Tag Archives: satisfaction

Zombie-sex misconception #7: Zombies don’t care about your satisfaction

17 Feb

Listen up, Girl Guides, because this one is especially false: Zombies only care about your satisfaction. As dead creatures with reanimated life, they have no pleasure centers in the prefrontal cortex (or any cortex). They don’t eat brains because they enjoy the taste; they eat brains because they’re compelled to. It’s a thoughtless compulsion. The same with sex. Zombies aren’t in it for the orgasm. They don’t  know what an A, B or C is, let alone the Big O. For them, sex is simply another drive. They do it because nature compels them to. At no point will a zombie roll off you and say, “Thanks, honey, I’m good.” You’re the one who’s going to have to do the rolling off (and much of the rocking!). Trust me, that makes all the difference.

And while you’re cuddling with your sweetie in languid postcoital repose, don’t forget to ménage-à-trois with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter, pre-zombie-sex days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Available from Shebooks ($2.99).

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Zombie boyfriend away and you wanna play? Anka Radakovich has your sex toys.

15 Feb

Sexpert Anka Radakovich discusses zombie sex toys.

If your zombie boyfriend is away on business—lumbering after deer on Fire Island, say, with several of his closest undead buddies—or off his meds, you might need a backup plan to take care of your…needs. Never fear. Anka Radakovich, world-famous sex columnist and writer for British GQ, has emergency provisions that will keep you satisfied. 

The perfect sex toys for zombies and the people who date them have arrived!

From its Freaks collection, the Fleshlight Company offers his ‘n’ her sex toys for nights of “necro-feel-ya.” The nasty-looking gray  Zombie Dildo is for the ladies, and the Zombie Fleshlight is the favorite sex toy of zombie males. The fake vagina-in-a-can will suck the life out of him.

The company claims their “cock of the living dead” is made with “the highest-quality, platinum-cured silicone.” The zombie dick is great as a gift to yourself when your zombie is out of town, or to use in case your zombie can’t get it up.

According to Fleshlight, “The zombie wants your brains and the only way to get them is to f**k them out of you!” Dead or alive, the Fleshlight zombie dong has a constant erection.

Columnist, author and screenwriter, Anka Radakovich defined the modern-day sex column with her wildly popular column for Details magazine, which she wrote for nine years. Her hilarious take on sex, dating and relationships, created a devoted following. Currently, she writes a column for British GQ and is finishing her third book. Follow her on twitter @ankarad.