Tag Archives: date night

Zombie-Sex Misconception #8: Zombies can’t find the clitoris

20 Feb

To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this  sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.

The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.

This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.

And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

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The golden rule: Girls before ghouls

5 Sep

You don’t have to tell me about the giddy exuberance of a new romance. I know far too well how easy it is to get caught up in the minutia of a new partner: the adorable hesitance with which he nibbles the edge of a cow brain before digging in, the  sweet-acrid singe of his skin as he smells a burning candle, the slightly shameful tilt of his head when you catch him trying to eat your cat. The pleasures of a new relationship are many, even with a zombie boyfriend, and it’s easy to close yourself off in your own little love bubble.

Resist the urge.

Although the love bubble feels like a reassuringly warm and lovely cocoon, it’s in fact a treacherous place to be. Relationships with zombies, even the best of them, are temporary. One day, your boyzomb will disappear. Maybe he’ll follow some other woman home. Maybe he’ll get lost in a crowd. Maybe he’ll simply decay into a mound of slushy gray mushiness. At that moment, you’ll look around for your friends and they won’t be there. You won’t even be able to remember when or how you lost them. Because that’s what the love bubble does—makes you oblivious to everything but your love.

But that doesn’t have to be you, weeping alone in a dark corner, uncomforted by the warm hug of caring friends. You can overcome the lure of the love bubble by following one simple rule: girls before ghouls.

Here’s how it works: You want to take your boyzomb to the slaughterhouse for a very special, 17-day anniversary dinner but it’s also your bestie Tabitha’s birthday. You’d rather watch that adorable cow-brain nibble of your new crush, but rather than succumb, reschedule for the next night and take your BFF for dinner instead. Your pal will give you best-buddy points for pushing back such an important event, your zombie boyfriend won’t know the difference (17 days, 18 days, 1,265 days—it’s all the same to him) and you’ll get the lovely satisfaction of doing the right thing. It’s win-win-win.

Now, that’s what I call giddy exhuberance.

Zombie Dating Central is standing by!

28 Feb

Here at the Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies, we know it’s never easy to sustain a healthy relationship. And just because your partner is a reanimated corpse with a rotted brain doesn’t mean dating is suddenly  simple. Au contraire, my friend. If you thought men with fully functioning brains were uncommunicative , just wait until you try to get one with slushy gray matter to tell you how he really feels.

You’ll be hard-pressed not to ugh, ergh and argh your head against a wall.

Hold steady! The experts at the Girls’ Guide are here to help. We’ve spent years bungling our way through every awkward dating experience conceivable. Inconvenient smell? Check. Irate ex? Check. Missing cat suspected of being devoured by a poorly medicated zombie? Check. Lost eyeball in the soup? Check, check and check. (We challenge you to find a bowl of soup on the isle of Manhattan that one of our zombie dates’ eyes hasn’tfallen into.)

And now we’re making our extraordinary expertise available to you on a one-on-one basis, so you can get all our excellent zombie-dating advice tailored to your situation. We call our new, premium service Zombie Dating Command hotline because we have full command of your zombie-dating experience. To get started, simply fill out this form and email both to our command center centralized location (ZombieDatingCentral@gmail.com). What are you waiting for? Your perfect relationship is only a few clicks away.

1. I’ve been dating my boyzomb for

  • more than six months.
  • fewer than six months.
  • I’ve never had a boyzomb
  • What’s a boyzomb?
2. I’ve had
  •  five or more boyzombs.
  •  three or four boyzombs
  •  one or two boyzombs.
  •  maybe one boyzomb—I’m not sure if we were dating or just hunting for squirrels together.
3. I believe a relationship should be
  •  satisfying all the time.
  •  satisfying most of the time.
  •  satisfying some of the time.
  •  never satisfying. What’s the point of having a boyzomb if you can’t complain about him?
4. My ideal boyzomb would
  •  be into me 24/7.
  •  notice important details like my cute new haircut.
  •  love watching chick flicks.
  •  None of the above. I have realistic expectations for my relationship.
5. I am
  • old enough to have dated a zombie.
  • old enough to have dated several zombies.
  • old enough to remember what it was like to date men.
  • old enough to consider this questionnaire completely absurd.
6. I would be interested in
  • getting an email reply from you (free).
  • having a one-on-one email chat ($9.99 for three email exchanges).
  • discussing my problem over the phone ($19.99 per each ten minutes).
  • the deluxe Zombie Dating Commando package ($299.99 for total access; email or call whenever you want—in the middle of the afternoon or the dead of night. We are here for you in your time of need!)
7. Yes, I’m totally interested in your book, The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies!
  •  Tell me where to get it now!
  •  Tell me where to get it a second ago!
  •  Tell me where to get it two weeks ago!
  •  Tell me and every person I’ve ever met where to get it! Here’s my mailing list!

