Tag Archives: communication

Zombie-Sex Misconception #8: Zombies can’t find the clitoris

20 Feb

To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this  sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.

The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.

This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.

And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

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Hattie Cross tells all

3 Dec

Sure, you’re deep in the love bubble with your rottie hottie now, but it hasn’t always been this way. Once upon a time—maybe at the very beginning of the plague, maybe a dozen years in—you swore you’d never, ever date a zombie. You’d have to be dead five days yourself before you’d even consider going to the movies with a decomposing corpse.

And yet here you are: sharing a Neflix account.

Life’s full of surprises.

You don’t have to tell me. When I started my journalism career as a cub reporter (er, intern) for the Xombie Review, the last thing I  expected was to one day write the definitive how-to for meeting and dating zombies. I was just was as boy crazy as the rest of womankind—that is, crazy enough to think I’d actually meet a boy. Roughly 300,000 unzombified human males left on the planet and I’d somehow bump into one in line at the supermarket.

That’s right, girl guides, even I succumbed to the magical thinking that affected so many of our mothers, who believed the H1Z1 virus would naturally run its course and turn our fathers back into the nurturing human beings they’d mostly been.

What changed my mind? Wouldn’t you like to know!

Well, now you can: LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES, my new tell-all soon to be released from Shebooks, gives all the gritty details of my transformation from zombie hater to zombie lover. Cringe at my first zombie date! Wince as I try to break into a secret government facility! Cheer as I grow as a person!

Heart, wit, suspense—this story has it all. And check out the cover. See that cool upside-down heart blood drop? That represents the topsy-turvy world we live in. Clever, right?! Look for LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES later this month.

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The golden rule: Girls before ghouls

5 Sep

You don’t have to tell me about the giddy exuberance of a new romance. I know far too well how easy it is to get caught up in the minutia of a new partner: the adorable hesitance with which he nibbles the edge of a cow brain before digging in, the  sweet-acrid singe of his skin as he smells a burning candle, the slightly shameful tilt of his head when you catch him trying to eat your cat. The pleasures of a new relationship are many, even with a zombie boyfriend, and it’s easy to close yourself off in your own little love bubble.

Resist the urge.

Although the love bubble feels like a reassuringly warm and lovely cocoon, it’s in fact a treacherous place to be. Relationships with zombies, even the best of them, are temporary. One day, your boyzomb will disappear. Maybe he’ll follow some other woman home. Maybe he’ll get lost in a crowd. Maybe he’ll simply decay into a mound of slushy gray mushiness. At that moment, you’ll look around for your friends and they won’t be there. You won’t even be able to remember when or how you lost them. Because that’s what the love bubble does—makes you oblivious to everything but your love.

But that doesn’t have to be you, weeping alone in a dark corner, uncomforted by the warm hug of caring friends. You can overcome the lure of the love bubble by following one simple rule: girls before ghouls.

Here’s how it works: You want to take your boyzomb to the slaughterhouse for a very special, 17-day anniversary dinner but it’s also your bestie Tabitha’s birthday. You’d rather watch that adorable cow-brain nibble of your new crush, but rather than succumb, reschedule for the next night and take your BFF for dinner instead. Your pal will give you best-buddy points for pushing back such an important event, your zombie boyfriend won’t know the difference (17 days, 18 days, 1,265 days—it’s all the same to him) and you’ll get the lovely satisfaction of doing the right thing. It’s win-win-win.

Now, that’s what I call giddy exhuberance.

Who gets the door?: Zombie-neutral etiquette for the 21st century

4 Sep

Long before the H1Z1 virus turned 99.9999 percent of all men into zombies, the issue of who should open the door for whom was a hot-button topic. Opinions varied widely on the necessity and utility of chivalry in the modern world, and there were as many definitions of what it meant to be a gentleman as there were gentlemen.

Now, of course, the debate is over. Who gets the door? You.

Every. Single. Time.

The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.

But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. The sad truth is, he simply hasn’t thought of it. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.

There is much to miss with the zombification of the male population—sparking wit, spirited conversation, even the well-thought-out zinger in the middle of a heated argument—but the loss of old-fashioned courtesy is not one of them. Don’t think of it as the end of chivalry. Think of it as the end of awkward pauses at the door. Think of it as the end of unintended offense when you competently open the door for yourself. Think of it as the end of scurrying over the threshold under the arm of a man who won’t let you open the door for him. Think of it as the end of gender inequality as we know it.

Still not convinced? That’s all right. The zombpocalypse has been hard on all of us, and we each adapt to this brave new world at our own pace. So if you don’t want to open the door for yourself, don’t. One of your fellow female human beings will be along in a moment or two and I’m sure she’d be happy to do it for you. Because it’s not the door itself that matters; it’s the portal of possibilities it represents.

Zombie sex misconception #6: Zombies can father zombie babies

26 Apr

Listen up, folks! The rumors about this one are rampant, despite a multimillion-dollar National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People public-awareness campaign, so I will be absolutely clear: Sex with a zombie will not result in a half-human, half-zombie baby.

Hold on. Let me repeat that for the women in the last row: SEX WITH A ZOMBIE WILL NOT RESULT IN A HALF-HUMAN, HALF-ZOMBIE BABY.

Sorry to get all crazy-loud-neighbor shouty on you, but this misconception is particularly persistent. But it’s patently not true. For one thing, it’s physically impossible for any creature to reproduce without the necessary biological matter of sperm. Zombie’s don’t have sperm. Their testicles do not function, which means they cannot produce little swimmers. Secondly, even if a zombie could produce viable sperm (which it can’t!), a human-zombie hybrid would be no more feasible than a goat-lion or dog-elephant hybrid. In order for a hybrid to survive, the animals must have similar genetic makeups.

