To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.
The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.
This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.
And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.
Listen up, Girl Guides, because this one is especially false: Zombies only care about your satisfaction. As dead creatures with reanimated life, they have no pleasure centers in the prefrontal cortex (or any cortex). They don’t eat brains because they enjoy the taste; they eat brains because they’re compelled to. It’s a thoughtless compulsion. The same with sex. Zombies aren’t in it for the orgasm. They don’t know what an A, B or C is, let alone the Big O. For them, sex is simply another drive. They do it because nature compels them to. At no point will a zombie roll off you and say, “Thanks, honey, I’m good.” You’re the one who’s going to have to do the rolling off (and much of the rocking!). Trust me, that makes all the difference.
And while you’re cuddling with your sweetie in languid postcoital repose, don’t forget to ménage-à-trois with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter, pre-zombie-sex days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.
Available from Shebooks ($2.99).
Listen up, folks! The rumors about this one are rampant, despite a multimillion-dollar National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People public-awareness campaign, so I will be absolutely clear: Sex with a zombie will not result in a half-human, half-zombie baby.
Hold on. Let me repeat that for the women in the last row: SEX WITH A ZOMBIE WILL NOT RESULT IN A HALF-HUMAN, HALF-ZOMBIE BABY.
Sorry to get all crazy-loud-neighbor shouty on you, but this misconception is particularly persistent. But it’s patently not true. For one thing, it’s physically impossible for any creature to reproduce without the necessary biological matter of sperm. Zombie’s don’t have sperm. Their testicles do not function, which means they cannot produce little swimmers. Secondly, even if a zombie could produce viable sperm (which it can’t!), a human-zombie hybrid would be no more feasible than a goat-lion or dog-elephant hybrid. In order for a hybrid to survive, the animals must have similar genetic makeups.
The only way for a human female to reproduce is to have sex with a human male during her fertile period (good luck finding one at all, let alone at a vital moment!) or for her to be implanted with her own fertilized egg* at one of the 146 government-run sperm banks across the country.
That’s it. There are no other options for human reproduction.
Got it? Good. Because I don’t want to have to repeat myself again.
*Women wishing to reproduce must meet certain monetary and intellectual standards. See ProvisionalGovermentAuthorityReproductiveRules.gov for more info.
Although the zombie sex drive seems like a recent invention, it has in fact been present in every species of zombie since time immemorial. Zombies, despite their demonlike appetites, are members of the natural world, and every living thing in the natural world has a sex drive. We did not see evidence of it in the three previous zombie outbreaks—the plagues of 1867, 1910 and 1964—because it was overpowered by the zombies’ hunger drive. The two drives coexist, but when the desire for flesh is stronger than the desire for “flesh,” the latter appears not to exist at all.
By controlling the variant Y zombie’s hunger drive, zombaceuticals have freed up his sex drive. So zombies want sex. A lot.
The desire for sex, however, is not always accompanied by the ability to have sex, and in this zombies need a little help. Based on the late-twentieth-century treatment model for erectile dysfunction, drugs like Zombiagra and Zombialis can create a sustained erection for approximately four hours.
Many critics point to the need for drugs as proof that zombies shouldn’t have sex. But history refutes this theory. According to a 1998 study, 5 percent of forty-year-old human males and 15 to 25 percent of sixty-five-year-old human males were unable to—in the vernacular of the time—get it up. Finding a medical solution to their physical problem was hailed as breakthrough. No less can be said for the zombies’ affliction.
Sexpert Anka Radakovich discusses zombie sex toys.
If your zombie boyfriend is away on business—lumbering after deer on Fire Island, say, with several of his closest undead buddies—or off his meds, you might need a backup plan to take care of your…needs. Never fear. Anka Radakovich, world-famous sex columnist and writer for British GQ, has emergency provisions that will keep you satisfied.
The perfect sex toys for zombies and the people who date them have arrived!
From its Freaks collection, the Fleshlight Company offers his ‘n’ her sex toys for nights of “necro-feel-ya.” The nasty-looking gray Zombie Dildo is for the ladies, and the Zombie Fleshlight is the favorite sex toy of zombie males. The fake vagina-in-a-can will suck the life out of him.
The company claims their “cock of the living dead” is made with “the highest-quality, platinum-cured silicone.” The zombie dick is great as a gift to yourself when your zombie is out of town, or to use in case your zombie can’t get it up.
According to Fleshlight, “The zombie wants your brains and the only way to get them is to f**k them out of you!” Dead or alive, the Fleshlight zombie dong has a constant erection.
Columnist, author and screenwriter, Anka Radakovich defined the modern-day sex column with her wildly popular column for Details magazine, which she wrote for nine years. Her hilarious take on sex, dating and relationships, created a devoted following. Currently, she writes a column for British GQ and is finishing her third book. Follow her on twitter @ankarad.
Once upon a time, zombies were a walking junkyard of littered limbs and scattered digits, but the new generation of zombaceuticals successfully halts the breakdown of ligament fibers, the number one cause of limb discharge. Limb retention is almost at a staggering 75 percent, which means most domesticated zombies have the vast majority of their limbs.
And don’t worry: Recent studies show that sex is neither more likely nor less likely to cause a limb mishap, disproving earlier theories that the rigors of intercourse are too much for their fragile frames.
Despite great advances in science, zombies still tend to lose their fingers and toes at an alarming rate and any discussion about zombies and sex would be remiss to not mention it. If a zombie loses a finger or toe during intercourse, stop what you’re doing immediately and fetch your zombie repair kit. Sew the digit back into place, wait ten minutes and resume previous activity.
Odds are, it’ll never happen to you, but it’s smart to be prepared, so make sure to keep your zombie repair kit up to date. Better safe than sorry.
OK, so you’ve gotten over the ewww and you’ve overcome the stink, but, you say, there’s still the squidge. Zombies are squidgy. They have gooshy, dampish and unpleasantly yielding skin.
You don’t want to feel that pressed up against you.
Squidginess might have been an issue with previous generations of zombies (although a recent article in The Daily Scoopage posits that this so-called pliancy problem was part of a global smear campaign orchestrated by vampire lovers), but it’s absolutely not a factor for the current crop. Modern medicine ensures that the well-cared-for zombie has the epidermis of a healthy forty-five-year-old. Apply regular firming treatments and your boyzomb will permanently retain the semisoft suppleness of early middle age forever. Banish thoughts of soggy bacon forever!