Maggot infestations. Bursting body cavities. Bad breath. Andy Warner tells his fellow zombies to clean up their act if they want a second date.

17 Feb

If it sometimes feels like you’re doing all the work in your zombie relationship, take heart. Not all undead are willing to coast on their corpse-y charm. Andy Warner, the hero of Breathers, by S.G. Browne, reminds his follow zombies that appearance is important—just because you’re dead is no reason to let yourself go. Read this to-do list to your zombie boyfriend. If he doesn’t eat the paper, then he might be ready to take your relationship to the next level.

I’m Andy Warner, the protagonist and hero of the dark romantic zombie comedy Breathers, written by S.G. Browne, here to give a few helpful dating tips to my fellow zombies. Or as we refer to ourselves in therapy: the living-challenged.

When you’re a gradually decomposing reanimated corpse, you have to expect to deal with certain challenges—like the smell of hydrogen sulfide and the oozing of intestinal juices and the occasional skin slip. It’s just part of being a zombie. But there are a few things you can do to improve your general hygiene that will help to keep your date from gagging or dry-heaving before the appetizers arrive.

1. Rather than relying on deodorants or neutralizing fragrances to mask the odor of decomposing flesh, I suggest soaking in a Pine-Sol bath. It penetrates the skin and lasts longer and will do wonders for your self-confidence.

2. If you have zombie breath, which, admittedly, most zombies do, try gargling with Lysol disinfectant. Simple Green is good, too. And it tastes minty fresh. Either one works. And they’re both wonderful at preventing pesky maggot infestations.

3. Spontaneous dismemberment happens. While there’s nothing you can do to prevent it, how you deal with it can make or break an evening. So rather than getting upset that your ear has fallen off and landed in your soup, make a joke about it. Women love a sense of humor.

4. Finally, even if you get regular formaldehyde fixes, at some point it’s likely that one of your main body cavities is going to burst open. So a good rule of thumb is to wear Depends. This can help you to avoid an otherwise embarrassing situation and improve your chances of scoring a second date.

If you take the time to take care of yourself, you’ll eventually find that special someone who appreciates you for who you are. So I hope these dating hints are helpful to all of my living-challenged friends out there.

One final word of advice for any Breathers who might be reading this: When you’re out on a date with a zombie, much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mustard on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper etiquette to let a zombie know if his nose is sliding off his face.

S.G. Browne is the author of Breathers and  Fated, an irreverent comedy about fate, destiny, and the consequences of getting involved in the lives of humans. His new book, Lucky Bastard, drops on April 17.

First zombie date jitters? Dating coach Evan Marc Katz talks you down with these smart, simple pointers.

16 Feb

Evan Marc Katz provides pointers for the perfect first date with a zombie.

So you’ve finally decided you’ve had enough of Wall Street alpha males. Good for you! But you’re still not sure you want to date a zombie. That’s understandable. Millions of women share your concerns. Dating expert and media commentator Evan Marc Katz thinks you should keep an open mind. Here, he makes a case for dating the undead and provides pointers for a memorable first date.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, you can only imagine the number of requests I get for tips on how to better connect with zombies. Today’s working girl doesn’t need some Wall Street alpha male who is too busy climbing the corporate ladder to appreciate that she changed her hair color or needs a spa weekend to detox. Zombie men are among the most open, least judgmental and appreciative dudes on the entire planet.

So if you want to connect with that cute zombie in the next cubicle, here are 3 tips that are sure to make him grunt with delight on your next Z-date.

