Tag Archives: human males

Who gets the door?: Zombie-neutral etiquette for the 21st century

4 Sep

Long before the H1Z1 virus turned 99.9999 percent of all men into zombies, the issue of who should open the door for whom was a hot-button topic. Opinions varied widely on the necessity and utility of chivalry in the modern world, and there were as many definitions of what it meant to be a gentleman as there were gentlemen.

Now, of course, the debate is over. Who gets the door? You.

Every. Single. Time.

The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.

But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. The sad truth is, he simply hasn’t thought of it. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.

There is much to miss with the zombification of the male population—sparking wit, spirited conversation, even the well-thought-out zinger in the middle of a heated argument—but the loss of old-fashioned courtesy is not one of them. Don’t think of it as the end of chivalry. Think of it as the end of awkward pauses at the door. Think of it as the end of unintended offense when you competently open the door for yourself. Think of it as the end of scurrying over the threshold under the arm of a man who won’t let you open the door for him. Think of it as the end of gender inequality as we know it.

Still not convinced? That’s all right. The zombpocalypse has been hard on all of us, and we each adapt to this brave new world at our own pace. So if you don’t want to open the door for yourself, don’t. One of your fellow female human beings will be along in a moment or two and I’m sure she’d be happy to do it for you. Because it’s not the door itself that matters; it’s the portal of possibilities it represents.

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Free Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies condoms!

13 Feb

Girls Guide Condoms croppedWe know. We know. The last thing a Girl Guide like you needs in her zombie-dating surival kit is a condom. Needle and thread for unexpected limb loss? Oh, yeah. Freeze-dried cat brains to ward off attacks on your neighbor’s dog? A must. But condoms? Sex with a zombie is 100 percent risk-free—no muss, no fuss and, if you’re having a particularly good day, no detatched digits. (And if you aren’t, you have your handy sewing kit at the ready!)

We’re totally on your page, so we know you’ll get a kick out of these post-human-male-intercourse-era condoms. Use them as coasters, Christmas Tree decorations or bookmarks. Unwrap a few, blow them up amd play zombie-condom-balloon dodge ball. The possibilities are endless.

But don’t let the irony fool you. These condoms are FDA-approved and entirely functional. Plus, they’re good until June 2016—which gives you plenty of time to invent a cure for zombism, administer it and wait for the zombie of your dreams to turn back into a human male.

Intrigued? Hooked? Unable to take another breath without sporting a zombie-condom pin on your lapel right this very minute? No worries. This hot new fashion accessory and relic of a bygone age can be yours with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Buy a copy anytime from February 13 to February 20 and send the receipt to ZombieDatingCentral
@gmail.com and we’ll drop a condom in the mail to you.
It’s that easy. Want a matching pair of condoms to wear as earrings? Buy two books. Want to make a belt? Buy two dozen. Whatever works for you.

So go buy a book now and send us the receipt. Condom-distribution experts are standing by!

Offer good while supplies last, so act now.

The birthday double whammy: two gifts, one perfect package

27 Apr

Let the older generation lament the loss of mankind. Sure, there’s a lot to miss—your fella picking up the tab or fixing a leaky sink—but who pines for the wildly-off-the-mark birthday present, an annual feature of most healthy heterosexual relationships at the latter end of the twentieth century? You know what I’m talking about. One year your dad bought your mom sponges or a vacuum or a jeweled pin that looked like a fly that had been run over by a sixteen-wheeler. The next year, he gave up completely and had his admin pick something up. Worse, he had his admin send a dozen long-stemmed red roses—a lovely romantic gesture, but your mom’s favorite flowers are lilies, which he should have known.

But lucky you dates a zombies so you don’t have unrealistic expectations of the perfect gift. In fact, you have no expectations of a gift at all. Zombies can’t shop: Their fine motor skills are insufficiently developed to let them handle merchandise, let alone sign a credit card receipt. And even if they could read a price tag, they don’t have a clue what a birthday present is or why they should give you one. (Most times, they’re not even sure who you are. But that’s another post.)

This is great for you because it means you can buy your own gift—and you know exactly what you’d like. In the olden days, you had to drop mega-hints and hope for the best. Some women, having given up completely, would get the gift themselves, give it to their husband to wrap, then feign surprise upon opening it.

