Tag Archives: fun

Winterize your zombie

13 Feb

As snow continues to blanket the Northeast on a seemingly daily basis, I thought it was time to remind my fellow Girl Guides of a few seasonal rules. Most people think that zombies are inured to the cold because they are non-blooded creatures. The sad truth is, the lack of a heartbeat is often accompanied by a lack of sense! When was the last time your boyzomb realized his hand had frozen off? Exactly.

Follow these simple rules for a happy, safe and fun winter. 

Shed the sled. Few things compare with the exhilarating feeling of flying down a hill with the wind in your hair and your honey’s arms around your waist. But think twice before indulging in this cold-air thrill. A zombie’s permanent state of decay means a seemingly harmless tumble on a Flexible Flyer can result in an inconvenient amputation or disfiguring scar (aw, but you’ll love him anyway!). Even light boogie boards pose a risk: The rope used to pull it up the hill has been known to cause unexpected decapitations when not handled proper (i.e., by you).

Flee the skies. To be fair, skies are a lot less harmful to your rottie hottie than a sled. ZombSports’ new hip boots made of space-age polymers provide the extra support your zombie needs to balance on two skies. But space-age polymers can’t get you to the top of the mountain, and neither can your zombie. Remember your first time getting on the chairlift or—gasp of humiliation!—the T-bar? Remember that flop of shame? That’s your zombie every single time. Instead, cozy up in the lodge for hot chocolate and some quality canoodling.

Pummel the shovel. Just how much shoveling fun your boyzomb has depends on your goal. If you want your sidewalk to be cleared of snow and safe for people to pass, then you might want to expend a little elbow grease yourself. However, if your goal is to spread as much snow as possible on your neighbor’s walk and passing pedestrians, then your zombie boyfriend is ready, willing and able (yes, able!) to serve. There are few things zombies love more than moving snow around with a shovel and they can do it with surprising dexterity. Just don’t expect precision. A zombie doesn’t so much clear the sidewalk as make an absolute mess of it. Still, fun is fun, even if it isn’t clean!

And while you’re keeping warm this winter, don’t forget to snuggle up with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love!

Available from Shebooks for $2.99.

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Zomba Zumba is here!

1 May

Hey, girl guides, does your workout need a shakeup? Have all your Downward Dogs become Downer Dogs? Your jumping jacks turned into jumping lacks? Pilates no more! A hot, new fitness craze is coming to a gym near you. Zomba Zumba is spreading faster than the H1Z1 virus itself.

And with good reason! This supercharged workout combines the cardio bennies of aerobics with the sleek-muscle-building addies of strength training. You get it all in one fun, energetic class.

“Let’s face it, zombies are total depressors,” says Zomba Zumba creator Olive Leandor, 23. “I mean, like, how can anyone keep their life energy up when zombies are around dropping limbs and losing eyeballs. They’re the second law of thermodynamics, like, right there in your face. Everything goes to crap, our bodies especially. Zombies are, like, a sneak peek of what happens when you turn 30.”

But zombies aren’t only decay; they’re inspiration, too—at least for Leander. “Watching my boyzomb lumber up the steps to my apartment, I realized rot creates resistance. And we all know resistance is core to maintaining your core. So I created Zomba Zumba to maximize, like, the zombie’s natural advantages.”

Not sure Zomba Zumba is right for you? Check out the deets!

What: A one-hour workout that incorporates a zombie’s natural resistance with hip-hop, soca, samba, salsa, guacamole, merengue, ferengi, mambo, ju jitsu, tae kwon do, cro-magnon, belly dancing and Civil War reenactment to torch calories and sculpt lean muscle

You’ll need: An open mind, a willing spirit and a 10- to 20-pound BodyRotLove BodySuit™ with enough FreshMeat refills for a month. (For maximum results, store at room temperature.) The biometric breakthrough of the BodyRotLove BodySuit is the more the FreshMeat decays, the heavier the suit gets. By Sunday, you’re working with twice the resistance as Monday. How’s that for upping the effort?!

