Tag Archives: outings

Defusing the zomb Guam bomb

30 Apr

You arrive at a dinner party of an old college friend or a colleague from work. Your host greets you and your zombie date graciously at the door. She invites you in, and as she takes your coat, she runs through the basics: hors d’oeuvre on the coffee tables, drinks in the kitchen, zombies in the corner by the ficus. You look up and sure enough, six zombies are herded into the far corner of the living room behind a tall plant.

Welcome to zomb Guam.

A zombie-holding zone, or zomb Guam, as it’s more commonly known, is an area that’s put aside exclusively for zombies to keep them out of the way during a party or event. This practice, which is patently offensive to zombies and the women who date them, has been wholeheartedly condemned by the NAAZP. Nevertheless, many women, particularly those of the older generation, still think it’s perfectly fine to park zombies in a dark corner like they’re strollers.

If zomb Guam happens to you—and if you date a zombie for an appreciable amount of time, it will happen to you—don’t be shocked. Handle the situation with equanimity and give the zombaphobe a reason to blush. Here are four ways to keep your cool.

1. Speak up. Gently suggest to your host that you don’t think it’s entirely appropriate to deposit your date in the corner like an inanimate object. Smile so she knows you’re not judging her or her attitude.  It will be a little awkward because you’re a guest and you don’t want to make waves, but she’s your friend—she’ll understand your concern and respect your opinion.

2. Suggest an alternative. Most zombie zones are tiny. Wanting to concede as little space as possible to brain-munching interlopers, a host will typically cram six or seven zombies into an area large enough for three. Ask your host if the zombies could be relocated to a spare bedroom or a finished basement, any space that’s not currently in use. (Do not propose the room that’s being used to collect coats. It does not further the zombie cause to have a guest go home with skin slippage on her cashmere scarf.) Putting the zombies in a different room provides them with greater comfort while at the same time ensuring they remain separate. If she seems receptive, request that she bring in a  television for their entertainment.

3. Accept it. If you’ve made your case and your host is stubbornly committed to zomb Guam, let it be. After all, you are her guest and you have to respect her wants and wishes. Apologize quietly to your zombie date for the disrespectful treatment and visit him often in his pen. It’s unlikely a zombaphobe will have refreshments on hand for her zombie guests but give the kitchen a thorough once-over  just in case. If the cupboards are bare, check the mousetraps.

4. Plan better. Once you’ve been hit by a zomb Guam bomb, you learn to anticipate it.That’s good. It doesn’t hurt to keep your guard up. The next time you’re invited to a party, ask explicitly if your boyzomb is invited. If she says yes, confirm that he will have the run of the house and not be confined to a tiny zone. Once you know everything, you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to attend. Take heart: As more and more women date zombies, the old-fashioned anti-zombie attitude will become an artifact of the past, as will zomb Guam. Just give it some time.

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Male-watching basics

13 Mar

All right, girl guides! Now that you know where 96.4 percent of unzombified human males are (still not sure? See our color-coded breakdown), it’s time to go out and find one.

Oh, yeah. Find one. These anthropological curiosities won’t be around for long, so grab your binocs and hit the street before they disappear completely.  Here, everything you need to know to male-watch with the best of them.

Know what you’re looking for.
Chances are, you’ve sat next to a UHM on the subway or stood behind one in line at the supermarket. You just didn’t realize it because he was dressed exactly like you.  The vast majority of UHMs are blenders—men passing as women to blend in. Men blend for a variety of reasons: They’re embarrassed by their own lack of productivity; they’re ashamed of how they behaved when the plague first struck; they want to avoid a fuss.

The best way to identify a UHM is by his Adam’s apple. A man can don a dress and a speak in a falsetto, but he has few options when it comes to hiding the projection in the front of the neck formed by the largest cartilage of the larynx. Be suspicious of any woman wearing a wool scarf in the middle of summer or indoors. A UHM will typically claim to be an opera singer keeping her vocal cords warm. To confirm, ask her to sing Der Hölle Rache from The Magic Flute. Most divas have the aria down pat and will happily show off their technical skill. Other suspicious characters? Clowns and scuba divers.

