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The Zombie Sex–Bacon Issue

2 May

I know you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, and I know you think you’re the only one it happens to. But trust me, you’re not a freak: 82 percent of women crave bacon after having sex with a zombie, according a recent study by the Zombo-Humalogical Intercourse Intercon Research Group. A postcoital BLT is as common as a cigarette.

The reason is simple—xylem sap. (And now you’re thinking, Xylem wha…? You, my friend, are so predictable!)

Xylem sap is the main ingredient in maple syrup, a staple when it comes to flavoring bacon.  Xylem sap is also a major component in the scent sanitizer with which you regularly dose your zombie. Thanks to the abscisic acid, which binds to the odor molecules in putrified flesh, your fetid honey smells as fresh as a forest on a brisk autumn morning. But when the abscisic acid in your zombie’s scent sanitizer interacts with the chemicals in his erectile-dysfunction medication, the compound takes on a sweet-smoky smell. The result: visions of sizzling bacon dance in your head.

Should you give in to the craving? That question is up to you. Each person is different and there’s no universal right or wrong. Many women consider bacon to be one of the best things on earth, and after a rigorous session with their sweetie, they’ve built up an appetite.

My one piece of advice: If you do succumb, go whole hog. Don’t waste your time, money or calories on turkey substitutes. You might be in a relationship with a rotting corpse, but you’re still too good for second best.

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Zombie sex misconception #5: Zombies don’t have sex drives

27 Feb

Although the zombie sex drive seems like a recent invention, it has in fact been present in every species of zombie since time immemorial. Zombies, despite their demonlike appetites, are members of the natural world, and every living thing in the natural world has a sex drive. We did not see evidence of it in the three previous zombie outbreaks—the plagues of 1867, 1910 and 1964—because it was overpowered by the zombies’ hunger drive. The two drives coexist, but when the desire for flesh is stronger than the desire for “flesh,” the latter appears not to exist at all.

By controlling the variant Y zombie’s hunger drive, zombaceuticals have freed up his sex drive. So zombies want sex. A lot.

The desire for sex, however, is not always accompanied by the ability to have sex, and in this zombies need a little help. Based on the late-twentieth-century treatment model for erectile dysfunction, drugs like Zombiagra and Zombialis can create a sustained erection for approximately four hours.

Many critics point to the need for drugs as proof that zombies shouldn’t have sex. But history refutes this theory. According to a 1998 study, 5 percent of forty-year-old human males and 15 to 25 percent of sixty-five-year-old human males were unable to—in the vernacular of the time—get it up. Finding a medical solution to their physical problem was hailed as breakthrough. No less can be said for the zombies’ affliction.

Zombie’s little helper

29 Nov

Zombavan. Zombaline. Zombolay. Zomblosec. Zomblichol. Zombitrex.

There are so many zombie pharmaceuticals available today, it’s enough to drive one zombocrazy and send you running for the shelter of an entire bottle of zombavalium. But don’t despair: Finding the right drug regimen for your boyzomb takes only a little bit of effort.

And trust me, it’s entirely worth the effort. An au naturel zombie isn’t pretty.  Remember bipolar cousin Daisy in a manic fit at last year’s family picnic? That scary energy? That crazed look? That strange brightness to her cheeks? All those words pouring out in no particular order?

That’s your boyzomb off his meds.

Terrifying, right?

Some members of society vociferously complain that the use of chemicals to control zombie behavior is turning zombies into, well, zombies. But the truth is we wouldn’t have much of a society without them. It’s only with the advent of zombaceuticals that zombies have become a nondestructive force on civilization. Prior to the first zombie medication, the walking dead were walking appetites. They ate constantly, always foraging for small critters, frequently in your living room.

Of course, the impulse to respect a zombie’s natural brain chemistry—or, rather, his lack thereof—is sincere and understandable. But foregoing zombaceuticals for a more instinctive approach means selling short the exceptionalism of the variant Y zombie. Look at the facts: Variant Y is the first zombie plague not to infect woman. It’s the first zombie plague not to lust after human brains. Why do these exceptions exist? Some cynics insist they are merely unexplained aberrations in the history of zombie behavior. But scientist speculate that these exceptions purposefully exist to provide us with the opportunity to harness the zombie energy for good. The variant Y zombie isn’t the ferocious monster of previous generations by design, and it is our special obligation to help these reliving creatures to become productive members of society.

The secret to a happy, well-adjusted zombie is getting the zombaceutical regimen right.  In the chart below, find the most commonly prescribed drugs and their general recommended doses. Actual doses may vary depending on the height, weight and rate of decay of your zombie.

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The way your boyzomb smells like a lethal combo of two-week-old dead cow and microwaved halibut. Scent sanitizer It neutralizes zombie smells from the inside. Two 5 ml vial injections daily for first month, then one 3 ml vial daily Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser
($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit)
When your boyzomb’s finger falls off Limb reinforcer It reinforces the fibers that connect limbs to the body. One 10 ml vial injection daily; one 20 ml superdose monthly Zombavan from Squibblet and Squegee ($5/ regular dose; $20/superdose)
Getting scratched by your boyzomb’s rough skin Moisturizer It eases the drying effects of death and decay. Apply cream to skin morning and night. Zombaline Day and Night Complete Regenerationiste from Geiser and Meyser
($90/3 oz jar)
The strips of skin that peel off your boyzomb’s body Firming serum It improves skin cohesion. Apply a generous amount of serum before moisturizer at night. Zombolay WearRepair Serum by Marper, Harper and May ($120/ 2 oz jar)
Your boyzomb’s inability to get fully into the mood Erectile dysfunction medication It creates an erection that lasts up to four hours. One 10 ml injection whenever you’re rarin’ to go Zombiagra by Geiser and Meyser ($4/dose)
Some of your boyzomb’s worst instincts Behavioral modification medication It regulates appetite, increases pronunciation skills and improves behavior. three 5 ml injections daily Zombichol by Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose)