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Winterize your zombie

13 Feb

As snow continues to blanket the Northeast on a seemingly daily basis, I thought it was time to remind my fellow Girl Guides of a few seasonal rules. Most people think that zombies are inured to the cold because they are non-blooded creatures. The sad truth is, the lack of a heartbeat is often accompanied by a lack of sense! When was the last time your boyzomb realized his hand had frozen off? Exactly.

Follow these simple rules for a happy, safe and fun winter. 

Shed the sled. Few things compare with the exhilarating feeling of flying down a hill with the wind in your hair and your honey’s arms around your waist. But think twice before indulging in this cold-air thrill. A zombie’s permanent state of decay means a seemingly harmless tumble on a Flexible Flyer can result in an inconvenient amputation or disfiguring scar (aw, but you’ll love him anyway!). Even light boogie boards pose a risk: The rope used to pull it up the hill has been known to cause unexpected decapitations when not handled proper (i.e., by you).

Flee the skies. To be fair, skies are a lot less harmful to your rottie hottie than a sled. ZombSports’ new hip boots made of space-age polymers provide the extra support your zombie needs to balance on two skies. But space-age polymers can’t get you to the top of the mountain, and neither can your zombie. Remember your first time getting on the chairlift or—gasp of humiliation!—the T-bar? Remember that flop of shame? That’s your zombie every single time. Instead, cozy up in the lodge for hot chocolate and some quality canoodling.

Pummel the shovel. Just how much shoveling fun your boyzomb has depends on your goal. If you want your sidewalk to be cleared of snow and safe for people to pass, then you might want to expend a little elbow grease yourself. However, if your goal is to spread as much snow as possible on your neighbor’s walk and passing pedestrians, then your zombie boyfriend is ready, willing and able (yes, able!) to serve. There are few things zombies love more than moving snow around with a shovel and they can do it with surprising dexterity. Just don’t expect precision. A zombie doesn’t so much clear the sidewalk as make an absolute mess of it. Still, fun is fun, even if it isn’t clean!

And while you’re keeping warm this winter, don’t forget to snuggle up with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love!

Available from Shebooks for $2.99.

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The Zombie Sex–Bacon Issue

2 May

I know you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, and I know you think you’re the only one it happens to. But trust me, you’re not a freak: 82 percent of women crave bacon after having sex with a zombie, according a recent study by the Zombo-Humalogical Intercourse Intercon Research Group. A postcoital BLT is as common as a cigarette.

The reason is simple—xylem sap. (And now you’re thinking, Xylem wha…? You, my friend, are so predictable!)

Xylem sap is the main ingredient in maple syrup, a staple when it comes to flavoring bacon.  Xylem sap is also a major component in the scent sanitizer with which you regularly dose your zombie. Thanks to the abscisic acid, which binds to the odor molecules in putrified flesh, your fetid honey smells as fresh as a forest on a brisk autumn morning. But when the abscisic acid in your zombie’s scent sanitizer interacts with the chemicals in his erectile-dysfunction medication, the compound takes on a sweet-smoky smell. The result: visions of sizzling bacon dance in your head.

Should you give in to the craving? That question is up to you. Each person is different and there’s no universal right or wrong. Many women consider bacon to be one of the best things on earth, and after a rigorous session with their sweetie, they’ve built up an appetite.

My one piece of advice: If you do succumb, go whole hog. Don’t waste your time, money or calories on turkey substitutes. You might be in a relationship with a rotting corpse, but you’re still too good for second best.

Zomba Zumba is here!

1 May

Hey, girl guides, does your workout need a shakeup? Have all your Downward Dogs become Downer Dogs? Your jumping jacks turned into jumping lacks? Pilates no more! A hot, new fitness craze is coming to a gym near you. Zomba Zumba is spreading faster than the H1Z1 virus itself.

And with good reason! This supercharged workout combines the cardio bennies of aerobics with the sleek-muscle-building addies of strength training. You get it all in one fun, energetic class.

