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Zombie boyfriend theft—it does happen

19 Feb

Zombies! They’re abundant and available and yet you can’t help but feel all the good ones are taken. It might be the truth, it might be a case of grass-is-always-green-itis, but for some women the only boyzomb that will do is the one on another woman’s arm. Poaching is a reprehensible betrayal of sisterhood and the fourth way in our series on how to meet a zombie.

Method 4: Stealing Another Woman’s Boyzomb

Best suited for…

  • Women with no conscience

What it entails: Meeting a fully domesticated zombie who is already in a relationship, luring him with tempting brain treats when no one is looking and taking him home

The advantages: All of the benefits of a fully domesticated zombie with none of the effort or expense

The disadvantages: Having to live with your immoral, unethical self

Conclusion: Women who steal other women’s boyzombs are unscrupulous creatures who don’t deserve to live in a principled and civilized society. All BZ poachers should be exiled to the wilds of suburbia and made to exist on vending machine Spam and cream soda.

And while you’re feeling morally superior to bzomb stealers, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.LoveTimeZombies2

Spa package: Take home the perfect zombie boyfriend

29 Feb

Zombies! They’re still a dime a dozen, but you’ve yet to meet one that qualifies as boyfriend material. If all the zombies you know are too zombiacious, then our first two methods—culling the herd and hitting the slaughterhouse—probably aren’t for you. You need something a little more sophisticated. Method 3 provides sophistication (as well as domestication!) in spades. But you have to be willing to put up with a little pampering. Think you can handle it? Great. Check in to the resort spa of love.

Method 3: Spending a day at the spa

Best suited for:

  • Women with no time to spare
  • Women who like luxury
  • Women who want a low-maintenance relationship
  • Women with large disposable incomes

What it entails: Spending a day at the spa is exactly what it sounds like: You check into a high-end spa in the morning and spend the day being coddled and pampered while the staff presents a series of zombies for your inspection based on a detailed questionnaire you filled in while getting a pedicure.

The advantages: The advantages to a spa zombie are almost impossible to calculate. A zombie from a spa is fully domesticated, which means you get a perfectly groomed specimen whose skin is soft and firm from daily elasticity treatments. He smells as fresh as a daisy and comes with a firmly established drug regimen. All spa zombies are vetted by the spa staff and are trained in comportment. They eat only the highest-quality brains and retain all their limbs and digits.

Biannual checkups are included in all spa packages, as is a month’s supply of all creams, sprays and injections.

A spa zombie requires no effort on your part. You walk in single; you walk out with the perfect boyzomb.

The disadvantages: There only disadvantage to a spa zombie is expense. Prices start at $1,000 and increase incrementally depending on what services you require.

Conclusion: Going the spa route is a simple, high-end, luxurious, no-fuss way to meet a zombie—and what a zombie you’ll meet! Busy career women with no time to spare will delight in the ease and splendor of the experience: They leave with softer, younger skin; perfectly manicured nails; and a boyzomb. Now, that’s what you call one-stop shopping!

Slaughterhouse jive: Find love at the local abattoir with these easy steps

6 Dec

Zombies! They’re still everywhere and yet you still can’t figure out how to meet one! Don’t worry. If the first method, culling the herd, wasn’t for you—and don’t blame yourself: Most women can’t bear the thought of braving the wilds of suburbia!—maybe method number two is. This method entails visiting a slaughterhouse and having cocktails with your friends. Interested? Read on.

METHOD 2: VISITING THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Best suited for:

  • Women with a can-do spirit who don’t want to do too much
  • Women who are budget-conscious but not budget-constrained
  • Women with a moderate amount of spare time
  • Women with an adventurous sense of fun

What is entails: Given how naturally drawn to slaughterhouses zombies are, it was only a matter of time before these meat facilities became meet facilities. Enterprising owners, noticing the swarm of women around the swarm of zombies, added dance floors and bars to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. To find your honey at a slaughterhouse, simply put on your best duds and head down to the nearest hotspot (check local listings).

The advantages: Visiting the slaughterhouse is an easy, low-risk way to meet a potential boyzomb. You can show up whenever you want and check out the stock with little effort or emotional investment. Don’t see anything you like? Leave and come back another day. Shy about going alone? No problem. Take along your best pal or your posse and turn it into a girls’ night out. Order drinks, nibble on light fare and catch up with your GFs before looking for BZs. The evening doesn’t have to be all about finding a zombie.

The other advantage to a slaughterhouse zombie is he’s already on the road to domestication. All zombies living within city limits are on state-mandated appetite suppressants, so his desire to feed constantly is under control. You simply have to augment the regimen with limb-retention supplements, firming creams and odor neutralizers.

