Tag Archives: happy surprises

Zombie-Sex Misconception #8: Zombies can’t find the clitoris

20 Feb

To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this  sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.

The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.

This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.

And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

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Zombie-sex misconception #7: Zombies don’t care about your satisfaction

17 Feb

Listen up, Girl Guides, because this one is especially false: Zombies only care about your satisfaction. As dead creatures with reanimated life, they have no pleasure centers in the prefrontal cortex (or any cortex). They don’t eat brains because they enjoy the taste; they eat brains because they’re compelled to. It’s a thoughtless compulsion. The same with sex. Zombies aren’t in it for the orgasm. They don’t  know what an A, B or C is, let alone the Big O. For them, sex is simply another drive. They do it because nature compels them to. At no point will a zombie roll off you and say, “Thanks, honey, I’m good.” You’re the one who’s going to have to do the rolling off (and much of the rocking!). Trust me, that makes all the difference.

And while you’re cuddling with your sweetie in languid postcoital repose, don’t forget to ménage-à-trois with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter, pre-zombie-sex days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Available from Shebooks ($2.99).

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Free Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies condoms!

13 Feb

Girls Guide Condoms croppedWe know. We know. The last thing a Girl Guide like you needs in her zombie-dating surival kit is a condom. Needle and thread for unexpected limb loss? Oh, yeah. Freeze-dried cat brains to ward off attacks on your neighbor’s dog? A must. But condoms? Sex with a zombie is 100 percent risk-free—no muss, no fuss and, if you’re having a particularly good day, no detatched digits. (And if you aren’t, you have your handy sewing kit at the ready!)

We’re totally on your page, so we know you’ll get a kick out of these post-human-male-intercourse-era condoms. Use them as coasters, Christmas Tree decorations or bookmarks. Unwrap a few, blow them up amd play zombie-condom-balloon dodge ball. The possibilities are endless.

But don’t let the irony fool you. These condoms are FDA-approved and entirely functional. Plus, they’re good until June 2016—which gives you plenty of time to invent a cure for zombism, administer it and wait for the zombie of your dreams to turn back into a human male.

Intrigued? Hooked? Unable to take another breath without sporting a zombie-condom pin on your lapel right this very minute? No worries. This hot new fashion accessory and relic of a bygone age can be yours with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Buy a copy anytime from February 13 to February 20 and send the receipt to ZombieDatingCentral
@gmail.com and we’ll drop a condom in the mail to you.
It’s that easy. Want a matching pair of condoms to wear as earrings? Buy two books. Want to make a belt? Buy two dozen. Whatever works for you.

So go buy a book now and send us the receipt. Condom-distribution experts are standing by!

Offer good while supplies last, so act now.

The birthday double whammy: two gifts, one perfect package

27 Apr

Let the older generation lament the loss of mankind. Sure, there’s a lot to miss—your fella picking up the tab or fixing a leaky sink—but who pines for the wildly-off-the-mark birthday present, an annual feature of most healthy heterosexual relationships at the latter end of the twentieth century? You know what I’m talking about. One year your dad bought your mom sponges or a vacuum or a jeweled pin that looked like a fly that had been run over by a sixteen-wheeler. The next year, he gave up completely and had his admin pick something up. Worse, he had his admin send a dozen long-stemmed red roses—a lovely romantic gesture, but your mom’s favorite flowers are lilies, which he should have known.

But lucky you dates a zombies so you don’t have unrealistic expectations of the perfect gift. In fact, you have no expectations of a gift at all. Zombies can’t shop: Their fine motor skills are insufficiently developed to let them handle merchandise, let alone sign a credit card receipt. And even if they could read a price tag, they don’t have a clue what a birthday present is or why they should give you one. (Most times, they’re not even sure who you are. But that’s another post.)

This is great for you because it means you can buy your own gift—and you know exactly what you’d like. In the olden days, you had to drop mega-hints and hope for the best. Some women, having given up completely, would get the gift themselves, give it to their husband to wrap, then feign surprise upon opening it.

Zombies don’t play that game. Zombies don’t play any games, which is why they might just be the world’s best boyfriend.

Still not convinced? Here’s the bonus round: When it’s his birthday, you don’t have to stress over finding the perfect thing for him. Simply get him a box of Mrs. Yummikin’s Preseasoned Cat Brains. It’s what you would have given him for dinner anyway, so you know his rotted zombie soul will love it. Better than that, it’s the sort of practical gift his human self would have given you—an item you needed anyway topped with a pretty bow.

And there it is—two gifts in one! Vive le zombie romance.

You’ve got male

25 Apr

Congratulations, girl guide! Despite the astronomical odds not in your favor, you’ve managed to track down and unmask an unzombified human male (UHM). He’s standing before you in all his be-jeweled, be-wigged, be-dressed and be-makeuped man glory. Now what do you do?

Rule #1 No sudden movements.
Blenders—UHMs who dress up as women to blend in with their surroundings—are easily spooked. They assume every woman is a heat-seeking missile waiting for the opportunity to home in on their pelvis and touch their groin.

Rule #2 Don’t touch his groin.
Yes, I know the novelty of a fully intact penis is a lure almost too irresistible to withstand but you must. Even though men divested themselves of all responsibility for society, legally, they still have the same inalienable right not to be touched by a stranger as you do. Unauthorized physical contact is considered harassment in most jurisdictions.

Rule #3 Go in for a good look.
Just because you can’t lay on hands doesn’t mean you can’t caress him with your eyes. Go on, lean in closely. The feel of your breath on his neck doesn’t count as assault. Check out his eyes, nose, face, stubble, jaw line, broad shoulders, anything that seems notable or particularly masculine.

