.

Terrifying, right?

Some members of society vociferously complain that the use of chemicals to control zombie behavior is turning zombies into, well, zombies. But the truth is we wouldn’t have much of a society without them. It’s only with the advent of zombaceuticals that zombies have become a nondestructive force on civilization. Prior to the first zombie medication, the walking dead were walking appetites. They ate constantly, always foraging for small critters, frequently in your living room.

Of course, the impulse to respect a zombie’s natural brain chemistry—or, rather, his lack thereof—is sincere and understandable. But foregoing zombaceuticals for a more instinctive approach means selling short the exceptionalism of the variant Y zombie. Look at the facts: Variant Y is the first zombie plague not to infect woman. It’s the first zombie plague not to lust after human brains. Why do these exceptions exist? Some cynics insist they are merely unexplained aberrations in the history of zombie behavior. But scientist speculate that these exceptions purposefully exist to provide us with the opportunity to harness the zombie energy for good. The variant Y zombie isn’t the ferocious monster of previous generations by design, and it is our special obligation to help these reliving creatures to become productive members of society.

The secret to a happy, well-adjusted zombie is getting the zombaceutical regimen right.  In the chart below, find the most commonly prescribed drugs and their general recommended doses. Actual doses may vary depending on the height, weight and rate of decay of your zombie.

hate…

need

why

give

try

The way your boyzomb smells like a lethal combo of two-week-old dead cow and microwaved halibut. Scent sanitizer It neutralizes zombie smells from the inside. Two 5 ml vial injections daily for first month, then one 3 ml vial daily Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser
($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit)
When your boyzomb’s finger falls off Limb reinforcer It reinforces the fibers that connect limbs to the body. One 10 ml vial injection daily; one 20 ml superdose monthly Zombavan from Squibblet and Squegee ($5/ regular dose; $20/superdose)
Getting scratched by your boyzomb’s rough skin Moisturizer It eases the drying effects of death and decay. Apply cream to skin morning and night. Zombaline Day and Night Complete Regenerationiste from Geiser and Meyser
($90/3 oz jar)
The strips of skin that peel off your boyzomb’s body Firming serum It improves skin cohesion. Apply a generous amount of serum before moisturizer at night. Zombolay WearRepair Serum by Marper, Harper and May ($120/ 2 oz jar)
Your boyzomb’s inability to get fully into the mood Erectile dysfunction medication It creates an erection that lasts up to four hours. One 10 ml injection whenever you’re rarin’ to go Zombiagra by Geiser and Meyser ($4/dose)
Some of your boyzomb’s worst instincts Behavioral modification medication It regulates appetite, increases pronunciation skills and improves behavior. three 5 ml injections daily Zombichol by Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose)

Brains—it’s what for dinner

24 Oct

Brains. Brains. Brains. When it comes to zombies, it’s all anyone can think about. Oh, no, the evil, insatiable zombie is going to eat my brain! 

Of course this is a perfectly natural response. For much of history, zombie outbreaks have meant the end of civilization as we know it and the beginning of a full-scale, adrenaline-driven, fight-or-flight existence in which the slightest hesitance could mean a bloody lobotomy and certain death. But the image of roving bands of zombies lumbering down the street with dura mater sticking to their chins is so indelibly fixed in our collective mind that we can’t see the forest for the meninges. The h1Z1 variant Y zombie isn’t that zombie. Yes, with the incontrovertible habit of his species, he eats brains, but he doesn’t eat your brain. He eats the brains of cows and chickens and pigs—animals you yourself eat with startling regularity. That doesn’t make you a monster, does it?

The difference, of course, is the ick factor, the arbitrary designation of grossness to parts of the animal your culture doesn’t consider appropriate for human consumption. But offal isn’t always awful. In many parts of the world, it’s considered a delicacy. The French, for example, love cervelle de veau, calf’s brains sautéed with beurre noir and capers, and Indonesians enjoy gulai otak, beef brains simmered in a coconut milk curry. The problem of zombies, it turns out, isn’t a lack of taste so much as a lack of condiments.

Dating a zombie doesn’t mean you have to partake of brains when out on a date. You should never compromise your own beliefs just to impress a cute zomb. (The self-administered lobotomy, like mankind itself, is so last millennium.)  But you should try to refrain from being judgy about it. A healthy relationship requires a healthy dose of respect. So if your boyzomb likes brains for breakfast, lunch and dinner, cut him some slack—and maybe wipe his chin.

The truth about zombie walks

20 Oct

Sure, they seem like a good idea—warm spring day, bright blue sky, good friends, happy chatter, genteel exertion. By all accounts, strolling down the city street with your zombie in the company of like-minded women sounds like a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon. You get some fresh air; your zombie gets some exercise. When you both get hungry, you stop at a charming little French cafe for steak et brains au poivre. Why wouldn’t you want to participate?

But the pastoral elegance of the modern urban zombie walk hides a seething underbelly of crass materialism.What was once an egalitarian outing has become a status parade as more and more women see the weekly walk as an opportunity to show off their boyzomb in all his bedazzled glory, from his diamond-studded tiara to his vintage Alexander McQueen plumage to his 18-karat-gold ankle bracelet. Couples who show up in neat, color-coordinated Gap separates are looked upon with scorn. A few minutes at a zombie walk and you’ll find yourself transported to the lunchroom in high school. Think you didn’t sit at the cool table back then? Just wait until you try to walk your zombie to the front half of the promenade. A Maginot Line of stiff cashmere shoulders will beat you  back. The fine for walking above your station is pure humiliation—and $35. (Do note: The Provisional Government Authorities no longer enforce fines issued by the Society for the Ethical Glamorization of Zombies.)

But that’s not the only reason to abstain. The National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People strongly objects to the offensive use of leashes for directing your zombie boyfriend—a core practice at any zombie walk. I agree. As I’ve clearly stated before, a boyzomb can be controlled entirely by a regimen of diet and drugs. A well-fed and well-medicated zombie will walk docilely beside you down any street in the world. Only zombies who aren’t looked after properly are prone to rampages. Fine feathers will never supplant fine pharmaceuticals.

There are many great alternatives to a zombie walk—visiting the park, going to the farmers’ market, strolling along the river, taking a ferry ride. (Just be sure to check out yesterday’s post The public problem: how to take your zombie out and not die of embarrassment before you head out.) Remember, there are loads of things you can do with your boyzomb—and none of the require a leash!