Tag Archives: ewww

Zombie-Sex Misconception #8: Zombies can’t find the clitoris

20 Feb

To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this  sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.

The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.

This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.

And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

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The Zombie Sex–Bacon Issue

2 May

I know you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, and I know you think you’re the only one it happens to. But trust me, you’re not a freak: 82 percent of women crave bacon after having sex with a zombie, according a recent study by the Zombo-Humalogical Intercourse Intercon Research Group. A postcoital BLT is as common as a cigarette.

The reason is simple—xylem sap. (And now you’re thinking, Xylem wha…? You, my friend, are so predictable!)

Xylem sap is the main ingredient in maple syrup, a staple when it comes to flavoring bacon.  Xylem sap is also a major component in the scent sanitizer with which you regularly dose your zombie. Thanks to the abscisic acid, which binds to the odor molecules in putrified flesh, your fetid honey smells as fresh as a forest on a brisk autumn morning. But when the abscisic acid in your zombie’s scent sanitizer interacts with the chemicals in his erectile-dysfunction medication, the compound takes on a sweet-smoky smell. The result: visions of sizzling bacon dance in your head.

Should you give in to the craving? That question is up to you. Each person is different and there’s no universal right or wrong. Many women consider bacon to be one of the best things on earth, and after a rigorous session with their sweetie, they’ve built up an appetite.

My one piece of advice: If you do succumb, go whole hog. Don’t waste your time, money or calories on turkey substitutes. You might be in a relationship with a rotting corpse, but you’re still too good for second best.

Maggot infestations. Bursting body cavities. Bad breath. Andy Warner tells his fellow zombies to clean up their act if they want a second date.

17 Feb

If it sometimes feels like you’re doing all the work in your zombie relationship, take heart. Not all undead are willing to coast on their corpse-y charm. Andy Warner, the hero of Breathers, by S.G. Browne, reminds his follow zombies that appearance is important—just because you’re dead is no reason to let yourself go. Read this to-do list to your zombie boyfriend. If he doesn’t eat the paper, then he might be ready to take your relationship to the next level.

I’m Andy Warner, the protagonist and hero of the dark romantic zombie comedy Breathers, written by S.G. Browne, here to give a few helpful dating tips to my fellow zombies. Or as we refer to ourselves in therapy: the living-challenged.

When you’re a gradually decomposing reanimated corpse, you have to expect to deal with certain challenges—like the smell of hydrogen sulfide and the oozing of intestinal juices and the occasional skin slip. It’s just part of being a zombie. But there are a few things you can do to improve your general hygiene that will help to keep your date from gagging or dry-heaving before the appetizers arrive.

1. Rather than relying on deodorants or neutralizing fragrances to mask the odor of decomposing flesh, I suggest soaking in a Pine-Sol bath. It penetrates the skin and lasts longer and will do wonders for your self-confidence.

2. If you have zombie breath, which, admittedly, most zombies do, try gargling with Lysol disinfectant. Simple Green is good, too. And it tastes minty fresh. Either one works. And they’re both wonderful at preventing pesky maggot infestations.

3. Spontaneous dismemberment happens. While there’s nothing you can do to prevent it, how you deal with it can make or break an evening. So rather than getting upset that your ear has fallen off and landed in your soup, make a joke about it. Women love a sense of humor.

4. Finally, even if you get regular formaldehyde fixes, at some point it’s likely that one of your main body cavities is going to burst open. So a good rule of thumb is to wear Depends. This can help you to avoid an otherwise embarrassing situation and improve your chances of scoring a second date.

If you take the time to take care of yourself, you’ll eventually find that special someone who appreciates you for who you are. So I hope these dating hints are helpful to all of my living-challenged friends out there.

One final word of advice for any Breathers who might be reading this: When you’re out on a date with a zombie, much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mustard on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper etiquette to let a zombie know if his nose is sliding off his face.

S.G. Browne is the author of Breathers and  Fated, an irreverent comedy about fate, destiny, and the consequences of getting involved in the lives of humans. His new book, Lucky Bastard, drops on April 17.

Zombie boyfriend away and you wanna play? Anka Radakovich has your sex toys.

15 Feb

Sexpert Anka Radakovich discusses zombie sex toys.

If your zombie boyfriend is away on business—lumbering after deer on Fire Island, say, with several of his closest undead buddies—or off his meds, you might need a backup plan to take care of your…needs. Never fear. Anka Radakovich, world-famous sex columnist and writer for British GQ, has emergency provisions that will keep you satisfied. 

The perfect sex toys for zombies and the people who date them have arrived!

From its Freaks collection, the Fleshlight Company offers his ‘n’ her sex toys for nights of “necro-feel-ya.” The nasty-looking gray  Zombie Dildo is for the ladies, and the Zombie Fleshlight is the favorite sex toy of zombie males. The fake vagina-in-a-can will suck the life out of him.