“Let’s face it, zombies are total depressors,” says Zomba Zumba creator Olive Leandor, 23. “I mean, like, how can anyone keep their life energy up when zombies are around dropping limbs and losing eyeballs. They’re the second law of thermodynamics, like, right there in your face. Everything goes to crap, our bodies especially. Zombies are, like, a sneak peek of what happens when you turn 30.”

But zombies aren’t only decay; they’re inspiration, too—at least for Leander. “Watching my boyzomb lumber up the steps to my apartment, I realized rot creates resistance. And we all know resistance is core to maintaining your core. So I created Zomba Zumba to maximize, like, the zombie’s natural advantages.”

Not sure Zomba Zumba is right for you? Check out the deets!

What: A one-hour workout that incorporates a zombie’s natural resistance with hip-hop, soca, samba, salsa, guacamole, merengue, ferengi, mambo, ju jitsu, tae kwon do, cro-magnon, belly dancing and Civil War reenactment to torch calories and sculpt lean muscle

You’ll need: An open mind, a willing spirit and a 10- to 20-pound BodyRotLove BodySuit™ with enough FreshMeat refills for a month. (For maximum results, store at room temperature.) The biometric breakthrough of the BodyRotLove BodySuit is the more the FreshMeat decays, the heavier the suit gets. By Sunday, you’re working with twice the resistance as Monday. How’s that for upping the effort?!

How: Put on your BodyRot suit and show up for class. It’s that simple. (Be sure to don your suit after you get to the gym, as BodyLove Incorporated is not responsible for any accidents that may happen while wearing BodyLove gear or accessories.)

Who: Each Zomba Zumba class is led by a licensed instructor trained in dance, aerobics and meat processing.

Where: A gym near you

Next up: Zomba Zumba for Zombies. “Being dead is no excuse to let yourself go,” says Leandor of her ambitious plan to get zombies out on the workout floor. “People say things like, ‘Hello, they’re corpses. There’s no benefit to their working out.’ But, like, it’s the same with old people and we still encourage them to get up and move. Exercise helps everyone, even, like the people it doesn’t help.”

What are you waiting for?

The birthday double whammy: two gifts, one perfect package

27 Apr

Let the older generation lament the loss of mankind. Sure, there’s a lot to miss—your fella picking up the tab or fixing a leaky sink—but who pines for the wildly-off-the-mark birthday present, an annual feature of most healthy heterosexual relationships at the latter end of the twentieth century? You know what I’m talking about. One year your dad bought your mom sponges or a vacuum or a jeweled pin that looked like a fly that had been run over by a sixteen-wheeler. The next year, he gave up completely and had his admin pick something up. Worse, he had his admin send a dozen long-stemmed red roses—a lovely romantic gesture, but your mom’s favorite flowers are lilies, which he should have known.

But lucky you dates a zombies so you don’t have unrealistic expectations of the perfect gift. In fact, you have no expectations of a gift at all. Zombies can’t shop: Their fine motor skills are insufficiently developed to let them handle merchandise, let alone sign a credit card receipt. And even if they could read a price tag, they don’t have a clue what a birthday present is or why they should give you one. (Most times, they’re not even sure who you are. But that’s another post.)

This is great for you because it means you can buy your own gift—and you know exactly what you’d like. In the olden days, you had to drop mega-hints and hope for the best. Some women, having given up completely, would get the gift themselves, give it to their husband to wrap, then feign surprise upon opening it.

Zombies don’t play that game. Zombies don’t play any games, which is why they might just be the world’s best boyfriend.

Still not convinced? Here’s the bonus round: When it’s his birthday, you don’t have to stress over finding the perfect thing for him. Simply get him a box of Mrs. Yummikin’s Preseasoned Cat Brains. It’s what you would have given him for dinner anyway, so you know his rotted zombie soul will love it. Better than that, it’s the sort of practical gift his human self would have given you—an item you needed anyway topped with a pretty bow.

And there it is—two gifts in one! Vive le zombie romance.

Why do you think zombies make better boyfriends? Pick a reason. Send a postcard!

