Tag Archives: brains

Zombie-sex misconception #7: Zombies don’t care about your satisfaction

17 Feb

Listen up, Girl Guides, because this one is especially false: Zombies only care about your satisfaction. As dead creatures with reanimated life, they have no pleasure centers in the prefrontal cortex (or any cortex). They don’t eat brains because they enjoy the taste; they eat brains because they’re compelled to. It’s a thoughtless compulsion. The same with sex. Zombies aren’t in it for the orgasm. They don’t  know what an A, B or C is, let alone the Big O. For them, sex is simply another drive. They do it because nature compels them to. At no point will a zombie roll off you and say, “Thanks, honey, I’m good.” You’re the one who’s going to have to do the rolling off (and much of the rocking!). Trust me, that makes all the difference.

And while you’re cuddling with your sweetie in languid postcoital repose, don’t forget to ménage-à-trois with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter, pre-zombie-sex days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Available from Shebooks ($2.99).

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The golden rule: Girls before ghouls

5 Sep

You don’t have to tell me about the giddy exuberance of a new romance. I know far too well how easy it is to get caught up in the minutia of a new partner: the adorable hesitance with which he nibbles the edge of a cow brain before digging in, the  sweet-acrid singe of his skin as he smells a burning candle, the slightly shameful tilt of his head when you catch him trying to eat your cat. The pleasures of a new relationship are many, even with a zombie boyfriend, and it’s easy to close yourself off in your own little love bubble.

Resist the urge.

Although the love bubble feels like a reassuringly warm and lovely cocoon, it’s in fact a treacherous place to be. Relationships with zombies, even the best of them, are temporary. One day, your boyzomb will disappear. Maybe he’ll follow some other woman home. Maybe he’ll get lost in a crowd. Maybe he’ll simply decay into a mound of slushy gray mushiness. At that moment, you’ll look around for your friends and they won’t be there. You won’t even be able to remember when or how you lost them. Because that’s what the love bubble does—makes you oblivious to everything but your love.

But that doesn’t have to be you, weeping alone in a dark corner, uncomforted by the warm hug of caring friends. You can overcome the lure of the love bubble by following one simple rule: girls before ghouls.

Here’s how it works: You want to take your boyzomb to the slaughterhouse for a very special, 17-day anniversary dinner but it’s also your bestie Tabitha’s birthday. You’d rather watch that adorable cow-brain nibble of your new crush, but rather than succumb, reschedule for the next night and take your BFF for dinner instead. Your pal will give you best-buddy points for pushing back such an important event, your zombie boyfriend won’t know the difference (17 days, 18 days, 1,265 days—it’s all the same to him) and you’ll get the lovely satisfaction of doing the right thing. It’s win-win-win.

Now, that’s what I call giddy exhuberance.

Who gets the door?: Zombie-neutral etiquette for the 21st century

4 Sep

Long before the H1Z1 virus turned 99.9999 percent of all men into zombies, the issue of who should open the door for whom was a hot-button topic. Opinions varied widely on the necessity and utility of chivalry in the modern world, and there were as many definitions of what it meant to be a gentleman as there were gentlemen.

Now, of course, the debate is over. Who gets the door? You.

Every. Single. Time.

The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.

But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. The sad truth is, he simply hasn’t thought of it. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.

There is much to miss with the zombification of the male population—sparking wit, spirited conversation, even the well-thought-out zinger in the middle of a heated argument—but the loss of old-fashioned courtesy is not one of them. Don’t think of it as the end of chivalry. Think of it as the end of awkward pauses at the door. Think of it as the end of unintended offense when you competently open the door for yourself. Think of it as the end of scurrying over the threshold under the arm of a man who won’t let you open the door for him. Think of it as the end of gender inequality as we know it.

Still not convinced? That’s all right. The zombpocalypse has been hard on all of us, and we each adapt to this brave new world at our own pace. So if you don’t want to open the door for yourself, don’t. One of your fellow female human beings will be along in a moment or two and I’m sure she’d be happy to do it for you. Because it’s not the door itself that matters; it’s the portal of possibilities it represents.

Free Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies condoms!

13 Feb

Girls Guide Condoms croppedWe know. We know. The last thing a Girl Guide like you needs in her zombie-dating surival kit is a condom. Needle and thread for unexpected limb loss? Oh, yeah. Freeze-dried cat brains to ward off attacks on your neighbor’s dog? A must. But condoms? Sex with a zombie is 100 percent risk-free—no muss, no fuss and, if you’re having a particularly good day, no detatched digits. (And if you aren’t, you have your handy sewing kit at the ready!)

