Tag Archives: girls guide

Free Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies condoms!

13 Feb

Girls Guide Condoms croppedWe know. We know. The last thing a Girl Guide like you needs in her zombie-dating surival kit is a condom. Needle and thread for unexpected limb loss? Oh, yeah. Freeze-dried cat brains to ward off attacks on your neighbor’s dog? A must. But condoms? Sex with a zombie is 100 percent risk-free—no muss, no fuss and, if you’re having a particularly good day, no detatched digits. (And if you aren’t, you have your handy sewing kit at the ready!)

We’re totally on your page, so we know you’ll get a kick out of these post-human-male-intercourse-era condoms. Use them as coasters, Christmas Tree decorations or bookmarks. Unwrap a few, blow them up amd play zombie-condom-balloon dodge ball. The possibilities are endless.

But don’t let the irony fool you. These condoms are FDA-approved and entirely functional. Plus, they’re good until June 2016—which gives you plenty of time to invent a cure for zombism, administer it and wait for the zombie of your dreams to turn back into a human male.

Intrigued? Hooked? Unable to take another breath without sporting a zombie-condom pin on your lapel right this very minute? No worries. This hot new fashion accessory and relic of a bygone age can be yours with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Buy a copy anytime from February 13 to February 20 and send the receipt to ZombieDatingCentral
@gmail.com and we’ll drop a condom in the mail to you.
It’s that easy. Want a matching pair of condoms to wear as earrings? Buy two books. Want to make a belt? Buy two dozen. Whatever works for you.

So go buy a book now and send us the receipt. Condom-distribution experts are standing by!

Offer good while supplies last, so act now.

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Zombie Dating Central is standing by!

28 Feb

Here at the Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies, we know it’s never easy to sustain a healthy relationship. And just because your partner is a reanimated corpse with a rotted brain doesn’t mean dating is suddenly  simple. Au contraire, my friend. If you thought men with fully functioning brains were uncommunicative , just wait until you try to get one with slushy gray matter to tell you how he really feels.

You’ll be hard-pressed not to ugh, ergh and argh your head against a wall.

Hold steady! The experts at the Girls’ Guide are here to help. We’ve spent years bungling our way through every awkward dating experience conceivable. Inconvenient smell? Check. Irate ex? Check. Missing cat suspected of being devoured by a poorly medicated zombie? Check. Lost eyeball in the soup? Check, check and check. (We challenge you to find a bowl of soup on the isle of Manhattan that one of our zombie dates’ eyes hasn’tfallen into.)

And now we’re making our extraordinary expertise available to you on a one-on-one basis, so you can get all our excellent zombie-dating advice tailored to your situation. We call our new, premium service Zombie Dating Command hotline because we have full command of your zombie-dating experience. To get started, simply fill out this form and email both to our command center centralized location (ZombieDatingCentral@gmail.com). What are you waiting for? Your perfect relationship is only a few clicks away.

1. I’ve been dating my boyzomb for

  • more than six months.
  • fewer than six months.
  • I’ve never had a boyzomb
  • What’s a boyzomb?
2. I’ve had
  •  five or more boyzombs.
  •  three or four boyzombs
  •  one or two boyzombs.
  •  maybe one boyzomb—I’m not sure if we were dating or just hunting for squirrels together.
3. I believe a relationship should be
  •  satisfying all the time.
  •  satisfying most of the time.
  •  satisfying some of the time.
  •  never satisfying. What’s the point of having a boyzomb if you can’t complain about him?
4. My ideal boyzomb would
  •  be into me 24/7.
  •  notice important details like my cute new haircut.
  •  love watching chick flicks.
  •  None of the above. I have realistic expectations for my relationship.
5. I am
  • old enough to have dated a zombie.
  • old enough to have dated several zombies.
  • old enough to remember what it was like to date men.
  • old enough to consider this questionnaire completely absurd.
6. I would be interested in
  • getting an email reply from you (free).
  • having a one-on-one email chat ($9.99 for three email exchanges).
  • discussing my problem over the phone ($19.99 per each ten minutes).
  • the deluxe Zombie Dating Commando package ($299.99 for total access; email or call whenever you want—in the middle of the afternoon or the dead of night. We are here for you in your time of need!)
7. Yes, I’m totally interested in your book, The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies!
  •  Tell me where to get it now!
  •  Tell me where to get it a second ago!
  •  Tell me where to get it two weeks ago!
  •  Tell me and every person I’ve ever met where to get it! Here’s my mailing list!