Tag Archives: embarrassment

Zombie-Sex Misconception #8: Zombies can’t find the clitoris

20 Feb

To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this  sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.

The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.

This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.

And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

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Who gets the door?: Zombie-neutral etiquette for the 21st century

4 Sep

Long before the H1Z1 virus turned 99.9999 percent of all men into zombies, the issue of who should open the door for whom was a hot-button topic. Opinions varied widely on the necessity and utility of chivalry in the modern world, and there were as many definitions of what it meant to be a gentleman as there were gentlemen.

Now, of course, the debate is over. Who gets the door? You.

Every. Single. Time.

The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.

But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. The sad truth is, he simply hasn’t thought of it. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.

There is much to miss with the zombification of the male population—sparking wit, spirited conversation, even the well-thought-out zinger in the middle of a heated argument—but the loss of old-fashioned courtesy is not one of them. Don’t think of it as the end of chivalry. Think of it as the end of awkward pauses at the door. Think of it as the end of unintended offense when you competently open the door for yourself. Think of it as the end of scurrying over the threshold under the arm of a man who won’t let you open the door for him. Think of it as the end of gender inequality as we know it.

Still not convinced? That’s all right. The zombpocalypse has been hard on all of us, and we each adapt to this brave new world at our own pace. So if you don’t want to open the door for yourself, don’t. One of your fellow female human beings will be along in a moment or two and I’m sure she’d be happy to do it for you. Because it’s not the door itself that matters; it’s the portal of possibilities it represents.

Fork you! The zombie utensil debate

16 May

To spoon or not to spoon—that is indeed the question. And what a seemingly inconsequential one it is, too. And yet whether or not zombies should be given utensils is one of the most hotly contested issues of the post-human-male era. The reason is hardly surprising, as the question goes to the very heart of what a zombie is: helpmeet or equal, companion or predator, poorly motor skilled animated corpse or deftly coordinated uncomposing human.

Despite the chatter, the only thing that matters is how you feel about the issue. Not sure where you stand? Answer these questions and decide for yourself. Then stick a fork in it! This debate is done.

Do I have the patience to teach my boyzomb how to use utensils?
Forget should zombies use knives and forks. The real question is can they? The short answer is yes. With training and practice, a zombie can master the skills necessary to pick up a piece of brain with a fork. But it takes a lot of training and practice. A zombified human male loses 3.5 percent of its gross motor skills each day and 4.75 percent of its fine motor skills. By the time it’s one year into its zombihood, a typical grown male zombie has merely a fraction of its human coordination. And that’s only its physical decay; mentally, a zombie decays at five times the rate. This means teaching your zombie how to eat with utensils requires a tremendous about of patience and effort on your part. If you decide it’s worth it, stick with it. Studies show that after three years of consistent behavior therapy, a typical zombie can cut with all the accuracy and flare of a 4-year-old.

What do I find embarrassing?
Picture this: You and your boyzomb are at your boss’s house for dinner, and she puts a plate of perfectly prepared brain au jus in front of your beau. What happens next? Does your boyzomb clumsily pokes at his meal with a fork and knife or does his pick it up and start munching? Both options have their risks. At any moment, his knife could fly across the table or a fine stream of brain drizzle can run down his chin. Which one makes you cringe more? If it’s the latter, then run out and get Jennifer Junipers’s international best-seller, Introductory Utensil Skills for Dummies, an indispensible primer on teaching your zombie the basics.

How good are my reflexes?
If you do decided to go the utensil route, be prepared to duck often because knives, forks and spoons will frequently fly out of your zombie’s loose grip and straight at your head. Last year, eight women in the United Provisional Authority died from utensil-instruction-related injuries. Eighty-seven percent of wounds are caused by knives, so you might consider limiting your boyzomb’s repertoire to forks and spoons at first. Introduce the knife only after he has mastered the grapefruit spoon. Another alternative is to eliminate the knife entirely. Just know that in doing so you run the risk of being picketed by zombie-rights groups, who believe that denying zombies the right to a knife is denying them their essential humanity. Wearing headphones and drawing your shades should effectively drown out the protest, which typically last from five to thirteen days.

