Tag Archives: responsible behavior

Zombie boyfriend theft—it does happen

19 Feb

Zombies! They’re abundant and available and yet you can’t help but feel all the good ones are taken. It might be the truth, it might be a case of grass-is-always-green-itis, but for some women the only boyzomb that will do is the one on another woman’s arm. Poaching is a reprehensible betrayal of sisterhood and the fourth way in our series on how to meet a zombie.

Method 4: Stealing Another Woman’s Boyzomb

Best suited for…

  • Women with no conscience

What it entails: Meeting a fully domesticated zombie who is already in a relationship, luring him with tempting brain treats when no one is looking and taking him home

The advantages: All of the benefits of a fully domesticated zombie with none of the effort or expense

The disadvantages: Having to live with your immoral, unethical self

Conclusion: Women who steal other women’s boyzombs are unscrupulous creatures who don’t deserve to live in a principled and civilized society. All BZ poachers should be exiled to the wilds of suburbia and made to exist on vending machine Spam and cream soda.

And while you’re feeling morally superior to bzomb stealers, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.LoveTimeZombies2

Hattie Cross tells all

3 Dec

Sure, you’re deep in the love bubble with your rottie hottie now, but it hasn’t always been this way. Once upon a time—maybe at the very beginning of the plague, maybe a dozen years in—you swore you’d never, ever date a zombie. You’d have to be dead five days yourself before you’d even consider going to the movies with a decomposing corpse.

And yet here you are: sharing a Neflix account.

Life’s full of surprises.

You don’t have to tell me. When I started my journalism career as a cub reporter (er, intern) for the Xombie Review, the last thing I  expected was to one day write the definitive how-to for meeting and dating zombies. I was just was as boy crazy as the rest of womankind—that is, crazy enough to think I’d actually meet a boy. Roughly 300,000 unzombified human males left on the planet and I’d somehow bump into one in line at the supermarket.

That’s right, girl guides, even I succumbed to the magical thinking that affected so many of our mothers, who believed the H1Z1 virus would naturally run its course and turn our fathers back into the nurturing human beings they’d mostly been.

What changed my mind? Wouldn’t you like to know!

Well, now you can: LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES, my new tell-all soon to be released from Shebooks, gives all the gritty details of my transformation from zombie hater to zombie lover. Cringe at my first zombie date! Wince as I try to break into a secret government facility! Cheer as I grow as a person!

Heart, wit, suspense—this story has it all. And check out the cover. See that cool upside-down heart blood drop? That represents the topsy-turvy world we live in. Clever, right?! Look for LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES later this month.

LoveTimeZombies2

The golden rule: Girls before ghouls

5 Sep

You don’t have to tell me about the giddy exuberance of a new romance. I know far too well how easy it is to get caught up in the minutia of a new partner: the adorable hesitance with which he nibbles the edge of a cow brain before digging in, the  sweet-acrid singe of his skin as he smells a burning candle, the slightly shameful tilt of his head when you catch him trying to eat your cat. The pleasures of a new relationship are many, even with a zombie boyfriend, and it’s easy to close yourself off in your own little love bubble.

Resist the urge.

Although the love bubble feels like a reassuringly warm and lovely cocoon, it’s in fact a treacherous place to be. Relationships with zombies, even the best of them, are temporary. One day, your boyzomb will disappear. Maybe he’ll follow some other woman home. Maybe he’ll get lost in a crowd. Maybe he’ll simply decay into a mound of slushy gray mushiness. At that moment, you’ll look around for your friends and they won’t be there. You won’t even be able to remember when or how you lost them. Because that’s what the love bubble does—makes you oblivious to everything but your love.

But that doesn’t have to be you, weeping alone in a dark corner, uncomforted by the warm hug of caring friends. You can overcome the lure of the love bubble by following one simple rule: girls before ghouls.

Here’s how it works: You want to take your boyzomb to the slaughterhouse for a very special, 17-day anniversary dinner but it’s also your bestie Tabitha’s birthday. You’d rather watch that adorable cow-brain nibble of your new crush, but rather than succumb, reschedule for the next night and take your BFF for dinner instead. Your pal will give you best-buddy points for pushing back such an important event, your zombie boyfriend won’t know the difference (17 days, 18 days, 1,265 days—it’s all the same to him) and you’ll get the lovely satisfaction of doing the right thing. It’s win-win-win.

Now, that’s what I call giddy exhuberance.

Free Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies condoms!

