You arrive at a dinner party of an old college friend or a colleague from work. Your host greets you and your zombie date graciously at the door. She invites you in, and as she takes your coat, she runs through the basics: hors d’oeuvre on the coffee tables, drinks in the kitchen, zombies in the corner by the ficus. You look up and sure enough, six zombies are herded into the far corner of the living room behind a tall plant.
Welcome to zomb Guam.
A zombie-holding zone, or zomb Guam, as it’s more commonly known, is an area that’s put aside exclusively for zombies to keep them out of the way during a party or event. This practice, which is patently offensive to zombies and the women who date them, has been wholeheartedly condemned by the NAAZP. Nevertheless, many women, particularly those of the older generation, still think it’s perfectly fine to park zombies in a dark corner like they’re strollers.
If zomb Guam happens to you—and if you date a zombie for an appreciable amount of time, it will happen to you—don’t be shocked. Handle the situation with equanimity and give the zombaphobe a reason to blush. Here are four ways to keep your cool.
1. Speak up. Gently suggest to your host that you don’t think it’s entirely appropriate to deposit your date in the corner like an inanimate object. Smile so she knows you’re not judging her or her attitude. It will be a little awkward because you’re a guest and you don’t want to make waves, but she’s your friend—she’ll understand your concern and respect your opinion.
2. Suggest an alternative. Most zombie zones are tiny. Wanting to concede as little space as possible to brain-munching interlopers, a host will typically cram six or seven zombies into an area large enough for three. Ask your host if the zombies could be relocated to a spare bedroom or a finished basement, any space that’s not currently in use. (Do not propose the room that’s being used to collect coats. It does not further the zombie cause to have a guest go home with skin slippage on her cashmere scarf.) Putting the zombies in a different room provides them with greater comfort while at the same time ensuring they remain separate. If she seems receptive, request that she bring in a television for their entertainment.
3. Accept it. If you’ve made your case and your host is stubbornly committed to zomb Guam, let it be. After all, you are her guest and you have to respect her wants and wishes. Apologize quietly to your zombie date for the disrespectful treatment and visit him often in his pen. It’s unlikely a zombaphobe will have refreshments on hand for her zombie guests but give the kitchen a thorough once-over just in case. If the cupboards are bare, check the mousetraps.
4. Plan better. Once you’ve been hit by a zomb Guam bomb, you learn to anticipate it.That’s good. It doesn’t hurt to keep your guard up. The next time you’re invited to a party, ask explicitly if your boyzomb is invited. If she says yes, confirm that he will have the run of the house and not be confined to a tiny zone. Once you know everything, you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to attend. Take heart: As more and more women date zombies, the old-fashioned anti-zombie attitude will become an artifact of the past, as will zomb Guam. Just give it some time.