The Zombie Sex–Bacon Issue

2 May

I know you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, and I know you think you’re the only one it happens to. But trust me, you’re not a freak: 82 percent of women crave bacon after having sex with a zombie, according a recent study by the Zombo-Humalogical Intercourse Intercon Research Group. A postcoital BLT is as common as a cigarette.

The reason is simple—xylem sap. (And now you’re thinking, Xylem wha…? You, my friend, are so predictable!)

Xylem sap is the main ingredient in maple syrup, a staple when it comes to flavoring bacon.  Xylem sap is also a major component in the scent sanitizer with which you regularly dose your zombie. Thanks to the abscisic acid, which binds to the odor molecules in putrified flesh, your fetid honey smells as fresh as a forest on a brisk autumn morning. But when the abscisic acid in your zombie’s scent sanitizer interacts with the chemicals in his erectile-dysfunction medication, the compound takes on a sweet-smoky smell. The result: visions of sizzling bacon dance in your head.

Should you give in to the craving? That question is up to you. Each person is different and there’s no universal right or wrong. Many women consider bacon to be one of the best things on earth, and after a rigorous session with their sweetie, they’ve built up an appetite.

My one piece of advice: If you do succumb, go whole hog. Don’t waste your time, money or calories on turkey substitutes. You might be in a relationship with a rotting corpse, but you’re still too good for second best.

You’ve got male

25 Apr

Congratulations, girl guide! Despite the astronomical odds not in your favor, you’ve managed to track down and unmask an unzombified human male (UHM). He’s standing before you in all his be-jeweled, be-wigged, be-dressed and be-makeuped man glory. Now what do you do?

Rule #1 No sudden movements.
Blenders—UHMs who dress up as women to blend in with their surroundings—are easily spooked. They assume every woman is a heat-seeking missile waiting for the opportunity to home in on their pelvis and touch their groin.

Rule #2 Don’t touch his groin.
Yes, I know the novelty of a fully intact penis is a lure almost too irresistible to withstand but you must. Even though men divested themselves of all responsibility for society, legally, they still have the same inalienable right not to be touched by a stranger as you do. Unauthorized physical contact is considered harassment in most jurisdictions.

Rule #3 Go in for a good look.
Just because you can’t lay on hands doesn’t mean you can’t caress him with your eyes. Go on, lean in closely. The feel of your breath on his neck doesn’t count as assault. Check out his eyes, nose, face, stubble, jaw line, broad shoulders, anything that seems notable or particularly masculine.

Rule #4 Strike up a conversation.
It’s all right. You can ask him anything. What’s his life like? Does he ever get tired of being pampered and cosseted? How does he live with the fact that he’s a drain on society? What’s his favorite color? The vast majority of UHMs will not answer even the most harmless of questions because they fear engaging with the public. But you might get lucky and find one willing to chat. If so, buy him a latte. UHMs like when women buy them things. It makes them feel special.

Rule #5 Share the love.  
Don’t be shy about your discovery. Tell everyone you know about it. For many women, unzombified human males are more myth than reality, and seeing an actual man in a familiar environment can help affirm their existence. (Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And, no, his skin isn’t molted purple. Yet.) Snap a picture with your phone and send it to your friends and family with the caption: “Look what I found!” Even better, submit it to the New York Post‘s Man Candy Monday contest and win 100 bucks. An unzombified human male and mad money? Best. Day. Ever.

Spa package: Take home the perfect zombie boyfriend

29 Feb

Zombies! They’re still a dime a dozen, but you’ve yet to meet one that qualifies as boyfriend material. If all the zombies you know are too zombiacious, then our first two methods—culling the herd and hitting the slaughterhouse—probably aren’t for you. You need something a little more sophisticated. Method 3 provides sophistication (as well as domestication!) in spades. But you have to be willing to put up with a little pampering. Think you can handle it? Great. Check in to the resort spa of love.

Method 3: Spending a day at the spa

Best suited for:

  • Women with no time to spare
  • Women who like luxury
  • Women who want a low-maintenance relationship
  • Women with large disposable incomes

What it entails: Spending a day at the spa is exactly what it sounds like: You check into a high-end spa in the morning and spend the day being coddled and pampered while the staff presents a series of zombies for your inspection based on a detailed questionnaire you filled in while getting a pedicure.

