Tag Archives: food

Zombies make whoopie

29 Nov
Here at the Girls’ Guide, we know what really makes the world go round: love…of yummy sweet treats. Sure, canoodling with your sweetheart is pretty swell, too, but nothing beats a warm-from-the-oven whoopee pie.
So to kick off this holiday season, we’re offering Girl Guides (and Boy Guides, if we happen to find any under the Christmas tree) a free whoopie pie with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. There’s no better way to relax and reenergize than with a One Girl Cookies whoopie pie. See you there!
WHAT: Free whoopie pie with purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies.
WHERE: One of two One Girl Cookies locations in Brooklyn: Dumbo (33 Main Street at the corner of Water Street) and Cobble Hill (64 Dean Street between Smith Street and Boerum Place)
WHEN: Friday, November 30th through Sunday, December 2nd
WHY: Because One Girl Cookies whoopie pies totally rock! Even Martha Stewart called them “a flavorful and crowd-pleasing party treat.”
HOW: Present a valid receipt for The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies; printed receipts and digital receipts displayed on a laptop, tablet or smartphone will be accepted. The offer is limited to one whoopie pie per receipt and is available while supplies last.

Summer loving with the living dead

14 Aug

Summer doesn’t have to be a bummer just because your main squeeze gets extra squishy in the heat. We’ve got your fun-in-the-sun survival tips right here.

1. Lay it on thick. Increased temperatures mean increased decay, so be sure to apply two or three extra doses of skin-firming cream to your boyzomb each day. The patented hydrolipids will keep what remains of his skin  supple, not slippery.

2. Keep the home fires burning. Summertime means hamburgers and hot dogs cooked on the grill, but nothing draws a zombie to his doom faster than the hypnotizing flicker of an open flame. So play it safe and bring your barbecue indoors. Prepare hot dogs in the microwave and hamburgers on the stove top. As soon as everything is cooked, bring it outside and have a romantic picnic by flashlight. Worried about mosquitoes and other nippy pests? Don’t be. The oil in your boyzomb’s decaying skin is the best bug repellent ever invented.

3. Give the beach a wide berth. If you thought getting sand out of your bathing suit was difficult, just wait until you try to get it out of the folds of your zombie boyfriend’s skin. The phrase stuck on you will take on a whole new meaning. If you’re craving the wet, check out the pool at your local country club. You’ll avoid the sand trap, and the chlorine in the water will give your zombie a healthy green glow. Plus, you can get french fries delivered poolside. Nothing says postapocalyptic bliss like eating greasy fries while your zombie boyfriend does cannonballs. Heaven!

Fork you! The zombie utensil debate

16 May

To spoon or not to spoon—that is indeed the question. And what a seemingly inconsequential one it is, too. And yet whether or not zombies should be given utensils is one of the most hotly contested issues of the post-human-male era. The reason is hardly surprising, as the question goes to the very heart of what a zombie is: helpmeet or equal, companion or predator, poorly motor skilled animated corpse or deftly coordinated uncomposing human.

Despite the chatter, the only thing that matters is how you feel about the issue. Not sure where you stand? Answer these questions and decide for yourself. Then stick a fork in it! This debate is done.

Do I have the patience to teach my boyzomb how to use utensils?
Forget should zombies use knives and forks. The real question is can they? The short answer is yes. With training and practice, a zombie can master the skills necessary to pick up a piece of brain with a fork. But it takes a lot of training and practice. A zombified human male loses 3.5 percent of its gross motor skills each day and 4.75 percent of its fine motor skills. By the time it’s one year into its zombihood, a typical grown male zombie has merely a fraction of its human coordination. And that’s only its physical decay; mentally, a zombie decays at five times the rate. This means teaching your zombie how to eat with utensils requires a tremendous about of patience and effort on your part. If you decide it’s worth it, stick with it. Studies show that after three years of consistent behavior therapy, a typical zombie can cut with all the accuracy and flare of a 4-year-old.

What do I find embarrassing?
Picture this: You and your boyzomb are at your boss’s house for dinner, and she puts a plate of perfectly prepared brain au jus in front of your beau. What happens next? Does your boyzomb clumsily pokes at his meal with a fork and knife or does his pick it up and start munching? Both options have their risks. At any moment, his knife could fly across the table or a fine stream of brain drizzle can run down his chin. Which one makes you cringe more? If it’s the latter, then run out and get Jennifer Junipers’s international best-seller, Introductory Utensil Skills for Dummies, an indispensible primer on teaching your zombie the basics.

How good are my reflexes?
If you do decided to go the utensil route, be prepared to duck often because knives, forks and spoons will frequently fly out of your zombie’s loose grip and straight at your head. Last year, eight women in the United Provisional Authority died from utensil-instruction-related injuries. Eighty-seven percent of wounds are caused by knives, so you might consider limiting your boyzomb’s repertoire to forks and spoons at first. Introduce the knife only after he has mastered the grapefruit spoon. Another alternative is to eliminate the knife entirely. Just know that in doing so you run the risk of being picketed by zombie-rights groups, who believe that denying zombies the right to a knife is denying them their essential humanity. Wearing headphones and drawing your shades should effectively drown out the protest, which typically last from five to thirteen days.

Brainiac: a smart woman’s guide to buying brains

14 Dec

It’s hard to hit the brain aisle of the local supermarket without having your mind blown. There are so many choices: fried chicken brains, sautéed cow-brain medallions au poivre, Mama Mamamino’s brain ravioli in red or white sauce, boiled octobrains with hollandaise, filet de porc du cerveau, Funfoods Happy Treats Brain Freeze frozen pops in twelve great species, and so on and so on.

There are as many options for feeding zombies as there are for dating them.

It’s little wonder that 56 percent of women cite supplying food for their beau as the number two reason why they don’t want to date a zombie. (The number one reason? Sex. But you already knew that. Wink.)

The trick to buying dinner for your boyzomb is reminding yourself that zombies don’t have sophisticated palates. They can’t detect an insouciant hint of lemon. In fact, they can’t detect anything at all. Thirty-six hours after initial zombification, the taste buds start to break down. Seventy-two hours later, the human taste mechanism ceases to exist.

A study by researchers at the University of Wisconsin at Madison confirms this deficiency. In a blind taste test, zombies showed no preference for prepared brains over unprepared brains. “Zombie’s don’t care about taste, texture or smell,” says study author Jasmine Courtland, Ph.D., professor of applied zombie psychology. “They will eat any speck of brain you put in front of them. The only time they won’t eat something is when it’s not brains. We tried substituting spaghetti, pumpkin and kidney beans but they literally didn’t bite.”

Courtland advises women to save their money and buy the simplest, plainest, rawest, cheapest brain product they can find. “Sure, we’d all like to think that the zombie we’re dating isn’t so primeval as to suck the gray matter right out of the skull of a still-breathing animal. But the truth is, these are wild creatures that live solely by compulsion. They weren’t made to wait thirty minutes while a French chef sous-vides the cerebral cortex.”

And where can you find the simplest, plainest, rawest, cheapest brain product at the supermarket? “Well, that’s a bit of a challenge,” Courtland concedes. “Gourmet brain cuisine is big business, so managers tend to hide the cheap stuff. It’s usually in the back under  Mrs. Yummikin’s Prepackaged Preseasoned Cat’s Brains.”

You’ll probably have to shift around a few boxes to find the good stuff, but savvy shoppers know it’s worth the extra effort. With all the money you save, you can treat yourself to a mani-pedi. Or a dozen.