How: Put on your BodyRot suit and show up for class. It’s that simple. (Be sure to don your suit after you get to the gym, as BodyLove Incorporated is not responsible for any accidents that may happen while wearing BodyLove gear or accessories.)

Who: Each Zomba Zumba class is led by a licensed instructor trained in dance, aerobics and meat processing.

Where: A gym near you

Next up: Zomba Zumba for Zombies. “Being dead is no excuse to let yourself go,” says Leandor of her ambitious plan to get zombies out on the workout floor. “People say things like, ‘Hello, they’re corpses. There’s no benefit to their working out.’ But, like, it’s the same with old people and we still encourage them to get up and move. Exercise helps everyone, even, like the people it doesn’t help.”

What are you waiting for?

The birthday double whammy: two gifts, one perfect package

27 Apr

Let the older generation lament the loss of mankind. Sure, there’s a lot to miss—your fella picking up the tab or fixing a leaky sink—but who pines for the wildly-off-the-mark birthday present, an annual feature of most healthy heterosexual relationships at the latter end of the twentieth century? You know what I’m talking about. One year your dad bought your mom sponges or a vacuum or a jeweled pin that looked like a fly that had been run over by a sixteen-wheeler. The next year, he gave up completely and had his admin pick something up. Worse, he had his admin send a dozen long-stemmed red roses—a lovely romantic gesture, but your mom’s favorite flowers are lilies, which he should have known.

But lucky you dates a zombies so you don’t have unrealistic expectations of the perfect gift. In fact, you have no expectations of a gift at all. Zombies can’t shop: Their fine motor skills are insufficiently developed to let them handle merchandise, let alone sign a credit card receipt. And even if they could read a price tag, they don’t have a clue what a birthday present is or why they should give you one. (Most times, they’re not even sure who you are. But that’s another post.)

This is great for you because it means you can buy your own gift—and you know exactly what you’d like. In the olden days, you had to drop mega-hints and hope for the best. Some women, having given up completely, would get the gift themselves, give it to their husband to wrap, then feign surprise upon opening it.

Zombies don’t play that game. Zombies don’t play any games, which is why they might just be the world’s best boyfriend.

Still not convinced? Here’s the bonus round: When it’s his birthday, you don’t have to stress over finding the perfect thing for him. Simply get him a box of Mrs. Yummikin’s Preseasoned Cat Brains. It’s what you would have given him for dinner anyway, so you know his rotted zombie soul will love it. Better than that, it’s the sort of practical gift his human self would have given you—an item you needed anyway topped with a pretty bow.

And there it is—two gifts in one! Vive le zombie romance.

Why do you think zombies make better boyfriends? Pick a reason. Send a postcard!

18 Feb

Here at The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies, we’re all about looking on the bright side of things. So what if the zombie apocalypse turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies?! Zombies aren’t all bad. Below, our top 5 reasons zombies make better boyfriends. Pick your favorite and send it with a note (“And you thought John grunted a lot!”) to your pals. Simply follow the Greeting Card link.

Reason #5 No quibbling over clothes! Your zombie boyfriend will let you dress him any way you want. His sense of style is your sense of style. Bow tie? Yes, please. Waistcoat? Double-breasted preferred. Bolero? Bring it on!

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Reason #4 Sociability! Your zombie boyfriend will get along great with all your friends. He’ll never make an obnoxious comment about Sadie’s pretentious dinner parties or Catherine’s appallingly bad fake British accent.

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Reason #3 Shoe shopping! Your zombie boyfriend loves shopping for shoes and will cheerfully spend hours in a chair watching you try on pair after pair. Torn between the red pumps and the pink heels? Let your boyzomb decide! His taste is impeccable. Best of all: He won’t notice price, let alone grunt with disapproval when those sexy slides set you back half a mortgage payment.

