Tag Archives: silver lining

Who gets the door?: Zombie-neutral etiquette for the 21st century

4 Sep

Long before the H1Z1 virus turned 99.9999 percent of all men into zombies, the issue of who should open the door for whom was a hot-button topic. Opinions varied widely on the necessity and utility of chivalry in the modern world, and there were as many definitions of what it meant to be a gentleman as there were gentlemen.

Now, of course, the debate is over. Who gets the door? You.

Every. Single. Time.

The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.

But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. The sad truth is, he simply hasn’t thought of it. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.

There is much to miss with the zombification of the male population—sparking wit, spirited conversation, even the well-thought-out zinger in the middle of a heated argument—but the loss of old-fashioned courtesy is not one of them. Don’t think of it as the end of chivalry. Think of it as the end of awkward pauses at the door. Think of it as the end of unintended offense when you competently open the door for yourself. Think of it as the end of scurrying over the threshold under the arm of a man who won’t let you open the door for him. Think of it as the end of gender inequality as we know it.

Still not convinced? That’s all right. The zombpocalypse has been hard on all of us, and we each adapt to this brave new world at our own pace. So if you don’t want to open the door for yourself, don’t. One of your fellow female human beings will be along in a moment or two and I’m sure she’d be happy to do it for you. Because it’s not the door itself that matters; it’s the portal of possibilities it represents.

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Dating a zombie isn’t settling! Here are 5 reasons why not.

4 Nov

You’re a smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, reasonably attractive (if you do say so yourself!) heterosexual female. You can totally do better than an animated clump of rotting flesh that lives only to consume brains, right?

Right! You are completely awesome and absolutely deserve one of the approximately 3000,000 men left on earth, and with a ratio of 10,000 women to every man, you’ll have no problem finding one!

Uh-oh, what’s that? Feeling some of your confidence slipping away? Don’t worry. Zombies have it all over human males in a variety of ways. Don’t believe me? Check out the top five.

  • Full equality! Your zombie boyfriend won’t feel threatened by your job or how much money you make. What’s more, he won’t complain if you have to cancel plans because of work. He’ll support your career 110 percent and will never require you to compromise it for the good of your relationship.
  • Sociability! Your zombie boyfriend will get along great with all your friends. He’ll never make an obnoxious comment about Sadie’s pretentious dinner parties or Catherine’s appallingly bad fake British accent, and he’ll happily go see your old college roommate in her one-woman off-off-Broadway play, The Menopause Diaries, for the fourth time.
  • No quibbling over clothes! Your zombie boyfriend will let you dress him any way you want. His sense of style is your sense of style. Bow tie? Yes, please. Waistcoat? Double-breasted preferred. Bolero? Bring it on!
  • Elementery etiquette! Your zombie boyfriend will never take out his smartphone and look up the score of the Yankees game in the middle of a romantic dinner for two. He has complete respect for your together time—but he won’t mind if you sneak in a text to your BFF.
  • Complete devotion! Your zombie boyfriend won’t wince at the word commitment or leave you wondering if he’ll call. Dating a zombie means no more mind games, no more sitting by the phone, no more will-he-or-won’t-he conversations, no more ugly scenes at your cousin Judy’s wedding, no more drama. Your days of obsessing over your boyfriend’s every word and action are behind you. Rejoice!

Hat attack!

27 Oct

If you said a, b, c or d, you’ve been watching too many movies.

You’re not the only one. A staggering 82 percent of women in the United Provisional Authority believe zombies love to wear hats, according to a recent survey by XombieLife magazine. And that’s not all: 34 percent believe that putting a yarmulkes on a zombie automatically makes him Jewish.

Why all the lid legends?

The roots of the popular myth go back to the beginning of the variant Y outbreak, when a squad of zombified French Legionnaires in full uniform attacked the Ain Sebaa zoo in Casablanca. The image of the Legionnaires, their pristine white kepis firmly affixed to their heads as they devoured a herd of wildebeest, quickly became the symbol of the world’s decline—the stiff cap of civilization sitting atop a rotting head. The major news outlets reported widely, and erroneously, that this new breed of zombie had an instinctual love of headgear. In reality, they simply lacked the physical dexterity to undo the strap.

And yet the belief persists, sending hundreds of women to the hospital every year with zombie-hat-related injuries. Avoid being one of them: Keep your hat far away from your boyzomb’s head.

But there’s good news too: Zombies aren’t entirely accessories-adverse. They adore shoes—sandals, wedges, stilettos, pumps, boots, flats, heels, you name it. What’s more, they love to go shopping for shoes. Their taste is impeccable, their sense of style inimitable, and a zombie will never, ever complain that you have too many pairs!

Hat for shoes? Hello, fair trade!

Welcome to the zombpocalypse

12 Oct

Yeah, I know that you know that I know that you know things are desperate. Twenty years ago, the H1Z1 variant Y virus wiped out 99.9999 percent of men on earth, leaving behind a couple billion rotting zombies and obliterating all hope of your ever having a satisfying relationship with a living human male.

Blah blah blah.

I’ve heard your sad song before, sister, and I’m here to change your tune.

Those couple billion rotting zombies? They’re ready to commit. They have no fidelity issues. And they love to go shopping for shoes.

In some ways, a zombie boyfriend is even better than a human boyfriend. He never complains if you’re running a little late, and his ego doesn’t get in a twist if you make more money than he. The zombified mind is an enlightened one.

Interested but don’t know where to start? You start here. I’m Hattie Cross and I write the weekly Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies for the Daily Scoopage. I can tell you where to meet a zombie, how to meet a zombie, what to wear when meeting a zombie and what to do once you’ve met him. I’ll give you advice on regulating your boyzomb’s appetite, controlling his stench and curtailing his putrefaction. I’ll even discuss the perennially “icky” topic of zombie sex. Trust me, there are good times ahead.

Welcome to the zombpocalypse. It’s not all bad.