1. You know how normal guys like to hear themselves talk? Not zombies! So if you generally try to connect with men by being a really great listener as they prattle on about their golf games or college hijinks, stop. Zombies are all about YOU and will keep lumbering and lurching forward as long as you’re doing the talking. Make sure you tell them about your funny girlfriends and your everyday workout routine. Unlike regular guys, they LOVE that!

2. Despite their penchant to be traditional and conservative, most zombies simply will NOT pay for the first date. Some say it’s because they’re unsure about the ever-changing dynamic between men and women, and some say it’s because they simply don’t have wallets, but either way, make sure you bring a little extra cash when dining out with the undead.

3. Most importantly, just be yourself! Zombies can sniff out a Nervous Nellie as quickly as they can detect the scent of a nearby severed head. So relax. Have an extra cosmo. Try not to recoil at the pungent scent of rotting flesh, freak out when he loses a hand in his lobster bisque or scream when he attacks the sommelier. You do want there to be a second date, don’t you?

To be sure, zombies aren’t for everyone. But for the young, upwardly mobile woman who prefers the strong, silent type to today’s sensitive Peter Pans who cry when they can’t sell their Bright Eyes–inspired acoustic music, you’re in luck. A date with a zombie isn’t only a thrill a minute, but it’s likely the last first date you’ll ever go on. Have fun!

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach for strong, smart, successful women and the author of Why He Disappeared. He has appeared on the Today show, The Early Show and The Rachel Ray Show, among other programs. Read his blog at EvanMarcKatz.com, watch his videos on YouTube and follow him on Twitter @evanmarckatz.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets eaten

14 Feb

Don't be lunch! Ashby has tips for a safe and healthy zombie relationship.

Worried that the besotted look in your zombie boyfriend’s eye is just hunger? Don’t panic. Amanda Ashby, official leader of Team Zombie and author of Zombie Queen of Newbury High, has your be-as-close-as-two-peas-in-a-pod-without-being-dinner plan right here. Follow her advice to getting devoured the right way!

Do you remember what it’s like the first time the cute guy at the coffee shop smiles at you and your stomach goes all flippy? Then you go on date and he does that adorable thing with his eyes and listens to you talk all night, only stopping every now and then to be witty and amusing, and when you tell your girlfriends about it afterward they swear that you are making up since no guy could be like that. And then you get to give them the smug smile because turns out that your guy is like that.

And by the third date you realize just how perfect his hair is (perhaps even more perfect than Zac Efron’s perfect hair) and you start to imagine what it would be like to live with him. But by the fourth date things start to change. Suddenly, instead of looking lovingly into your eyes, he’s sniffing your arm and picking up the ketchup bottle. Or you catch him having more than a nibble of your ear and too late you realize that Mr. Perfect isn’t actually looking for a relationship, he’s just looking for lunch.

Well, fear not because while it is virtually impossible to retrain any male (dead or alive) to put the forks in the correct drawer or hang up a wet towel after they’ve used it, it is in fact completely possible to retrain your zombie boyfriend to stop looking at you like you’re a double cheeseburger. Now, I’m not saying that it will be easy and there are times when you might reconsider dating Mike-the-guy-who-sneezed-every-two-minutes-for-three-hours-straight, but if you follow this process through to the end, I can guarantee that soon the only thing your new zombie boyfriend will be smelling is the perfume that he bought you on that romantic trip to Paris.

So what is the secret to turning your zombie guy around?

Simple. You need to make yourself look about as appetizing as a soggy plate of cabbage. You see, right now you’re dressing up and pulling out all the stops, which is the zombie equivalent of three Michelin stars. I mean literally all that has been missing from your dates is you climbing up onto the table and sitting on a plate. However, if you try the gym-hair, no makeup and the ugly dress that your aunt gave you for Christmas last year, your zombie guy will no longer be distracted by all the trimmings and soon he will be able to sit through an entire conversation without trying to imagine you covered in cheese.

