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Zombie scents and sexability

21 Oct

Back again? I knew you couldn’t stay away. Shiver in horror all you want, but there’s something impossibly compelling about zombie sex.

The second common misconception follows closely on the ewwwy heals of the first: Zombies are stinky.

I’ll be completely honest with you—yes, the zombie on the street smells. If you happen to be downwind of one in a park during public feeding hours, the stench will make your eyes water and your stomach roil. But this is not a new phenomenon. Very frequently, the man on the street smelled, too. Literature from the mid- to late-twentieth century recounts many instances of stinky men on airplanes, subways and buses. European men in particularly were known for eschewing artificial fresheners in favor of an au naturel pungency. Those men had the means not to smell, just as the modern zombie does, yet they chose not to avail themselves. And no doubt they got plenty of sex.

You can make a difference choice.

Scent sanitizers* neutralize zombie smells from the inside by dissolving the malodor molecules and by linking the remaining ones with the active ingredient cyclodextrin. Individual results varies but on average, a scent sanitizer takes two weeks to reach full effectiveness. Once a zombie has been disinfected, apply an external scent such as cologne or musk. What kind? That, my friend, is entirely up to you. Explore your options and don’t be afraid to take your boyzomb shopping for the scent that turns you on. You’ll be glad you did!

*There are several good scent santizers on the market. I like  Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit; available wherever zombaceuticals are sold).

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Zombie sex. You’ll be surprised.

14 Oct

I know what you’re thinking: zombie sex—ewww.

Ewwwww.

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

All done?

Oh, wait, one residual one? OK.

Ew.

Great. Now that that’s out of your system, let’s move on.

There are many misconceptions about zombie sex—and in the coming months I will discuss all of them here—but the single most enduring one is that zombie sex is gross and disgusting and completely revolting. In a study conducted by Geiser and Meyser Zombaceuticals, 58 percent of respondents said the thought of having sex with a zombie makes them throw up in their mouth.

Fair enough.

But the revulsion women feel at the thought of zombie sex has little to do with the modern, twenty-first century zombie and everything to do with the squidgy, smelly, putrid zombie of generations past. Previous species of zombies smelled like rotten meat mixed with dog crap and decayed at a rapid rate, their skin sliding off their frame like soggy pieces of bacon. Their gnarled teeth tore at their human victims with single-minded mendacity. Their garbled voices hurled growls into the dark night with ferocious hunger.

Any sane human being would feel nauseated at the thought of touching such a disgusting creature.

However, the modern, twenty-first-century zombie is nothing like his predecessor. The variant Y zombie is able to distinguish between higher order and lower order animals. He doesn’t crave human brains. This abstention has paved the way for a groundbreaking revolution in zombie pharmaceuticals. With the right regimen of zombaceuticals, today’s zombie is cleaner, firmer, sweeter smelling, better mannered and just plain nicer than his forerunner.

Zombie sex. You’ll be surprised