We’re totally on your page, so we know you’ll get a kick out of these post-human-male-intercourse-era condoms. Use them as coasters, Christmas Tree decorations or bookmarks. Unwrap a few, blow them up amd play zombie-condom-balloon dodge ball. The possibilities are endless.

But don’t let the irony fool you. These condoms are FDA-approved and entirely functional. Plus, they’re good until June 2016—which gives you plenty of time to invent a cure for zombism, administer it and wait for the zombie of your dreams to turn back into a human male.

Intrigued? Hooked? Unable to take another breath without sporting a zombie-condom pin on your lapel right this very minute? No worries. This hot new fashion accessory and relic of a bygone age can be yours with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Buy a copy anytime from February 13 to February 20 and send the receipt to ZombieDatingCentral
@gmail.com and we’ll drop a condom in the mail to you.
It’s that easy. Want a matching pair of condoms to wear as earrings? Buy two books. Want to make a belt? Buy two dozen. Whatever works for you.

So go buy a book now and send us the receipt. Condom-distribution experts are standing by!

Offer good while supplies last, so act now.

Don’t date the zombie, warns Married with Zombies author Jesse Petersen

25 May

Zombie expert Jesse Petersen warns women not to date zombies. “Aim for the head,” she says. “Protect your brain.”

It’s no secret that dating a zombie isn’t for everyone, and here at the Girls’ Guide we pride ourselves in embracing dissenting views. In the following, zombie expert Jesse Petersen, author of the supremely funny Living with the Dead trilogy, shares why she thinks dating a zombie isn’t such a good idea. She’s written three books on the subject, so perhaps she knows something we don’t!

First off, thanks so much to Lynn for having me today as a guest on the blog. I especially thank her since my topic is one so very far from her own opinion on this subject. I mean, date a zombie?? I’ve always thought my first reaction (and the reactions of all my characters) would be to kill a zombie and think about dating last. So I would like to offer a bit of an alternative advice to those considering dating a zombie.

5 Reasons Not to Date a Zombie (Out of 50,000)

1. Lack of upward mobility
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there are going to be a lot of zombies. Really, it will be the “it” thing to do, so you’d think that would mean a zombie would be a great guy to date. He’s not. There’s no upward mobility in it. Once you’re a zombie, you’re a zombie. There aren’t upper management zombies. Or doctor zombies. And it’s not that you need a guy who is going to move on up, but dating a guy who has no chance of upward mobility is dating a man who is stalled in his life. No fun.

2. He’s always checking out other girls…and guys
Cheating is just a no-no, and it can come in a lot of forms. With a zombie boyfriend, he’s always going to be looking around at other people. Now it won’t be for sex…but he’s going to want someone else for their brains. Can you live with that? With not being the only brain for him?

3. His sense of humor is stilted
Imagine a lifetime of this one joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Brains.” That’s it. That’s the whole joke. He’s not going to learn another one.

4. Body parts coming off during sex
Sexual compatibility is a big part of a good relationship, and I’m sure there are some zombies that still remember all the right moves. And since their muscle fibers and tissues are breaking down, they can also probably move around in some really crazy ways. But if a leg comes off in the middle of the sexy,
it’s going to scar you for life. I don’t care how freaky you are!!

5. Also, he wants to kill you
This is biggest reason not to date a zombie. He’s going to moan and groan and make all the right hand gestures, but when he smells your hair, it’s not about how hot he thinks you are. It’s about that tasty brain you’re keeping in your skull cavity. That’s what he wants, girl! Your brain. And even though we’ve all spent
decades exclaiming how we want guys to love us for our brains, in this case, it’s really not going to work…unless you want to zombie up, too.

So make your decision about who you pursue after the apocalypse comes, but don’t let some hot piece of zombie ass make you forget the pitfalls. Aim for the head, protect your brain.

Jesse Petersen is the author of many novels, including the truly hilarious Married With Zombies, Flip This Zombie and Eat, Slay, Love. Until the zombie apocalypse, she lives in the Midwest with her husband and two cats. Find out more about her at jessepetersen.net or follow her on Twitter @jessepet.

Fork you! The zombie utensil debate

16 May

To spoon or not to spoon—that is indeed the question. And what a seemingly inconsequential one it is, too. And yet whether or not zombies should be given utensils is one of the most hotly contested issues of the post-human-male era. The reason is hardly surprising, as the question goes to the very heart of what a zombie is: helpmeet or equal, companion or predator, poorly motor skilled animated corpse or deftly coordinated uncomposing human.

Despite the chatter, the only thing that matters is how you feel about the issue. Not sure where you stand? Answer these questions and decide for yourself. Then stick a fork in it! This debate is done.