Zombies don’t play that game. Zombies don’t play any games, which is why they might just be the world’s best boyfriend.

Still not convinced? Here’s the bonus round: When it’s his birthday, you don’t have to stress over finding the perfect thing for him. Simply get him a box of Mrs. Yummikin’s Preseasoned Cat Brains. It’s what you would have given him for dinner anyway, so you know his rotted zombie soul will love it. Better than that, it’s the sort of practical gift his human self would have given you—an item you needed anyway topped with a pretty bow.

And there it is—two gifts in one! Vive le zombie romance.

Zombie sex misconception #6: Zombies can father zombie babies

26 Apr

Listen up, folks! The rumors about this one are rampant, despite a multimillion-dollar National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People public-awareness campaign, so I will be absolutely clear: Sex with a zombie will not result in a half-human, half-zombie baby.

Hold on. Let me repeat that for the women in the last row: SEX WITH A ZOMBIE WILL NOT RESULT IN A HALF-HUMAN, HALF-ZOMBIE BABY.

Sorry to get all crazy-loud-neighbor shouty on you, but this misconception is particularly persistent. But it’s patently not true. For one thing, it’s physically impossible for any creature to reproduce without the necessary biological matter of sperm. Zombie’s don’t have sperm. Their testicles do not function, which means they cannot produce little swimmers. Secondly, even if a zombie could produce viable sperm (which it can’t!), a human-zombie hybrid would be no more feasible than a goat-lion or dog-elephant hybrid. In order for a hybrid to survive, the animals must have similar genetic makeups.

The only way for a human female to reproduce is to have sex with a human male during her fertile period (good luck finding one at all, let alone at a vital moment!) or for her to be implanted with her own fertilized egg* at one of the 146 government-run sperm banks across the country.

That’s it. There are no other options for human reproduction.

Got it? Good. Because I don’t want to have to repeat myself again.

*Women wishing to reproduce must meet certain monetary and intellectual standards. See ProvisionalGovermentAuthorityReproductiveRules.gov for more info.

You’ve got male

25 Apr

Congratulations, girl guide! Despite the astronomical odds not in your favor, you’ve managed to track down and unmask an unzombified human male (UHM). He’s standing before you in all his be-jeweled, be-wigged, be-dressed and be-makeuped man glory. Now what do you do?

Rule #1 No sudden movements.
Blenders—UHMs who dress up as women to blend in with their surroundings—are easily spooked. They assume every woman is a heat-seeking missile waiting for the opportunity to home in on their pelvis and touch their groin.

Rule #2 Don’t touch his groin.
Yes, I know the novelty of a fully intact penis is a lure almost too irresistible to withstand but you must. Even though men divested themselves of all responsibility for society, legally, they still have the same inalienable right not to be touched by a stranger as you do. Unauthorized physical contact is considered harassment in most jurisdictions.

Rule #3 Go in for a good look.
Just because you can’t lay on hands doesn’t mean you can’t caress him with your eyes. Go on, lean in closely. The feel of your breath on his neck doesn’t count as assault. Check out his eyes, nose, face, stubble, jaw line, broad shoulders, anything that seems notable or particularly masculine.

Rule #4 Strike up a conversation.
It’s all right. You can ask him anything. What’s his life like? Does he ever get tired of being pampered and cosseted? How does he live with the fact that he’s a drain on society? What’s his favorite color? The vast majority of UHMs will not answer even the most harmless of questions because they fear engaging with the public. But you might get lucky and find one willing to chat. If so, buy him a latte. UHMs like when women buy them things. It makes them feel special.

Rule #5 Share the love.  
Don’t be shy about your discovery. Tell everyone you know about it. For many women, unzombified human males are more myth than reality, and seeing an actual man in a familiar environment can help affirm their existence. (Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And, no, his skin isn’t molted purple. Yet.) Snap a picture with your phone and send it to your friends and family with the caption: “Look what I found!” Even better, submit it to the New York Post‘s Man Candy Monday contest and win 100 bucks. An unzombified human male and mad money? Best. Day. Ever.

Male-watching basics

13 Mar

All right, girl guides! Now that you know where 96.4 percent of unzombified human males are (still not sure? See our color-coded breakdown), it’s time to go out and find one.

