Tag Archives: zombaceuticals

The Zombie Sex–Bacon Issue

2 May

I know you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, and I know you think you’re the only one it happens to. But trust me, you’re not a freak: 82 percent of women crave bacon after having sex with a zombie, according a recent study by the Zombo-Humalogical Intercourse Intercon Research Group. A postcoital BLT is as common as a cigarette.

The reason is simple—xylem sap. (And now you’re thinking, Xylem wha…? You, my friend, are so predictable!)

Xylem sap is the main ingredient in maple syrup, a staple when it comes to flavoring bacon.  Xylem sap is also a major component in the scent sanitizer with which you regularly dose your zombie. Thanks to the abscisic acid, which binds to the odor molecules in putrified flesh, your fetid honey smells as fresh as a forest on a brisk autumn morning. But when the abscisic acid in your zombie’s scent sanitizer interacts with the chemicals in his erectile-dysfunction medication, the compound takes on a sweet-smoky smell. The result: visions of sizzling bacon dance in your head.

Should you give in to the craving? That question is up to you. Each person is different and there’s no universal right or wrong. Many women consider bacon to be one of the best things on earth, and after a rigorous session with their sweetie, they’ve built up an appetite.

My one piece of advice: If you do succumb, go whole hog. Don’t waste your time, money or calories on turkey substitutes. You might be in a relationship with a rotting corpse, but you’re still too good for second best.

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Spa package: Take home the perfect zombie boyfriend

29 Feb

Zombies! They’re still a dime a dozen, but you’ve yet to meet one that qualifies as boyfriend material. If all the zombies you know are too zombiacious, then our first two methods—culling the herd and hitting the slaughterhouse—probably aren’t for you. You need something a little more sophisticated. Method 3 provides sophistication (as well as domestication!) in spades. But you have to be willing to put up with a little pampering. Think you can handle it? Great. Check in to the resort spa of love.

Method 3: Spending a day at the spa

Best suited for:

  • Women with no time to spare
  • Women who like luxury
  • Women who want a low-maintenance relationship
  • Women with large disposable incomes

What it entails: Spending a day at the spa is exactly what it sounds like: You check into a high-end spa in the morning and spend the day being coddled and pampered while the staff presents a series of zombies for your inspection based on a detailed questionnaire you filled in while getting a pedicure.

The advantages: The advantages to a spa zombie are almost impossible to calculate. A zombie from a spa is fully domesticated, which means you get a perfectly groomed specimen whose skin is soft and firm from daily elasticity treatments. He smells as fresh as a daisy and comes with a firmly established drug regimen. All spa zombies are vetted by the spa staff and are trained in comportment. They eat only the highest-quality brains and retain all their limbs and digits.

Biannual checkups are included in all spa packages, as is a month’s supply of all creams, sprays and injections.

A spa zombie requires no effort on your part. You walk in single; you walk out with the perfect boyzomb.

The disadvantages: There only disadvantage to a spa zombie is expense. Prices start at $1,000 and increase incrementally depending on what services you require.

Conclusion: Going the spa route is a simple, high-end, luxurious, no-fuss way to meet a zombie—and what a zombie you’ll meet! Busy career women with no time to spare will delight in the ease and splendor of the experience: They leave with softer, younger skin; perfectly manicured nails; and a boyzomb. Now, that’s what you call one-stop shopping!

Zombie sex misconception #5: Zombies don’t have sex drives

27 Feb

Although the zombie sex drive seems like a recent invention, it has in fact been present in every species of zombie since time immemorial. Zombies, despite their demonlike appetites, are members of the natural world, and every living thing in the natural world has a sex drive. We did not see evidence of it in the three previous zombie outbreaks—the plagues of 1867, 1910 and 1964—because it was overpowered by the zombies’ hunger drive. The two drives coexist, but when the desire for flesh is stronger than the desire for “flesh,” the latter appears not to exist at all.

By controlling the variant Y zombie’s hunger drive, zombaceuticals have freed up his sex drive. So zombies want sex. A lot.

The desire for sex, however, is not always accompanied by the ability to have sex, and in this zombies need a little help. Based on the late-twentieth-century treatment model for erectile dysfunction, drugs like Zombiagra and Zombialis can create a sustained erection for approximately four hours.

Many critics point to the need for drugs as proof that zombies shouldn’t have sex. But history refutes this theory. According to a 1998 study, 5 percent of forty-year-old human males and 15 to 25 percent of sixty-five-year-old human males were unable to—in the vernacular of the time—get it up. Finding a medical solution to their physical problem was hailed as breakthrough. No less can be said for the zombies’ affliction.

Zombie sex misconception #4: Zombies lose arms and legs all the time.

9 Feb

Once upon a time, zombies were a walking junkyard of littered limbs and scattered digits, but the new generation of zombaceuticals successfully halts the breakdown of ligament fibers, the number one cause of limb discharge. Limb retention is almost at a staggering 75 percent, which means most domesticated zombies have the vast majority of their limbs.

And don’t worry: Recent studies show that sex is neither more likely nor less likely to cause a limb mishap, disproving earlier theories that the rigors of intercourse are too much for their fragile frames.

Despite great advances in science, zombies still tend to lose their fingers and toes at an alarming rate and any discussion about zombies and sex would be remiss to not mention it. If a zombie loses a finger or toe during intercourse, stop what you’re doing immediately and fetch your zombie repair kit. Sew the digit back into place, wait ten minutes and resume previous activity.

Odds are, it’ll never happen to you, but it’s smart to be prepared, so make sure to keep your zombie repair kit up to date. Better safe than sorry.