The advantages: The advantages to a spa zombie are almost impossible to calculate. A zombie from a spa is fully domesticated, which means you get a perfectly groomed specimen whose skin is soft and firm from daily elasticity treatments. He smells as fresh as a daisy and comes with a firmly established drug regimen. All spa zombies are vetted by the spa staff and are trained in comportment. They eat only the highest-quality brains and retain all their limbs and digits.

Biannual checkups are included in all spa packages, as is a month’s supply of all creams, sprays and injections.

A spa zombie requires no effort on your part. You walk in single; you walk out with the perfect boyzomb.

The disadvantages: There only disadvantage to a spa zombie is expense. Prices start at $1,000 and increase incrementally depending on what services you require.

Conclusion: Going the spa route is a simple, high-end, luxurious, no-fuss way to meet a zombie—and what a zombie you’ll meet! Busy career women with no time to spare will delight in the ease and splendor of the experience: They leave with softer, younger skin; perfectly manicured nails; and a boyzomb. Now, that’s what you call one-stop shopping!

Want a zombilicious Valentine’s Day? Rachel Federoff, star of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, has all your dos, don’ts and don’t-stops!

13 Feb

Matchmaker and TV star Rachel Federoff dispenses zombie-dating advice.

If Valentine’s day with a human male stresses you out, then welcome to the wonderful, anxiety-ridden world of zombie dating! You don’t know where to go. You don’t know what to do. You haven’t a clue what to wear. Take a deep breath and read Rachel Federoff”s romantic-zombie-date survival guide. She’s the VP of Matching for the Millionaire’s Club, so she knows a thing or two about setting the right mood. Here, her tips for having the most zombtactular Valentine’s Day ever!

Girls, as a matchmaker I’ve noticed a trend in our men acting like, well, to put it bluntly, zombies. So I’ve been brushing up on these brain-eating, grunting, flesh-tearing, slow-moving creatures, and if you’re going to date one, you best do it right. I have the perfect tips for a perfect Valentine’s Day with your putrid and hunky zombie fellow.

Dress to impress and avoid a mess: Time to break out that little black SILK dress because you want him to put down the brains and take notice how smoking hot you look. Why silk? Well, let’s just say this dinner date won’t be a clean one and better to have the blood and brain bits slip and slide right off than spend hundreds at the dry cleaners from suede or linen.

The 2-drink maximum overdrive: On your mark, get set, drive! Girls, your zombie has the coordination of Lindsay Lohan on a good day. So stay sober, as you are the designated driver for this romantic date. Let’s face it—he’s killed enough, and drinking and driving isn’t an option.

Light his fire, not the house: Girls, if you are planning the date and have set up a nice, romantic dinner at home of Brains Parmesan à la candlelight, here’s a tip—ditch the candles! Zombies, well, being brainless, have no concept of fire and therefore will end up burning themselves, you, and the whole neighborhood! Try a nice setup of multicolored glow sticks: Zombies look great when they glow!

Stop and smell the roses: Everyone knows that flowers are a huge hit on Valentine’s Day, and roses, with their glorious scent, are the perfect thing for masking your zombie’s unfortunate perfume of Eau de Rotting Flesh. Take the rose petals and toss them in the car, the house, his body.  Get Hansel and Gretel and trail them everywhere you both go for a wonderful-smelling evening of romance.

Get packing: Now, normally I say single girls should not travel in packs. However, when it comes to caching that oh-so-gore-tastic zombie guy, going out with a girl posse is key. Zombies always travel in herds so best bring your own so you can share with the rest of the class. Just make sure you make eye contact and give him the five-second flirt. If he grunts at you and comes charging, he’s a keeper!

Girls, make sure to follow these tips and you’re sure to have the most romantic, safe and stress-free Valentine’s Day ever. Zombies can be romantic, too. They just need a little nudge every now and then!

Rachel, who has a background in booking and casting, is the VP of Matching and Director of Registration for Millionaire’s Club. As Director of Registration, she holds the “keys” to the club—permitting in those that follow the Club’s strict guidelines.  As VP of Matching, she is the CEO’s right hand in finding love for the company’s clients. Watch Rachel on Bravo’s hit television show The Millionaire Matchmaker, read her blog at SinHalo.com, and follow her @rachelfederoff.