Rule #4 Strike up a conversation.
It’s all right. You can ask him anything. What’s his life like? Does he ever get tired of being pampered and cosseted? How does he live with the fact that he’s a drain on society? What’s his favorite color? The vast majority of UHMs will not answer even the most harmless of questions because they fear engaging with the public. But you might get lucky and find one willing to chat. If so, buy him a latte. UHMs like when women buy them things. It makes them feel special.

Rule #5 Share the love.  
Don’t be shy about your discovery. Tell everyone you know about it. For many women, unzombified human males are more myth than reality, and seeing an actual man in a familiar environment can help affirm their existence. (Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And, no, his skin isn’t molted purple. Yet.) Snap a picture with your phone and send it to your friends and family with the caption: “Look what I found!” Even better, submit it to the New York Post‘s Man Candy Monday contest and win 100 bucks. An unzombified human male and mad money? Best. Day. Ever.

Why do you think zombies make better boyfriends? Pick a reason. Send a postcard!

18 Feb

Here at The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies, we’re all about looking on the bright side of things. So what if the zombie apocalypse turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies?! Zombies aren’t all bad. Below, our top 5 reasons zombies make better boyfriends. Pick your favorite and send it with a note (“And you thought John grunted a lot!”) to your pals. Simply follow the Greeting Card link.

Reason #5 No quibbling over clothes! Your zombie boyfriend will let you dress him any way you want. His sense of style is your sense of style. Bow tie? Yes, please. Waistcoat? Double-breasted preferred. Bolero? Bring it on!

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Reason #4 Sociability! Your zombie boyfriend will get along great with all your friends. He’ll never make an obnoxious comment about Sadie’s pretentious dinner parties or Catherine’s appallingly bad fake British accent.

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Reason #3 Shoe shopping! Your zombie boyfriend loves shopping for shoes and will cheerfully spend hours in a chair watching you try on pair after pair. Torn between the red pumps and the pink heels? Let your boyzomb decide! His taste is impeccable. Best of all: He won’t notice price, let alone grunt with disapproval when those sexy slides set you back half a mortgage payment.

Reason #2 Total career support! Your zombie boyfriend won’t feel threatened by your job or how much money you make—he doesn’t even know what money is! Moreover, he won’t complain if you cancel plans because you have to work late. He’ll support your career 110 percent and will never require you to compromise it for the good of your relationship.

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Reason #1 Complete devotion! Your zombie boyfriend won’t wince at the wordcommitment or leave you wondering if he’ll call. Dating a zombie means no more mind games, no more sitting by the phone, no more will-he-or-won’t-he conversations, no more ugly scenes at your cousin Judy’s wedding, no more drama. Your days of obsessing over your boyfriend’s every word and action are behind you. Rejoice!

Have your own reason why zombies make better boyfriends? Great! We’d love to hear it. Leave it in the comment box, and our illustrator will create an amazing image for it. Then we’ll add it to the e-card options, so others can see it and send it to their friends.

What are you waiting for? Get sending!

Send a Greeting Card

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by bravenet.com

Be a wanna-z! Advice for pulling off the zombie look without pulling out your hair (literally!)

2 Feb

Once the province of glossy magazines and fashion models, haute decay has finally stepped off the runway and into the supermarket, PTA meeting, executive conference room, and even the five-star restaurant on the Upper East Side.

And yet, as popular as the zombie look is, many women are still intimidated by the amount of time and money it takes to adopt a properly putrefied pose. Sure, some women spend hours at the beauty salon having their hair strandardized, but you don’t have to. You can get the same coveted straggly chic style without leaving your own bathroom, and you don’t have to lose a single strand to do it!

Here, tips for becoming your own homegrown beautiful corpse.

The eyes have it. Central to the zombie trend is the red webbing in a wanna-z’s eyes. BloodTacts—bloodshot contact lenses—can cost up to $100 per pair, depending on the intracacy of the lines. You can attain the same effect at a fraction of the cost with a helpful little product that’s probably already in your purse: pepper spray. A tiny shot of pepper spray will turn your eyes bright pink for hours. Apply carefully. Excessive application can result in burning, stinging and temporary blindness.

Neither hair nor there The stringy gray strands of straggly chic might be all the rage but don’t be so quick to surrender your tresses to strand-thinning mavens at the local salon. Rates of regrowth vary, and many women report dissatisfaction with the appearance of their scalp. Instead of heading to the salon, head to your pantry. Douse your head with olive oil; on days when you  need a little extra conditioning, go  extra virgin. Once hair is seriously soaked, sprinkle with all-purpose flour. (Use 3 tablespoons whole wheat for a super-grime look.) Clump hair together in bunches about a quarter inch thick, taking care to keep them separate, and you are ready to go. Not sure what to do with the excess oil sliding down your forehead? Take along a brightly colored statement handkerchief and keep the drips at bay in style!

Clothing in on it. The best haute-decay designs are those that leave the tailoring to Mother Nature. All too frequently, torn and ripped clothes can look calculatingly damaged. Replicate the replication of the natural world by staking your favorite outfits to a tree for several weeks. Then run them through the dishwasher with boric acid. In no time at all, your beloved 7s will look like they’ve been dragged around by a rotted corpse for ten years. Beautiful!

Making scents. Fifty percent of wanna-z success is aural. If you smell like a zombie, then you look like a zombie. To be on trend without making your gag reflex kick in, buy Eau de Death at any drugstore or pharmacy and sweeten it at home with this easy concoction: 2 tablespoons cream soda, 1 tablespoon vanilla, 1 teaspoon confectioners’ sugar, 1 cherry Jolly Rancher dissolved in 2 ounces hot water. Mix with your perfume of choice and voilà—sweets for the sweet!