Tag Archives: stinky

Zombie sex misconception #3: zombies are squidgy

1 Dec

OK, so you’ve gotten over the ewww and you’ve overcome the stink, but, you say, there’s still the squidge. Zombies are squidgy. They have gooshy, dampish and unpleasantly yielding skin.

You don’t want to feel that pressed up against you.

Squidginess might have been an issue with previous generations of zombies (although a recent article in The Daily Scoopage posits that this so-called pliancy problem was part of a global smear campaign orchestrated by vampire lovers), but it’s absolutely not a factor for the current crop. Modern medicine ensures that the well-cared-for zombie has the epidermis of a healthy forty-five-year-old. Apply regular firming treatments and your boyzomb will permanently retain the semisoft suppleness of early middle age forever. Banish thoughts of soggy bacon forever!

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Zombie scents and sexability

21 Oct

Back again? I knew you couldn’t stay away. Shiver in horror all you want, but there’s something impossibly compelling about zombie sex.

The second common misconception follows closely on the ewwwy heals of the first: Zombies are stinky.

I’ll be completely honest with you—yes, the zombie on the street smells. If you happen to be downwind of one in a park during public feeding hours, the stench will make your eyes water and your stomach roil. But this is not a new phenomenon. Very frequently, the man on the street smelled, too. Literature from the mid- to late-twentieth century recounts many instances of stinky men on airplanes, subways and buses. European men in particularly were known for eschewing artificial fresheners in favor of an au naturel pungency. Those men had the means not to smell, just as the modern zombie does, yet they chose not to avail themselves. And no doubt they got plenty of sex.

You can make a difference choice.

Scent sanitizers* neutralize zombie smells from the inside by dissolving the malodor molecules and by linking the remaining ones with the active ingredient cyclodextrin. Individual results varies but on average, a scent sanitizer takes two weeks to reach full effectiveness. Once a zombie has been disinfected, apply an external scent such as cologne or musk. What kind? That, my friend, is entirely up to you. Explore your options and don’t be afraid to take your boyzomb shopping for the scent that turns you on. You’ll be glad you did!

*There are several good scent santizers on the market. I like  Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit; available wherever zombaceuticals are sold).