Know where to look.
When the daily grind of their total pampered existence takes on a minutely uncomfortable edge (“What’s that pea doing under my mattress?”), UHMs like to come down from their penthouse suites and immerse themselves in the teeming humanity of everyday life. Their chosen spot to remind themselves of the hyped-up anxiety and rude discomfort of the true daily grind? Starbucks. But not just any Starbucks. UHMs prefer the ones with the tightest quarters, the better to be annoyed by their fellow patrons queuing impatiently for their macchiato lattes. For kicks, they will always mutter their name, then laugh at the barista’s closest approximation.

Know how to look.
Finding a UHM requires three crucial things: good binoculars, an excellent bladder and a mildly engrossing book. Male watching is a full-day activity, so arrive early and grab a table with a clear view of the door. (Skip the counter; stools don’t provide back support and you’ll be facing away from the action.) Since you’re settling in for the long haul, it’s important to pace your purchases. A good rule of thumb is one drink every two hours. Go for small tea or regular coffee; fancier drinks will up your budget and calorie intake quickly. Keep your binoculars handy and don’t be shy about using them. Other women won’t mind the attention, and UHMs won’t risk their cover by complaining. Hold steady. Male watching might seem like a wasted effort but if you persist, I guarantee you’ll eventually see a human male. Which begs the question: What will you do when you find him?

Be a wanna-z! Advice for pulling off the zombie look without pulling out your hair (literally!)

2 Feb

Once the province of glossy magazines and fashion models, haute decay has finally stepped off the runway and into the supermarket, PTA meeting, executive conference room, and even the five-star restaurant on the Upper East Side.

And yet, as popular as the zombie look is, many women are still intimidated by the amount of time and money it takes to adopt a properly putrefied pose. Sure, some women spend hours at the beauty salon having their hair strandardized, but you don’t have to. You can get the same coveted straggly chic style without leaving your own bathroom, and you don’t have to lose a single strand to do it!

Here, tips for becoming your own homegrown beautiful corpse.

The eyes have it. Central to the zombie trend is the red webbing in a wanna-z’s eyes. BloodTacts—bloodshot contact lenses—can cost up to $100 per pair, depending on the intracacy of the lines. You can attain the same effect at a fraction of the cost with a helpful little product that’s probably already in your purse: pepper spray. A tiny shot of pepper spray will turn your eyes bright pink for hours. Apply carefully. Excessive application can result in burning, stinging and temporary blindness.

Neither hair nor there The stringy gray strands of straggly chic might be all the rage but don’t be so quick to surrender your tresses to strand-thinning mavens at the local salon. Rates of regrowth vary, and many women report dissatisfaction with the appearance of their scalp. Instead of heading to the salon, head to your pantry. Douse your head with olive oil; on days when you  need a little extra conditioning, go  extra virgin. Once hair is seriously soaked, sprinkle with all-purpose flour. (Use 3 tablespoons whole wheat for a super-grime look.) Clump hair together in bunches about a quarter inch thick, taking care to keep them separate, and you are ready to go. Not sure what to do with the excess oil sliding down your forehead? Take along a brightly colored statement handkerchief and keep the drips at bay in style!

Clothing in on it. The best haute-decay designs are those that leave the tailoring to Mother Nature. All too frequently, torn and ripped clothes can look calculatingly damaged. Replicate the replication of the natural world by staking your favorite outfits to a tree for several weeks. Then run them through the dishwasher with boric acid. In no time at all, your beloved 7s will look like they’ve been dragged around by a rotted corpse for ten years. Beautiful!

Making scents. Fifty percent of wanna-z success is aural. If you smell like a zombie, then you look like a zombie. To be on trend without making your gag reflex kick in, buy Eau de Death at any drugstore or pharmacy and sweeten it at home with this easy concoction: 2 tablespoons cream soda, 1 tablespoon vanilla, 1 teaspoon confectioners’ sugar, 1 cherry Jolly Rancher dissolved in 2 ounces hot water. Mix with your perfume of choice and voilà—sweets for the sweet!

Slaughterhouse jive: Find love at the local abattoir with these easy steps

6 Dec

Zombies! They’re still everywhere and yet you still can’t figure out how to meet one! Don’t worry. If the first method, culling the herd, wasn’t for you—and don’t blame yourself: Most women can’t bear the thought of braving the wilds of suburbia!—maybe method number two is. This method entails visiting a slaughterhouse and having cocktails with your friends. Interested? Read on.