Oh, yeah. Find one. These anthropological curiosities won’t be around for long, so grab your binocs and hit the street before they disappear completely.  Here, everything you need to know to male-watch with the best of them.

Know what you’re looking for.
Chances are, you’ve sat next to a UHM on the subway or stood behind one in line at the supermarket. You just didn’t realize it because he was dressed exactly like you.  The vast majority of UHMs are blenders—men passing as women to blend in. Men blend for a variety of reasons: They’re embarrassed by their own lack of productivity; they’re ashamed of how they behaved when the plague first struck; they want to avoid a fuss.

The best way to identify a UHM is by his Adam’s apple. A man can don a dress and a speak in a falsetto, but he has few options when it comes to hiding the projection in the front of the neck formed by the largest cartilage of the larynx. Be suspicious of any woman wearing a wool scarf in the middle of summer or indoors. A UHM will typically claim to be an opera singer keeping her vocal cords warm. To confirm, ask her to sing Der Hölle Rache from The Magic Flute. Most divas have the aria down pat and will happily show off their technical skill. Other suspicious characters? Clowns and scuba divers.

Know where to look.
When the daily grind of their total pampered existence takes on a minutely uncomfortable edge (“What’s that pea doing under my mattress?”), UHMs like to come down from their penthouse suites and immerse themselves in the teeming humanity of everyday life. Their chosen spot to remind themselves of the hyped-up anxiety and rude discomfort of the true daily grind? Starbucks. But not just any Starbucks. UHMs prefer the ones with the tightest quarters, the better to be annoyed by their fellow patrons queuing impatiently for their macchiato lattes. For kicks, they will always mutter their name, then laugh at the barista’s closest approximation.

Know how to look.
Finding a UHM requires three crucial things: good binoculars, an excellent bladder and a mildly engrossing book. Male watching is a full-day activity, so arrive early and grab a table with a clear view of the door. (Skip the counter; stools don’t provide back support and you’ll be facing away from the action.) Since you’re settling in for the long haul, it’s important to pace your purchases. A good rule of thumb is one drink every two hours. Go for small tea or regular coffee; fancier drinks will up your budget and calorie intake quickly. Keep your binoculars handy and don’t be shy about using them. Other women won’t mind the attention, and UHMs won’t risk their cover by complaining. Hold steady. Male watching might seem like a wasted effort but if you persist, I guarantee you’ll eventually see a human male. Which begs the question: What will you do when you find him?

Guys! Guys! Guys!

1 Mar

Welcome to the other side of the looking glass!

Today, for the first time ever, the Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies turns its steely gaze and keen intellect to the matter of—wait for it—men.

Yep, you read that right. In this one-time-only, three-part series, we discuss the other half of the species: that elusive creature known as the unzombified human male.

What is there to say about him? Frankly, not much. After the great H1Z1 outbreak of 2000, the UHM went into seclusion—in penthouse suites, castle courtyards and ski chalets—and never reemerged. Instead, he chose to avail himself of the many luxuries bestowed on his randomly immune Y chromosome.

In the first installment in our series, we address the eternal question, What do men do? Not surprisingly, they work in exclusive industries that, prior to the outbreak, were not available to the vast majority of them. Here, a breakdown of the zombified human male population by occupation. As you can see, none of them are manning the checkout counter at the local bodega.

WHERE THE BOYS ARE

Stat source: International Institute of Men's Studies

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52.4 percent: movie star 
Post-plague, any man, regardless of looks or talent, can be a movie star; all it takes is immunity and a willingness to show up at the appointed hour.

19.6 percent: companion
For one hundred bucks a pop, a man will sell the simple pleasure of being in his company, and the pleasure stops there: For a Benny Franklin, all you get is the right to occupy the same space as a man and a keepsake photo; conversation is extra.

12.5 percent: sperm donor
 Unlike sperm donation centers of previous generations, current ones have no genetic or medical requirements. All donators are welcomed and provided with a generous living.

11.9 percent: pharmaceutical researcher
This is a fancy way of saying pampered guinea pig. To find a cure to the zombie plague, drug companies need unlimited access to the DNA of survivors, and those who are willing and able to provide it can have their every desire fulfilled.

3.6 percent: other
No hard data exists for this segment of UHMs, but the IRS speculates that they are the intimate friends of extremely successful women (read: companions with benefits).