Do I have the patience to teach my boyzomb how to use utensils?
Forget should zombies use knives and forks. The real question is can they? The short answer is yes. With training and practice, a zombie can master the skills necessary to pick up a piece of brain with a fork. But it takes a lot of training and practice. A zombified human male loses 3.5 percent of its gross motor skills each day and 4.75 percent of its fine motor skills. By the time it’s one year into its zombihood, a typical grown male zombie has merely a fraction of its human coordination. And that’s only its physical decay; mentally, a zombie decays at five times the rate. This means teaching your zombie how to eat with utensils requires a tremendous about of patience and effort on your part. If you decide it’s worth it, stick with it. Studies show that after three years of consistent behavior therapy, a typical zombie can cut with all the accuracy and flare of a 4-year-old.

What do I find embarrassing?
Picture this: You and your boyzomb are at your boss’s house for dinner, and she puts a plate of perfectly prepared brain au jus in front of your beau. What happens next? Does your boyzomb clumsily pokes at his meal with a fork and knife or does his pick it up and start munching? Both options have their risks. At any moment, his knife could fly across the table or a fine stream of brain drizzle can run down his chin. Which one makes you cringe more? If it’s the latter, then run out and get Jennifer Junipers’s international best-seller, Introductory Utensil Skills for Dummies, an indispensible primer on teaching your zombie the basics.

How good are my reflexes?
If you do decided to go the utensil route, be prepared to duck often because knives, forks and spoons will frequently fly out of your zombie’s loose grip and straight at your head. Last year, eight women in the United Provisional Authority died from utensil-instruction-related injuries. Eighty-seven percent of wounds are caused by knives, so you might consider limiting your boyzomb’s repertoire to forks and spoons at first. Introduce the knife only after he has mastered the grapefruit spoon. Another alternative is to eliminate the knife entirely. Just know that in doing so you run the risk of being picketed by zombie-rights groups, who believe that denying zombies the right to a knife is denying them their essential humanity. Wearing headphones and drawing your shades should effectively drown out the protest, which typically last from five to thirteen days.

Defusing the zomb Guam bomb

30 Apr

You arrive at a dinner party of an old college friend or a colleague from work. Your host greets you and your zombie date graciously at the door. She invites you in, and as she takes your coat, she runs through the basics: hors d’oeuvre on the coffee tables, drinks in the kitchen, zombies in the corner by the ficus. You look up and sure enough, six zombies are herded into the far corner of the living room behind a tall plant.

Welcome to zomb Guam.

A zombie-holding zone, or zomb Guam, as it’s more commonly known, is an area that’s put aside exclusively for zombies to keep them out of the way during a party or event. This practice, which is patently offensive to zombies and the women who date them, has been wholeheartedly condemned by the NAAZP. Nevertheless, many women, particularly those of the older generation, still think it’s perfectly fine to park zombies in a dark corner like they’re strollers.

If zomb Guam happens to you—and if you date a zombie for an appreciable amount of time, it will happen to you—don’t be shocked. Handle the situation with equanimity and give the zombaphobe a reason to blush. Here are four ways to keep your cool.

1. Speak up. Gently suggest to your host that you don’t think it’s entirely appropriate to deposit your date in the corner like an inanimate object. Smile so she knows you’re not judging her or her attitude.  It will be a little awkward because you’re a guest and you don’t want to make waves, but she’s your friend—she’ll understand your concern and respect your opinion.

2. Suggest an alternative. Most zombie zones are tiny. Wanting to concede as little space as possible to brain-munching interlopers, a host will typically cram six or seven zombies into an area large enough for three. Ask your host if the zombies could be relocated to a spare bedroom or a finished basement, any space that’s not currently in use. (Do not propose the room that’s being used to collect coats. It does not further the zombie cause to have a guest go home with skin slippage on her cashmere scarf.) Putting the zombies in a different room provides them with greater comfort while at the same time ensuring they remain separate. If she seems receptive, request that she bring in a  television for their entertainment.

3. Accept it. If you’ve made your case and your host is stubbornly committed to zomb Guam, let it be. After all, you are her guest and you have to respect her wants and wishes. Apologize quietly to your zombie date for the disrespectful treatment and visit him often in his pen. It’s unlikely a zombaphobe will have refreshments on hand for her zombie guests but give the kitchen a thorough once-over  just in case. If the cupboards are bare, check the mousetraps.

4. Plan better. Once you’ve been hit by a zomb Guam bomb, you learn to anticipate it.That’s good. It doesn’t hurt to keep your guard up. The next time you’re invited to a party, ask explicitly if your boyzomb is invited. If she says yes, confirm that he will have the run of the house and not be confined to a tiny zone. Once you know everything, you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to attend. Take heart: As more and more women date zombies, the old-fashioned anti-zombie attitude will become an artifact of the past, as will zomb Guam. Just give it some time.