The company claims their “cock of the living dead” is made with “the highest-quality, platinum-cured silicone.” The zombie dick is great as a gift to yourself when your zombie is out of town, or to use in case your zombie can’t get it up.

According to Fleshlight, “The zombie wants your brains and the only way to get them is to f**k them out of you!” Dead or alive, the Fleshlight zombie dong has a constant erection.

Columnist, author and screenwriter, Anka Radakovich defined the modern-day sex column with her wildly popular column for Details magazine, which she wrote for nine years. Her hilarious take on sex, dating and relationships, created a devoted following. Currently, she writes a column for British GQ and is finishing her third book. Follow her on twitter @ankarad.

Zombie sex misconception #4: Zombies lose arms and legs all the time.

9 Feb

Once upon a time, zombies were a walking junkyard of littered limbs and scattered digits, but the new generation of zombaceuticals successfully halts the breakdown of ligament fibers, the number one cause of limb discharge. Limb retention is almost at a staggering 75 percent, which means most domesticated zombies have the vast majority of their limbs.

And don’t worry: Recent studies show that sex is neither more likely nor less likely to cause a limb mishap, disproving earlier theories that the rigors of intercourse are too much for their fragile frames.

Despite great advances in science, zombies still tend to lose their fingers and toes at an alarming rate and any discussion about zombies and sex would be remiss to not mention it. If a zombie loses a finger or toe during intercourse, stop what you’re doing immediately and fetch your zombie repair kit. Sew the digit back into place, wait ten minutes and resume previous activity.

Odds are, it’ll never happen to you, but it’s smart to be prepared, so make sure to keep your zombie repair kit up to date. Better safe than sorry.

Brainiac: a smart woman’s guide to buying brains

14 Dec

It’s hard to hit the brain aisle of the local supermarket without having your mind blown. There are so many choices: fried chicken brains, sautéed cow-brain medallions au poivre, Mama Mamamino’s brain ravioli in red or white sauce, boiled octobrains with hollandaise, filet de porc du cerveau, Funfoods Happy Treats Brain Freeze frozen pops in twelve great species, and so on and so on.

There are as many options for feeding zombies as there are for dating them.

It’s little wonder that 56 percent of women cite supplying food for their beau as the number two reason why they don’t want to date a zombie. (The number one reason? Sex. But you already knew that. Wink.)

The trick to buying dinner for your boyzomb is reminding yourself that zombies don’t have sophisticated palates. They can’t detect an insouciant hint of lemon. In fact, they can’t detect anything at all. Thirty-six hours after initial zombification, the taste buds start to break down. Seventy-two hours later, the human taste mechanism ceases to exist.

A study by researchers at the University of Wisconsin at Madison confirms this deficiency. In a blind taste test, zombies showed no preference for prepared brains over unprepared brains. “Zombie’s don’t care about taste, texture or smell,” says study author Jasmine Courtland, Ph.D., professor of applied zombie psychology. “They will eat any speck of brain you put in front of them. The only time they won’t eat something is when it’s not brains. We tried substituting spaghetti, pumpkin and kidney beans but they literally didn’t bite.”

Courtland advises women to save their money and buy the simplest, plainest, rawest, cheapest brain product they can find. “Sure, we’d all like to think that the zombie we’re dating isn’t so primeval as to suck the gray matter right out of the skull of a still-breathing animal. But the truth is, these are wild creatures that live solely by compulsion. They weren’t made to wait thirty minutes while a French chef sous-vides the cerebral cortex.”

And where can you find the simplest, plainest, rawest, cheapest brain product at the supermarket? “Well, that’s a bit of a challenge,” Courtland concedes. “Gourmet brain cuisine is big business, so managers tend to hide the cheap stuff. It’s usually in the back under  Mrs. Yummikin’s Prepackaged Preseasoned Cat’s Brains.”

You’ll probably have to shift around a few boxes to find the good stuff, but savvy shoppers know it’s worth the extra effort. With all the money you save, you can treat yourself to a mani-pedi. Or a dozen.

Zombie sex misconception #3: zombies are squidgy

1 Dec

OK, so you’ve gotten over the ewww and you’ve overcome the stink, but, you say, there’s still the squidge. Zombies are squidgy. They have gooshy, dampish and unpleasantly yielding skin.

You don’t want to feel that pressed up against you.

Squidginess might have been an issue with previous generations of zombies (although a recent article in The Daily Scoopage posits that this so-called pliancy problem was part of a global smear campaign orchestrated by vampire lovers), but it’s absolutely not a factor for the current crop. Modern medicine ensures that the well-cared-for zombie has the epidermis of a healthy forty-five-year-old. Apply regular firming treatments and your boyzomb will permanently retain the semisoft suppleness of early middle age forever. Banish thoughts of soggy bacon forever!