18 Feb

Here at The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies, we’re all about looking on the bright side of things. So what if the zombie apocalypse turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies?! Zombies aren’t all bad. Below, our top 5 reasons zombies make better boyfriends. Pick your favorite and send it with a note (“And you thought John grunted a lot!”) to your pals. Simply follow the Greeting Card link.

Reason #5 No quibbling over clothes! Your zombie boyfriend will let you dress him any way you want. His sense of style is your sense of style. Bow tie? Yes, please. Waistcoat? Double-breasted preferred. Bolero? Bring it on!

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Reason #4 Sociability! Your zombie boyfriend will get along great with all your friends. He’ll never make an obnoxious comment about Sadie’s pretentious dinner parties or Catherine’s appallingly bad fake British accent.

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Reason #3 Shoe shopping! Your zombie boyfriend loves shopping for shoes and will cheerfully spend hours in a chair watching you try on pair after pair. Torn between the red pumps and the pink heels? Let your boyzomb decide! His taste is impeccable. Best of all: He won’t notice price, let alone grunt with disapproval when those sexy slides set you back half a mortgage payment.

Reason #2 Total career support! Your zombie boyfriend won’t feel threatened by your job or how much money you make—he doesn’t even know what money is! Moreover, he won’t complain if you cancel plans because you have to work late. He’ll support your career 110 percent and will never require you to compromise it for the good of your relationship.

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Reason #1 Complete devotion! Your zombie boyfriend won’t wince at the wordcommitment or leave you wondering if he’ll call. Dating a zombie means no more mind games, no more sitting by the phone, no more will-he-or-won’t-he conversations, no more ugly scenes at your cousin Judy’s wedding, no more drama. Your days of obsessing over your boyfriend’s every word and action are behind you. Rejoice!

Have your own reason why zombies make better boyfriends? Great! We’d love to hear it. Leave it in the comment box, and our illustrator will create an amazing image for it. Then we’ll add it to the e-card options, so others can see it and send it to their friends.

What are you waiting for? Get sending!

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by bravenet.com

Maggot infestations. Bursting body cavities. Bad breath. Andy Warner tells his fellow zombies to clean up their act if they want a second date.

17 Feb

If it sometimes feels like you’re doing all the work in your zombie relationship, take heart. Not all undead are willing to coast on their corpse-y charm. Andy Warner, the hero of Breathers, by S.G. Browne, reminds his follow zombies that appearance is important—just because you’re dead is no reason to let yourself go. Read this to-do list to your zombie boyfriend. If he doesn’t eat the paper, then he might be ready to take your relationship to the next level.

I’m Andy Warner, the protagonist and hero of the dark romantic zombie comedy Breathers, written by S.G. Browne, here to give a few helpful dating tips to my fellow zombies. Or as we refer to ourselves in therapy: the living-challenged.

When you’re a gradually decomposing reanimated corpse, you have to expect to deal with certain challenges—like the smell of hydrogen sulfide and the oozing of intestinal juices and the occasional skin slip. It’s just part of being a zombie. But there are a few things you can do to improve your general hygiene that will help to keep your date from gagging or dry-heaving before the appetizers arrive.

1. Rather than relying on deodorants or neutralizing fragrances to mask the odor of decomposing flesh, I suggest soaking in a Pine-Sol bath. It penetrates the skin and lasts longer and will do wonders for your self-confidence.

2. If you have zombie breath, which, admittedly, most zombies do, try gargling with Lysol disinfectant. Simple Green is good, too. And it tastes minty fresh. Either one works. And they’re both wonderful at preventing pesky maggot infestations.

3. Spontaneous dismemberment happens. While there’s nothing you can do to prevent it, how you deal with it can make or break an evening. So rather than getting upset that your ear has fallen off and landed in your soup, make a joke about it. Women love a sense of humor.

4. Finally, even if you get regular formaldehyde fixes, at some point it’s likely that one of your main body cavities is going to burst open. So a good rule of thumb is to wear Depends. This can help you to avoid an otherwise embarrassing situation and improve your chances of scoring a second date.