Reason #2 Total career support! Your zombie boyfriend won’t feel threatened by your job or how much money you make—he doesn’t even know what money is! Moreover, he won’t complain if you cancel plans because you have to work late. He’ll support your career 110 percent and will never require you to compromise it for the good of your relationship.

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Reason #1 Complete devotion! Your zombie boyfriend won’t wince at the wordcommitment or leave you wondering if he’ll call. Dating a zombie means no more mind games, no more sitting by the phone, no more will-he-or-won’t-he conversations, no more ugly scenes at your cousin Judy’s wedding, no more drama. Your days of obsessing over your boyfriend’s every word and action are behind you. Rejoice!

Have your own reason why zombies make better boyfriends? Great! We’d love to hear it. Leave it in the comment box, and our illustrator will create an amazing image for it. Then we’ll add it to the e-card options, so others can see it and send it to their friends.

What are you waiting for? Get sending!

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Slaughterhouse jive: Find love at the local abattoir with these easy steps

6 Dec

Zombies! They’re still everywhere and yet you still can’t figure out how to meet one! Don’t worry. If the first method, culling the herd, wasn’t for you—and don’t blame yourself: Most women can’t bear the thought of braving the wilds of suburbia!—maybe method number two is. This method entails visiting a slaughterhouse and having cocktails with your friends. Interested? Read on.

METHOD 2: VISITING THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Best suited for:

  • Women with a can-do spirit who don’t want to do too much
  • Women who are budget-conscious but not budget-constrained
  • Women with a moderate amount of spare time
  • Women with an adventurous sense of fun

What is entails: Given how naturally drawn to slaughterhouses zombies are, it was only a matter of time before these meat facilities became meet facilities. Enterprising owners, noticing the swarm of women around the swarm of zombies, added dance floors and bars to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. To find your honey at a slaughterhouse, simply put on your best duds and head down to the nearest hotspot (check local listings).

The advantages: Visiting the slaughterhouse is an easy, low-risk way to meet a potential boyzomb. You can show up whenever you want and check out the stock with little effort or emotional investment. Don’t see anything you like? Leave and come back another day. Shy about going alone? No problem. Take along your best pal or your posse and turn it into a girls’ night out. Order drinks, nibble on light fare and catch up with your GFs before looking for BZs. The evening doesn’t have to be all about finding a zombie.

The other advantage to a slaughterhouse zombie is he’s already on the road to domestication. All zombies living within city limits are on state-mandated appetite suppressants, so his desire to feed constantly is under control. You simply have to augment the regimen with limb-retention supplements, firming creams and odor neutralizers.

The disadvantages: Slaughterhouses are not free, most requiring a cover charge and two-drink minimum. A typical evening can run you fifty to sixty dollars. Some places offer better value than others. The Green Mosquito on Gansevoort in New York City, for example, has a VIP lounge, karaoke rooms and a comedy club where bands also perform on the weekends.

Another drawback is the popularity of such joints means the competition to meet zombies is fierce. Don’t expect to make a love connection simply by showing up. At a slaughterhouse, you have to assert yourself. Keep it polite—remember, we’re still ladies—but don’t defer to anyone. If you see something you like, go after it. Otherwise, all you will have at the end of the evening is lots of regret and a large bar tab.

Lastly, at the slaughterhouse, you won’t get a perfectly groomed specimen. City zombies live easier lives than roamers in the burbs, but they’re still rough around the edges. Limb retention is good but not one hundred percent, so expect a missing arm, leg or nose here and there. Likewise, the worst of their odor should be tempered by slaughterhouse-administered perfume dust, but their smell can still make you queasy. Be prepared for a long de-scent-ization process.

Conclusion: Visiting a slaughterhouse is the perfect method for the career girl who wants a boyzomb but is wary of commitment. She’s not afraid to have fun and nourishes strong personal connections with her friends. A little effort doesn’t scare her, but she’s not in it for a long haul. A shortcut or two is just fine with her!