Tag Archives: erectile dysfunction

The Zombie Sex–Bacon Issue

2 May

I know you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, and I know you think you’re the only one it happens to. But trust me, you’re not a freak: 82 percent of women crave bacon after having sex with a zombie, according a recent study by the Zombo-Humalogical Intercourse Intercon Research Group. A postcoital BLT is as common as a cigarette.

The reason is simple—xylem sap. (And now you’re thinking, Xylem wha…? You, my friend, are so predictable!)

Xylem sap is the main ingredient in maple syrup, a staple when it comes to flavoring bacon.  Xylem sap is also a major component in the scent sanitizer with which you regularly dose your zombie. Thanks to the abscisic acid, which binds to the odor molecules in putrified flesh, your fetid honey smells as fresh as a forest on a brisk autumn morning. But when the abscisic acid in your zombie’s scent sanitizer interacts with the chemicals in his erectile-dysfunction medication, the compound takes on a sweet-smoky smell. The result: visions of sizzling bacon dance in your head.

Should you give in to the craving? That question is up to you. Each person is different and there’s no universal right or wrong. Many women consider bacon to be one of the best things on earth, and after a rigorous session with their sweetie, they’ve built up an appetite.

My one piece of advice: If you do succumb, go whole hog. Don’t waste your time, money or calories on turkey substitutes. You might be in a relationship with a rotting corpse, but you’re still too good for second best.

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Zombie sex misconception #5: Zombies don’t have sex drives

27 Feb

Although the zombie sex drive seems like a recent invention, it has in fact been present in every species of zombie since time immemorial. Zombies, despite their demonlike appetites, are members of the natural world, and every living thing in the natural world has a sex drive. We did not see evidence of it in the three previous zombie outbreaks—the plagues of 1867, 1910 and 1964—because it was overpowered by the zombies’ hunger drive. The two drives coexist, but when the desire for flesh is stronger than the desire for “flesh,” the latter appears not to exist at all.

By controlling the variant Y zombie’s hunger drive, zombaceuticals have freed up his sex drive. So zombies want sex. A lot.

The desire for sex, however, is not always accompanied by the ability to have sex, and in this zombies need a little help. Based on the late-twentieth-century treatment model for erectile dysfunction, drugs like Zombiagra and Zombialis can create a sustained erection for approximately four hours.

Many critics point to the need for drugs as proof that zombies shouldn’t have sex. But history refutes this theory. According to a 1998 study, 5 percent of forty-year-old human males and 15 to 25 percent of sixty-five-year-old human males were unable to—in the vernacular of the time—get it up. Finding a medical solution to their physical problem was hailed as breakthrough. No less can be said for the zombies’ affliction.