Zombie sex misconception #3: zombies are squidgy

1 Dec

OK, so you’ve gotten over the ewww and you’ve overcome the stink, but, you say, there’s still the squidge. Zombies are squidgy. They have gooshy, dampish and unpleasantly yielding skin.

You don’t want to feel that pressed up against you.

Squidginess might have been an issue with previous generations of zombies (although a recent article in The Daily Scoopage posits that this so-called pliancy problem was part of a global smear campaign orchestrated by vampire lovers), but it’s absolutely not a factor for the current crop. Modern medicine ensures that the well-cared-for zombie has the epidermis of a healthy forty-five-year-old. Apply regular firming treatments and your boyzomb will permanently retain the semisoft suppleness of early middle age forever. Banish thoughts of soggy bacon forever!

Zombie’s little helper

29 Nov

Zombavan. Zombaline. Zombolay. Zomblosec. Zomblichol. Zombitrex.

There are so many zombie pharmaceuticals available today, it’s enough to drive one zombocrazy and send you running for the shelter of an entire bottle of zombavalium. But don’t despair: Finding the right drug regimen for your boyzomb takes only a little bit of effort.

And trust me, it’s entirely worth the effort. An au naturel zombie isn’t pretty.  Remember bipolar cousin Daisy in a manic fit at last year’s family picnic? That scary energy? That crazed look? That strange brightness to her cheeks? All those words pouring out in no particular order?

That’s your boyzomb off his meds.

Terrifying, right?

Some members of society vociferously complain that the use of chemicals to control zombie behavior is turning zombies into, well, zombies. But the truth is we wouldn’t have much of a society without them. It’s only with the advent of zombaceuticals that zombies have become a nondestructive force on civilization. Prior to the first zombie medication, the walking dead were walking appetites. They ate constantly, always foraging for small critters, frequently in your living room.

Of course, the impulse to respect a zombie’s natural brain chemistry—or, rather, his lack thereof—is sincere and understandable. But foregoing zombaceuticals for a more instinctive approach means selling short the exceptionalism of the variant Y zombie. Look at the facts: Variant Y is the first zombie plague not to infect woman. It’s the first zombie plague not to lust after human brains. Why do these exceptions exist? Some cynics insist they are merely unexplained aberrations in the history of zombie behavior. But scientist speculate that these exceptions purposefully exist to provide us with the opportunity to harness the zombie energy for good. The variant Y zombie isn’t the ferocious monster of previous generations by design, and it is our special obligation to help these reliving creatures to become productive members of society.

The secret to a happy, well-adjusted zombie is getting the zombaceutical regimen right.  In the chart below, find the most commonly prescribed drugs and their general recommended doses. Actual doses may vary depending on the height, weight and rate of decay of your zombie.

hate…

need

why

give

try

The way your boyzomb smells like a lethal combo of two-week-old dead cow and microwaved halibut. Scent sanitizer It neutralizes zombie smells from the inside. Two 5 ml vial injections daily for first month, then one 3 ml vial daily Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser
($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit)
When your boyzomb’s finger falls off Limb reinforcer It reinforces the fibers that connect limbs to the body. One 10 ml vial injection daily; one 20 ml superdose monthly Zombavan from Squibblet and Squegee ($5/ regular dose; $20/superdose)
Getting scratched by your boyzomb’s rough skin Moisturizer It eases the drying effects of death and decay. Apply cream to skin morning and night. Zombaline Day and Night Complete Regenerationiste from Geiser and Meyser
($90/3 oz jar)
The strips of skin that peel off your boyzomb’s body Firming serum It improves skin cohesion. Apply a generous amount of serum before moisturizer at night. Zombolay WearRepair Serum by Marper, Harper and May ($120/ 2 oz jar)
Your boyzomb’s inability to get fully into the mood Erectile dysfunction medication It creates an erection that lasts up to four hours. One 10 ml injection whenever you’re rarin’ to go Zombiagra by Geiser and Meyser ($4/dose)
Some of your boyzomb’s worst instincts Behavioral modification medication It regulates appetite, increases pronunciation skills and improves behavior. three 5 ml injections daily Zombichol by Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose)

Zombie scents and sexability

21 Oct

Back again? I knew you couldn’t stay away. Shiver in horror all you want, but there’s something impossibly compelling about zombie sex.

The second common misconception follows closely on the ewwwy heals of the first: Zombies are stinky.

I’ll be completely honest with you—yes, the zombie on the street smells. If you happen to be downwind of one in a park during public feeding hours, the stench will make your eyes water and your stomach roil. But this is not a new phenomenon. Very frequently, the man on the street smelled, too. Literature from the mid- to late-twentieth century recounts many instances of stinky men on airplanes, subways and buses. European men in particularly were known for eschewing artificial fresheners in favor of an au naturel pungency. Those men had the means not to smell, just as the modern zombie does, yet they chose not to avail themselves. And no doubt they got plenty of sex.

You can make a difference choice.

Scent sanitizers* neutralize zombie smells from the inside by dissolving the malodor molecules and by linking the remaining ones with the active ingredient cyclodextrin. Individual results varies but on average, a scent sanitizer takes two weeks to reach full effectiveness. Once a zombie has been disinfected, apply an external scent such as cologne or musk. What kind? That, my friend, is entirely up to you. Explore your options and don’t be afraid to take your boyzomb shopping for the scent that turns you on. You’ll be glad you did!

*There are several good scent santizers on the market. I like  Zombreeze from Geiser and Meyser ($2/dose or $90/3-month starter kit; available wherever zombaceuticals are sold).