The disadvantages: Slaughterhouses are not free, most requiring a cover charge and two-drink minimum. A typical evening can run you fifty to sixty dollars. Some places offer better value than others. The Green Mosquito on Gansevoort in New York City, for example, has a VIP lounge, karaoke rooms and a comedy club where bands also perform on the weekends.

Another drawback is the popularity of such joints means the competition to meet zombies is fierce. Don’t expect to make a love connection simply by showing up. At a slaughterhouse, you have to assert yourself. Keep it polite—remember, we’re still ladies—but don’t defer to anyone. If you see something you like, go after it. Otherwise, all you will have at the end of the evening is lots of regret and a large bar tab.

Lastly, at the slaughterhouse, you won’t get a perfectly groomed specimen. City zombies live easier lives than roamers in the burbs, but they’re still rough around the edges. Limb retention is good but not one hundred percent, so expect a missing arm, leg or nose here and there. Likewise, the worst of their odor should be tempered by slaughterhouse-administered perfume dust, but their smell can still make you queasy. Be prepared for a long de-scent-ization process.

Conclusion: Visiting a slaughterhouse is the perfect method for the career girl who wants a boyzomb but is wary of commitment. She’s not afraid to have fun and nourishes strong personal connections with her friends. A little effort doesn’t scare her, but she’s not in it for a long haul. A shortcut or two is just fine with her!

Whither the withered? How to find your new zombie boyfriend

1 Nov

Zombies! They’re seemingly everywhere we look—roaming our streets, roving our parks, meandering through our restaurants—and yet most of us don’t have a clue how to meet one.

Don’t despair! Finding a boyzomb is a lot easier than you think, and in this new, four-part series, I tell you exactly what to do. In each post, I discuss a different method in detail and provide the steps you need to get started. Not sure which method is right for you? No problem. Simply read the “best suited for” column below and think about what you’re looking for in a relationship. Then go out and nab the zombie boyfriend of your dreams!

Method 1: Culling the herd

Best suited for:

  • Women on a budget
  • Women with wilderness training
  • Women with time on their hands
  • Women with patience
  • Women who always see the best in every situation

What it entails: Culling a zombie from the herd requires traveling by train to the wilds of suburbia and finding a completely unmedicated zombie to bring back to the city and domesticate. Tracking down a herd of untamed zombies is easy; they tend to stick to the vacant aisles of big box strip mall stores and the empty streets of abandoned housing developments. Once you locate the herd, pick the zombie that seems the most well preserved and lure him away with a package of Mrs. Yummikin’s Prepackaged Preseasoned Cat’s Brains.

The advantages: The biggest advantage to an unmedicated zombie is price. It is your cheapest option by far, setting you back only the price of a train ticket to suburbia. (Savvy girl tip: Zombies travel free on Tuesdays.) Untamed zombies tend to congregate near the city walls, so you don’t have to go deep into the wilderness. For example, if you live in New York City, you do not have to travel all the way out to the Hamptons or even the Suffolk County border. A short trip to Floral Park on Long Island, White Plains in Westchester or Englewood Cliffs in New Jersey is sufficient.

The disadvantages: Unfortunately, culling from the herd is not for the faint of heart. Although it’s true that suburbanites no longer shoot urban dwellers on sight, they are still hostile to city folks and will not invite you into their illegal squats for tea or point you in the direction of the nearest Wal-Mart. Don’t worry. All you need to protect yourself is a declaration-of-intent sign from your local pharmacy or bodega. The poster board clearly states that you are happy in the city and will not move back to the suburbs. As it has been five years since the Provisional Government Authority revoked the Abundance and Scarcity Reallocation Act, most suburbanites are slowly beginning to realize that their illegally seized land isn’t about to be illegally seized by refugees fleeing from the city. In a few more years, traveling to the suburbs will be completely safe.

Domesticating an untamed zombie requires effort, patience and diligence. A roamer has had no exposure at all to medication and as such has a entirely unregulated diet. It feeds whenever it wants on whatever animal it can scavenge. Medicating that instinct out of the zombie takes four to six weeks, during which time you will have to keep constant watch over your zombie. If he eats a neighbor’s pet or hunts outside state-mandated dining hours, you are subject to a $500 fine and a maximum penalty of five days in jail.

One of the biggest disadvantages to culling the herd is purely aesthetic. The putrefaction level in untreated zombies is usually quite severe. Most wild zombies have lost at least one limb, one facial feature and several layers of skin. Start an immediate course of drugs to slow down decay, neutralize the smell and firm skin.

Conclusion: Culling the herd is the perfect way to find a boyzomb for the woman who has more time than money and eschews easy achievement for the personal satisfaction of hard-won accomplishment. Culling the herd is for the woman who can do anything and isn’t afraid to prove it.