The only way for a human female to reproduce is to have sex with a human male during her fertile period (good luck finding one at all, let alone at a vital moment!) or for her to be implanted with her own fertilized egg* at one of the 146 government-run sperm banks across the country.

That’s it. There are no other options for human reproduction.

Got it? Good. Because I don’t want to have to repeat myself again.

*Women wishing to reproduce must meet certain monetary and intellectual standards. See ProvisionalGovermentAuthorityReproductiveRules.gov for more info.

Spa package: Take home the perfect zombie boyfriend

29 Feb

Zombies! They’re still a dime a dozen, but you’ve yet to meet one that qualifies as boyfriend material. If all the zombies you know are too zombiacious, then our first two methods—culling the herd and hitting the slaughterhouse—probably aren’t for you. You need something a little more sophisticated. Method 3 provides sophistication (as well as domestication!) in spades. But you have to be willing to put up with a little pampering. Think you can handle it? Great. Check in to the resort spa of love.

Method 3: Spending a day at the spa

Best suited for:

  • Women with no time to spare
  • Women who like luxury
  • Women who want a low-maintenance relationship
  • Women with large disposable incomes

What it entails: Spending a day at the spa is exactly what it sounds like: You check into a high-end spa in the morning and spend the day being coddled and pampered while the staff presents a series of zombies for your inspection based on a detailed questionnaire you filled in while getting a pedicure.

The advantages: The advantages to a spa zombie are almost impossible to calculate. A zombie from a spa is fully domesticated, which means you get a perfectly groomed specimen whose skin is soft and firm from daily elasticity treatments. He smells as fresh as a daisy and comes with a firmly established drug regimen. All spa zombies are vetted by the spa staff and are trained in comportment. They eat only the highest-quality brains and retain all their limbs and digits.

Biannual checkups are included in all spa packages, as is a month’s supply of all creams, sprays and injections.

A spa zombie requires no effort on your part. You walk in single; you walk out with the perfect boyzomb.

The disadvantages: There only disadvantage to a spa zombie is expense. Prices start at $1,000 and increase incrementally depending on what services you require.

Conclusion: Going the spa route is a simple, high-end, luxurious, no-fuss way to meet a zombie—and what a zombie you’ll meet! Busy career women with no time to spare will delight in the ease and splendor of the experience: They leave with softer, younger skin; perfectly manicured nails; and a boyzomb. Now, that’s what you call one-stop shopping!

Zombie Dating Central is standing by!

28 Feb

Here at the Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies, we know it’s never easy to sustain a healthy relationship. And just because your partner is a reanimated corpse with a rotted brain doesn’t mean dating is suddenly  simple. Au contraire, my friend. If you thought men with fully functioning brains were uncommunicative , just wait until you try to get one with slushy gray matter to tell you how he really feels.

You’ll be hard-pressed not to ugh, ergh and argh your head against a wall.

Hold steady! The experts at the Girls’ Guide are here to help. We’ve spent years bungling our way through every awkward dating experience conceivable. Inconvenient smell? Check. Irate ex? Check. Missing cat suspected of being devoured by a poorly medicated zombie? Check. Lost eyeball in the soup? Check, check and check. (We challenge you to find a bowl of soup on the isle of Manhattan that one of our zombie dates’ eyes hasn’tfallen into.)

And now we’re making our extraordinary expertise available to you on a one-on-one basis, so you can get all our excellent zombie-dating advice tailored to your situation. We call our new, premium service Zombie Dating Command hotline because we have full command of your zombie-dating experience. To get started, simply fill out this form and email both to our command center centralized location (ZombieDatingCentral@gmail.com). What are you waiting for? Your perfect relationship is only a few clicks away.

1. I’ve been dating my boyzomb for

  • more than six months.
  • fewer than six months.
  • I’ve never had a boyzomb
  • What’s a boyzomb?
2. I’ve had
  •  five or more boyzombs.
  •  three or four boyzombs
  •  one or two boyzombs.
  •  maybe one boyzomb—I’m not sure if we were dating or just hunting for squirrels together.
3. I believe a relationship should be
  •  satisfying all the time.
  •  satisfying most of the time.
  •  satisfying some of the time.
  •  never satisfying. What’s the point of having a boyzomb if you can’t complain about him?
4. My ideal boyzomb would
  •  be into me 24/7.
  •  notice important details like my cute new haircut.
  •  love watching chick flicks.
  •  None of the above. I have realistic expectations for my relationship.
5. I am
  • old enough to have dated a zombie.
  • old enough to have dated several zombies.
  • old enough to remember what it was like to date men.
  • old enough to consider this questionnaire completely absurd.
6. I would be interested in
  • getting an email reply from you (free).
  • having a one-on-one email chat ($9.99 for three email exchanges).
  • discussing my problem over the phone ($19.99 per each ten minutes).
  • the deluxe Zombie Dating Commando package ($299.99 for total access; email or call whenever you want—in the middle of the afternoon or the dead of night. We are here for you in your time of need!)
7. Yes, I’m totally interested in your book, The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies!
  •  Tell me where to get it now!
  •  Tell me where to get it a second ago!
  •  Tell me where to get it two weeks ago!
  •  Tell me and every person I’ve ever met where to get it! Here’s my mailing list!