METHOD 2: VISITING THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Best suited for:

  • Women with a can-do spirit who don’t want to do too much
  • Women who are budget-conscious but not budget-constrained
  • Women with a moderate amount of spare time
  • Women with an adventurous sense of fun

What is entails: Given how naturally drawn to slaughterhouses zombies are, it was only a matter of time before these meat facilities became meet facilities. Enterprising owners, noticing the swarm of women around the swarm of zombies, added dance floors and bars to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. To find your honey at a slaughterhouse, simply put on your best duds and head down to the nearest hotspot (check local listings).

The advantages: Visiting the slaughterhouse is an easy, low-risk way to meet a potential boyzomb. You can show up whenever you want and check out the stock with little effort or emotional investment. Don’t see anything you like? Leave and come back another day. Shy about going alone? No problem. Take along your best pal or your posse and turn it into a girls’ night out. Order drinks, nibble on light fare and catch up with your GFs before looking for BZs. The evening doesn’t have to be all about finding a zombie.

The other advantage to a slaughterhouse zombie is he’s already on the road to domestication. All zombies living within city limits are on state-mandated appetite suppressants, so his desire to feed constantly is under control. You simply have to augment the regimen with limb-retention supplements, firming creams and odor neutralizers.

The disadvantages: Slaughterhouses are not free, most requiring a cover charge and two-drink minimum. A typical evening can run you fifty to sixty dollars. Some places offer better value than others. The Green Mosquito on Gansevoort in New York City, for example, has a VIP lounge, karaoke rooms and a comedy club where bands also perform on the weekends.

Another drawback is the popularity of such joints means the competition to meet zombies is fierce. Don’t expect to make a love connection simply by showing up. At a slaughterhouse, you have to assert yourself. Keep it polite—remember, we’re still ladies—but don’t defer to anyone. If you see something you like, go after it. Otherwise, all you will have at the end of the evening is lots of regret and a large bar tab.

Lastly, at the slaughterhouse, you won’t get a perfectly groomed specimen. City zombies live easier lives than roamers in the burbs, but they’re still rough around the edges. Limb retention is good but not one hundred percent, so expect a missing arm, leg or nose here and there. Likewise, the worst of their odor should be tempered by slaughterhouse-administered perfume dust, but their smell can still make you queasy. Be prepared for a long de-scent-ization process.

Conclusion: Visiting a slaughterhouse is the perfect method for the career girl who wants a boyzomb but is wary of commitment. She’s not afraid to have fun and nourishes strong personal connections with her friends. A little effort doesn’t scare her, but she’s not in it for a long haul. A shortcut or two is just fine with her!

The truth about zombie walks

20 Oct

Sure, they seem like a good idea—warm spring day, bright blue sky, good friends, happy chatter, genteel exertion. By all accounts, strolling down the city street with your zombie in the company of like-minded women sounds like a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon. You get some fresh air; your zombie gets some exercise. When you both get hungry, you stop at a charming little French cafe for steak et brains au poivre. Why wouldn’t you want to participate?

But the pastoral elegance of the modern urban zombie walk hides a seething underbelly of crass materialism.What was once an egalitarian outing has become a status parade as more and more women see the weekly walk as an opportunity to show off their boyzomb in all his bedazzled glory, from his diamond-studded tiara to his vintage Alexander McQueen plumage to his 18-karat-gold ankle bracelet. Couples who show up in neat, color-coordinated Gap separates are looked upon with scorn. A few minutes at a zombie walk and you’ll find yourself transported to the lunchroom in high school. Think you didn’t sit at the cool table back then? Just wait until you try to walk your zombie to the front half of the promenade. A Maginot Line of stiff cashmere shoulders will beat you  back. The fine for walking above your station is pure humiliation—and $35. (Do note: The Provisional Government Authorities no longer enforce fines issued by the Society for the Ethical Glamorization of Zombies.)

But that’s not the only reason to abstain. The National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People strongly objects to the offensive use of leashes for directing your zombie boyfriend—a core practice at any zombie walk. I agree. As I’ve clearly stated before, a boyzomb can be controlled entirely by a regimen of diet and drugs. A well-fed and well-medicated zombie will walk docilely beside you down any street in the world. Only zombies who aren’t looked after properly are prone to rampages. Fine feathers will never supplant fine pharmaceuticals.

There are many great alternatives to a zombie walk—visiting the park, going to the farmers’ market, strolling along the river, taking a ferry ride. (Just be sure to check out yesterday’s post The public problem: how to take your zombie out and not die of embarrassment before you head out.) Remember, there are loads of things you can do with your boyzomb—and none of the require a leash!