13 Feb

Girls Guide Condoms croppedWe know. We know. The last thing a Girl Guide like you needs in her zombie-dating surival kit is a condom. Needle and thread for unexpected limb loss? Oh, yeah. Freeze-dried cat brains to ward off attacks on your neighbor’s dog? A must. But condoms? Sex with a zombie is 100 percent risk-free—no muss, no fuss and, if you’re having a particularly good day, no detatched digits. (And if you aren’t, you have your handy sewing kit at the ready!)

We’re totally on your page, so we know you’ll get a kick out of these post-human-male-intercourse-era condoms. Use them as coasters, Christmas Tree decorations or bookmarks. Unwrap a few, blow them up amd play zombie-condom-balloon dodge ball. The possibilities are endless.

But don’t let the irony fool you. These condoms are FDA-approved and entirely functional. Plus, they’re good until June 2016—which gives you plenty of time to invent a cure for zombism, administer it and wait for the zombie of your dreams to turn back into a human male.

Intrigued? Hooked? Unable to take another breath without sporting a zombie-condom pin on your lapel right this very minute? No worries. This hot new fashion accessory and relic of a bygone age can be yours with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Buy a copy anytime from February 13 to February 20 and send the receipt to ZombieDatingCentral
@gmail.com and we’ll drop a condom in the mail to you.
It’s that easy. Want a matching pair of condoms to wear as earrings? Buy two books. Want to make a belt? Buy two dozen. Whatever works for you.

So go buy a book now and send us the receipt. Condom-distribution experts are standing by!

Offer good while supplies last, so act now.

Don’t date the zombie, warns Married with Zombies author Jesse Petersen

25 May

Zombie expert Jesse Petersen warns women not to date zombies. “Aim for the head,” she says. “Protect your brain.”

It’s no secret that dating a zombie isn’t for everyone, and here at the Girls’ Guide we pride ourselves in embracing dissenting views. In the following, zombie expert Jesse Petersen, author of the supremely funny Living with the Dead trilogy, shares why she thinks dating a zombie isn’t such a good idea. She’s written three books on the subject, so perhaps she knows something we don’t!

First off, thanks so much to Lynn for having me today as a guest on the blog. I especially thank her since my topic is one so very far from her own opinion on this subject. I mean, date a zombie?? I’ve always thought my first reaction (and the reactions of all my characters) would be to kill a zombie and think about dating last. So I would like to offer a bit of an alternative advice to those considering dating a zombie.

5 Reasons Not to Date a Zombie (Out of 50,000)

1. Lack of upward mobility
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there are going to be a lot of zombies. Really, it will be the “it” thing to do, so you’d think that would mean a zombie would be a great guy to date. He’s not. There’s no upward mobility in it. Once you’re a zombie, you’re a zombie. There aren’t upper management zombies. Or doctor zombies. And it’s not that you need a guy who is going to move on up, but dating a guy who has no chance of upward mobility is dating a man who is stalled in his life. No fun.

2. He’s always checking out other girls…and guys
Cheating is just a no-no, and it can come in a lot of forms. With a zombie boyfriend, he’s always going to be looking around at other people. Now it won’t be for sex…but he’s going to want someone else for their brains. Can you live with that? With not being the only brain for him?

3. His sense of humor is stilted
Imagine a lifetime of this one joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Brains.” That’s it. That’s the whole joke. He’s not going to learn another one.

4. Body parts coming off during sex
Sexual compatibility is a big part of a good relationship, and I’m sure there are some zombies that still remember all the right moves. And since their muscle fibers and tissues are breaking down, they can also probably move around in some really crazy ways. But if a leg comes off in the middle of the sexy,
it’s going to scar you for life. I don’t care how freaky you are!!

5. Also, he wants to kill you
This is biggest reason not to date a zombie. He’s going to moan and groan and make all the right hand gestures, but when he smells your hair, it’s not about how hot he thinks you are. It’s about that tasty brain you’re keeping in your skull cavity. That’s what he wants, girl! Your brain. And even though we’ve all spent
decades exclaiming how we want guys to love us for our brains, in this case, it’s really not going to work…unless you want to zombie up, too.

So make your decision about who you pursue after the apocalypse comes, but don’t let some hot piece of zombie ass make you forget the pitfalls. Aim for the head, protect your brain.

Jesse Petersen is the author of many novels, including the truly hilarious Married With Zombies, Flip This Zombie and Eat, Slay, Love. Until the zombie apocalypse, she lives in the Midwest with her husband and two cats. Find out more about her at jessepetersen.net or follow her on Twitter @jessepet.

Defusing the zomb Guam bomb

30 Apr

You arrive at a dinner party of an old college friend or a colleague from work. Your host greets you and your zombie date graciously at the door. She invites you in, and as she takes your coat, she runs through the basics: hors d’oeuvre on the coffee tables, drinks in the kitchen, zombies in the corner by the ficus. You look up and sure enough, six zombies are herded into the far corner of the living room behind a tall plant.

