Tag Archives: behaviorial theory

Fork you! The zombie utensil debate

16 May

To spoon or not to spoon—that is indeed the question. And what a seemingly inconsequential one it is, too. And yet whether or not zombies should be given utensils is one of the most hotly contested issues of the post-human-male era. The reason is hardly surprising, as the question goes to the very heart of what a zombie is: helpmeet or equal, companion or predator, poorly motor skilled animated corpse or deftly coordinated uncomposing human.

Despite the chatter, the only thing that matters is how you feel about the issue. Not sure where you stand? Answer these questions and decide for yourself. Then stick a fork in it! This debate is done.

Do I have the patience to teach my boyzomb how to use utensils?
Forget should zombies use knives and forks. The real question is can they? The short answer is yes. With training and practice, a zombie can master the skills necessary to pick up a piece of brain with a fork. But it takes a lot of training and practice. A zombified human male loses 3.5 percent of its gross motor skills each day and 4.75 percent of its fine motor skills. By the time it’s one year into its zombihood, a typical grown male zombie has merely a fraction of its human coordination. And that’s only its physical decay; mentally, a zombie decays at five times the rate. This means teaching your zombie how to eat with utensils requires a tremendous about of patience and effort on your part. If you decide it’s worth it, stick with it. Studies show that after three years of consistent behavior therapy, a typical zombie can cut with all the accuracy and flare of a 4-year-old.

What do I find embarrassing?
Picture this: You and your boyzomb are at your boss’s house for dinner, and she puts a plate of perfectly prepared brain au jus in front of your beau. What happens next? Does your boyzomb clumsily pokes at his meal with a fork and knife or does his pick it up and start munching? Both options have their risks. At any moment, his knife could fly across the table or a fine stream of brain drizzle can run down his chin. Which one makes you cringe more? If it’s the latter, then run out and get Jennifer Junipers’s international best-seller, Introductory Utensil Skills for Dummies, an indispensible primer on teaching your zombie the basics.

How good are my reflexes?
If you do decided to go the utensil route, be prepared to duck often because knives, forks and spoons will frequently fly out of your zombie’s loose grip and straight at your head. Last year, eight women in the United Provisional Authority died from utensil-instruction-related injuries. Eighty-seven percent of wounds are caused by knives, so you might consider limiting your boyzomb’s repertoire to forks and spoons at first. Introduce the knife only after he has mastered the grapefruit spoon. Another alternative is to eliminate the knife entirely. Just know that in doing so you run the risk of being picketed by zombie-rights groups, who believe that denying zombies the right to a knife is denying them their essential humanity. Wearing headphones and drawing your shades should effectively drown out the protest, which typically last from five to thirteen days.

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Zombie’s little helper

29 Nov

Zombavan. Zombaline. Zombolay. Zomblosec. Zomblichol. Zombitrex.

There are so many zombie pharmaceuticals available today, it’s enough to drive one zombocrazy and send you running for the shelter of an entire bottle of zombavalium. But don’t despair: Finding the right drug regimen for your boyzomb takes only a little bit of effort.

And trust me, it’s entirely worth the effort. An au naturel zombie isn’t pretty.  Remember bipolar cousin Daisy in a manic fit at last year’s family picnic? That scary energy? That crazed look? That strange brightness to her cheeks? All those words pouring out in no particular order?

That’s your boyzomb off his meds.

Terrifying, right?

Some members of society vociferously complain that the use of chemicals to control zombie behavior is turning zombies into, well, zombies. But the truth is we wouldn’t have much of a society without them. It’s only with the advent of zombaceuticals that zombies have become a nondestructive force on civilization. Prior to the first zombie medication, the walking dead were walking appetites. They ate constantly, always foraging for small critters, frequently in your living room.

Of course, the impulse to respect a zombie’s natural brain chemistry—or, rather, his lack thereof—is sincere and understandable. But foregoing zombaceuticals for a more instinctive approach means selling short the exceptionalism of the variant Y zombie. Look at the facts: Variant Y is the first zombie plague not to infect woman. It’s the first zombie plague not to lust after human brains. Why do these exceptions exist? Some cynics insist they are merely unexplained aberrations in the history of zombie behavior. But scientist speculate that these exceptions purposefully exist to provide us with the opportunity to harness the zombie energy for good. The variant Y zombie isn’t the ferocious monster of previous generations by design, and it is our special obligation to help these reliving creatures to become productive members of society.

The secret to a happy, well-adjusted zombie is getting the zombaceutical regimen right.  In the chart below, find the most commonly prescribed drugs and their general recommended doses. Actual doses may vary depending on the height, weight and rate of decay of your zombie.

hate…

need

why

give

try

The way your boyzomb smells like a lethal combo of two-week-old dead cow and microwaved halibut. Scent sanitizer It neutralizes zombie smells from the inside. Two 5 ml vial injections daily for first month, then one 3 ml vial daily Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser
($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit)
When your boyzomb’s finger falls off Limb reinforcer It reinforces the fibers that connect limbs to the body. One 10 ml vial injection daily; one 20 ml superdose monthly Zombavan from Squibblet and Squegee ($5/ regular dose; $20/superdose)
Getting scratched by your boyzomb’s rough skin Moisturizer It eases the drying effects of death and decay. Apply cream to skin morning and night. Zombaline Day and Night Complete Regenerationiste from Geiser and Meyser
($90/3 oz jar)
The strips of skin that peel off your boyzomb’s body Firming serum It improves skin cohesion. Apply a generous amount of serum before moisturizer at night. Zombolay WearRepair Serum by Marper, Harper and May ($120/ 2 oz jar)
Your boyzomb’s inability to get fully into the mood Erectile dysfunction medication It creates an erection that lasts up to four hours. One 10 ml injection whenever you’re rarin’ to go Zombiagra by Geiser and Meyser ($4/dose)
Some of your boyzomb’s worst instincts Behavioral modification medication It regulates appetite, increases pronunciation skills and improves behavior. three 5 ml injections daily Zombichol by Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose)

Why you’re too smart to fall for the latent-humanity fallacy

18 Oct

Let’s be honest: It’s hard to accept the complete and total debraining of another human being. You look at a zombie and see remnants of the man he used to be—half a nose, part of a jawline, a dangling eye or two. It’s like looking at a gorilla: You can trace the outline of humanity in its rough shoulders and dragging arms. Because of these glancing physical similarities, theories have popped up that seek to locate typical zombie behaviors in the human that preceded it. The bellwether of the latent-humanity theory is the zombie’s passive fascination with football. Much has been written about their marked preference for Super Bowl III, and we all know that zombies love watching the New York Jets trounce the Baltimore Colts. Zombie behaviorists attribute this partiality to a vestigial love of football shared by all men—a primal scream manifesting itself as a primal sport.

But this supposition perpetuates millennia of dangerous female thinking because it suggests that if we just look hard enough, if we just dig deep enough, we will find the decent human male buried beneath the monster. It wasn’t true for Dr. Jekyll and it isn’t true today. Scratch the surface of a monster and you will find more monster. To imply otherwise puts the onus on women to look harder and dig deeper, which is misleading and cruel.

Zombies aren’t typical “monsters,” to be sure. True monsterness requires intent, and zombies don’t intend anything. They merely do: forage for brains, stare at football, lumber about. If anything, they’re a force of nature—the wind, say—and like the wind, they can destroy or be harnessed for good. There is no middle ground, no recovery of an inner soul. Zombies are empty shells.

But you already know that. Because you’re too smart to fall for the latent-humanity fallacy.