Some women have even found that over time they can start reintroducing basic items back into their lives, like mascara and lip gloss (though please, nothing that smells because otherwise you are back to square one). So I hope that if you’re having zombie problems you will consider this method to help create the future that you and your brain-munching dead guy have always wanted to have.***

*Please be advised that the author of this article is in no way responsible for anyone who does accidentally get eaten while attempting to retrain their zombie boyfriend.

**And that if you do happen to get eaten and are therefore not dating your zombie boyfriend anymore, could you please pass me his number because they’re not lying when they say that there are no decent guys out there anymore.

***Again, very, very sorry if this article has lead to your being consumed by a zombie. Really not my intention at all.

Amanda Ashby has a degree in English and Journalism from the University of Queensland and is married with two children. Her debut book, You Had Me at Halo, was nominated for a Romantic Times Reviewer’s Choice award, and her first young adult book, Zombie Queen of Newbury High, was listed by the New York Public Library’s Stuff for the Teen Age 2010. Her latest release, Fairy Bad Day, has been selected by Voya as one of their Top Shelf Fiction for Middle School Readers 2012.

Want a zombilicious Valentine’s Day? Rachel Federoff, star of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, has all your dos, don’ts and don’t-stops!

13 Feb

Matchmaker and TV star Rachel Federoff dispenses zombie-dating advice.

If Valentine’s day with a human male stresses you out, then welcome to the wonderful, anxiety-ridden world of zombie dating! You don’t know where to go. You don’t know what to do. You haven’t a clue what to wear. Take a deep breath and read Rachel Federoff”s romantic-zombie-date survival guide. She’s the VP of Matching for the Millionaire’s Club, so she knows a thing or two about setting the right mood. Here, her tips for having the most zombtactular Valentine’s Day ever!

Girls, as a matchmaker I’ve noticed a trend in our men acting like, well, to put it bluntly, zombies. So I’ve been brushing up on these brain-eating, grunting, flesh-tearing, slow-moving creatures, and if you’re going to date one, you best do it right. I have the perfect tips for a perfect Valentine’s Day with your putrid and hunky zombie fellow.

Dress to impress and avoid a mess: Time to break out that little black SILK dress because you want him to put down the brains and take notice how smoking hot you look. Why silk? Well, let’s just say this dinner date won’t be a clean one and better to have the blood and brain bits slip and slide right off than spend hundreds at the dry cleaners from suede or linen.

The 2-drink maximum overdrive: On your mark, get set, drive! Girls, your zombie has the coordination of Lindsay Lohan on a good day. So stay sober, as you are the designated driver for this romantic date. Let’s face it—he’s killed enough, and drinking and driving isn’t an option.

Light his fire, not the house: Girls, if you are planning the date and have set up a nice, romantic dinner at home of Brains Parmesan à la candlelight, here’s a tip—ditch the candles! Zombies, well, being brainless, have no concept of fire and therefore will end up burning themselves, you, and the whole neighborhood! Try a nice setup of multicolored glow sticks: Zombies look great when they glow!

Stop and smell the roses: Everyone knows that flowers are a huge hit on Valentine’s Day, and roses, with their glorious scent, are the perfect thing for masking your zombie’s unfortunate perfume of Eau de Rotting Flesh. Take the rose petals and toss them in the car, the house, his body.  Get Hansel and Gretel and trail them everywhere you both go for a wonderful-smelling evening of romance.

Get packing: Now, normally I say single girls should not travel in packs. However, when it comes to caching that oh-so-gore-tastic zombie guy, going out with a girl posse is key. Zombies always travel in herds so best bring your own so you can share with the rest of the class. Just make sure you make eye contact and give him the five-second flirt. If he grunts at you and comes charging, he’s a keeper!

Girls, make sure to follow these tips and you’re sure to have the most romantic, safe and stress-free Valentine’s Day ever. Zombies can be romantic, too. They just need a little nudge every now and then!

Rachel, who has a background in booking and casting, is the VP of Matching and Director of Registration for Millionaire’s Club. As Director of Registration, she holds the “keys” to the club—permitting in those that follow the Club’s strict guidelines.  As VP of Matching, she is the CEO’s right hand in finding love for the company’s clients. Watch Rachel on Bravo’s hit television show The Millionaire Matchmaker, read her blog at SinHalo.com, and follow her @rachelfederoff.