Welcome to zomb Guam.

A zombie-holding zone, or zomb Guam, as it’s more commonly known, is an area that’s put aside exclusively for zombies to keep them out of the way during a party or event. This practice, which is patently offensive to zombies and the women who date them, has been wholeheartedly condemned by the NAAZP. Nevertheless, many women, particularly those of the older generation, still think it’s perfectly fine to park zombies in a dark corner like they’re strollers.

If zomb Guam happens to you—and if you date a zombie for an appreciable amount of time, it will happen to you—don’t be shocked. Handle the situation with equanimity and give the zombaphobe a reason to blush. Here are four ways to keep your cool.

1. Speak up. Gently suggest to your host that you don’t think it’s entirely appropriate to deposit your date in the corner like an inanimate object. Smile so she knows you’re not judging her or her attitude.  It will be a little awkward because you’re a guest and you don’t want to make waves, but she’s your friend—she’ll understand your concern and respect your opinion.

2. Suggest an alternative. Most zombie zones are tiny. Wanting to concede as little space as possible to brain-munching interlopers, a host will typically cram six or seven zombies into an area large enough for three. Ask your host if the zombies could be relocated to a spare bedroom or a finished basement, any space that’s not currently in use. (Do not propose the room that’s being used to collect coats. It does not further the zombie cause to have a guest go home with skin slippage on her cashmere scarf.) Putting the zombies in a different room provides them with greater comfort while at the same time ensuring they remain separate. If she seems receptive, request that she bring in a  television for their entertainment.

3. Accept it. If you’ve made your case and your host is stubbornly committed to zomb Guam, let it be. After all, you are her guest and you have to respect her wants and wishes. Apologize quietly to your zombie date for the disrespectful treatment and visit him often in his pen. It’s unlikely a zombaphobe will have refreshments on hand for her zombie guests but give the kitchen a thorough once-over  just in case. If the cupboards are bare, check the mousetraps.

4. Plan better. Once you’ve been hit by a zomb Guam bomb, you learn to anticipate it.That’s good. It doesn’t hurt to keep your guard up. The next time you’re invited to a party, ask explicitly if your boyzomb is invited. If she says yes, confirm that he will have the run of the house and not be confined to a tiny zone. Once you know everything, you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to attend. Take heart: As more and more women date zombies, the old-fashioned anti-zombie attitude will become an artifact of the past, as will zomb Guam. Just give it some time.

You’ve got male

25 Apr

Congratulations, girl guide! Despite the astronomical odds not in your favor, you’ve managed to track down and unmask an unzombified human male (UHM). He’s standing before you in all his be-jeweled, be-wigged, be-dressed and be-makeuped man glory. Now what do you do?

Rule #1 No sudden movements.
Blenders—UHMs who dress up as women to blend in with their surroundings—are easily spooked. They assume every woman is a heat-seeking missile waiting for the opportunity to home in on their pelvis and touch their groin.

Rule #2 Don’t touch his groin.
Yes, I know the novelty of a fully intact penis is a lure almost too irresistible to withstand but you must. Even though men divested themselves of all responsibility for society, legally, they still have the same inalienable right not to be touched by a stranger as you do. Unauthorized physical contact is considered harassment in most jurisdictions.

Rule #3 Go in for a good look.
Just because you can’t lay on hands doesn’t mean you can’t caress him with your eyes. Go on, lean in closely. The feel of your breath on his neck doesn’t count as assault. Check out his eyes, nose, face, stubble, jaw line, broad shoulders, anything that seems notable or particularly masculine.

Rule #4 Strike up a conversation.
It’s all right. You can ask him anything. What’s his life like? Does he ever get tired of being pampered and cosseted? How does he live with the fact that he’s a drain on society? What’s his favorite color? The vast majority of UHMs will not answer even the most harmless of questions because they fear engaging with the public. But you might get lucky and find one willing to chat. If so, buy him a latte. UHMs like when women buy them things. It makes them feel special.

Rule #5 Share the love.  
Don’t be shy about your discovery. Tell everyone you know about it. For many women, unzombified human males are more myth than reality, and seeing an actual man in a familiar environment can help affirm their existence. (Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And, no, his skin isn’t molted purple. Yet.) Snap a picture with your phone and send it to your friends and family with the caption: “Look what I found!” Even better, submit it to the New York Post‘s Man Candy Monday contest and win 100 bucks. An unzombified human male and mad money? Best. Day. Ever.