If you take the time to take care of yourself, you’ll eventually find that special someone who appreciates you for who you are. So I hope these dating hints are helpful to all of my living-challenged friends out there.

One final word of advice for any Breathers who might be reading this: When you’re out on a date with a zombie, much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mustard on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper etiquette to let a zombie know if his nose is sliding off his face.

S.G. Browne is the author of Breathers and  Fated, an irreverent comedy about fate, destiny, and the consequences of getting involved in the lives of humans. His new book, Lucky Bastard, drops on April 17.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets eaten

14 Feb

Don't be lunch! Ashby has tips for a safe and healthy zombie relationship.

Worried that the besotted look in your zombie boyfriend’s eye is just hunger? Don’t panic. Amanda Ashby, official leader of Team Zombie and author of Zombie Queen of Newbury High, has your be-as-close-as-two-peas-in-a-pod-without-being-dinner plan right here. Follow her advice to getting devoured the right way!

Do you remember what it’s like the first time the cute guy at the coffee shop smiles at you and your stomach goes all flippy? Then you go on date and he does that adorable thing with his eyes and listens to you talk all night, only stopping every now and then to be witty and amusing, and when you tell your girlfriends about it afterward they swear that you are making up since no guy could be like that. And then you get to give them the smug smile because turns out that your guy is like that.

And by the third date you realize just how perfect his hair is (perhaps even more perfect than Zac Efron’s perfect hair) and you start to imagine what it would be like to live with him. But by the fourth date things start to change. Suddenly, instead of looking lovingly into your eyes, he’s sniffing your arm and picking up the ketchup bottle. Or you catch him having more than a nibble of your ear and too late you realize that Mr. Perfect isn’t actually looking for a relationship, he’s just looking for lunch.

Well, fear not because while it is virtually impossible to retrain any male (dead or alive) to put the forks in the correct drawer or hang up a wet towel after they’ve used it, it is in fact completely possible to retrain your zombie boyfriend to stop looking at you like you’re a double cheeseburger. Now, I’m not saying that it will be easy and there are times when you might reconsider dating Mike-the-guy-who-sneezed-every-two-minutes-for-three-hours-straight, but if you follow this process through to the end, I can guarantee that soon the only thing your new zombie boyfriend will be smelling is the perfume that he bought you on that romantic trip to Paris.

So what is the secret to turning your zombie guy around?

Simple. You need to make yourself look about as appetizing as a soggy plate of cabbage. You see, right now you’re dressing up and pulling out all the stops, which is the zombie equivalent of three Michelin stars. I mean literally all that has been missing from your dates is you climbing up onto the table and sitting on a plate. However, if you try the gym-hair, no makeup and the ugly dress that your aunt gave you for Christmas last year, your zombie guy will no longer be distracted by all the trimmings and soon he will be able to sit through an entire conversation without trying to imagine you covered in cheese.

Some women have even found that over time they can start reintroducing basic items back into their lives, like mascara and lip gloss (though please, nothing that smells because otherwise you are back to square one). So I hope that if you’re having zombie problems you will consider this method to help create the future that you and your brain-munching dead guy have always wanted to have.***

*Please be advised that the author of this article is in no way responsible for anyone who does accidentally get eaten while attempting to retrain their zombie boyfriend.

**And that if you do happen to get eaten and are therefore not dating your zombie boyfriend anymore, could you please pass me his number because they’re not lying when they say that there are no decent guys out there anymore.

***Again, very, very sorry if this article has lead to your being consumed by a zombie. Really not my intention at all.

Amanda Ashby has a degree in English and Journalism from the University of Queensland and is married with two children. Her debut book, You Had Me at Halo, was nominated for a Romantic Times Reviewer’s Choice award, and her first young adult book, Zombie Queen of Newbury High, was listed by the New York Public Library’s Stuff for the Teen Age 2010. Her latest release, Fairy Bad Day, has been selected by Voya as one of their Top Shelf Fiction for Middle School Readers 2012.