Zombie-Sex Misconception #8: Zombies can’t find the clitoris

To be fair, this one actually is true: Zombies can’t find the clitoris—at least, not on their own. Like the majority of human males throughout history, zombies are oblivious to the charms of this  sensitive little nub. But once you make it known to them, they’re able to apply themselves accordingly for as long as you require.

The best part? There’s none of the embarrassment reportedly attached to showing an unzombified human male where it is. According to women’s magazines from the latter half of the twentieth century, few things were more awkward than telling a partner where the clitoris is. A commonly suggested technique advised silently moving your partner’s finger to the prescribed place. This method allowed you to avoid a potentially humiliating conversation.

This sort of discretion is unnecessary with a zombie. You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification. Your zombie boyfriend won’t mind because he doesn’t have one.

And while you’re savoring the results of a successful hunting expedition, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Zombie boyfriend theft—it does happen

Zombies! They’re abundant and available and yet you can’t help but feel all the good ones are taken. It might be the truth, it might be a case of grass-is-always-green-itis, but for some women the only boyzomb that will do is the one on another woman’s arm. Poaching is a reprehensible betrayal of sisterhood and the fourth way in our series on how to meet a zombie.

Method 4: Stealing Another Woman’s Boyzomb

Best suited for…

• Women with no conscience

What it entails: Meeting a fully domesticated zombie who is already in a relationship, luring him with tempting brain treats when no one is looking and taking him home

The advantages: All of the benefits of a fully domesticated zombie with none of the effort or expense

The disadvantages: Having to live with your immoral, unethical self

Conclusion: Women who steal other women’s boyzombs are unscrupulous creatures who don’t deserve to live in a principled and civilized society. All BZ poachers should be exiled to the wilds of suburbia and made to exist on vending machine Spam and cream soda.

And while you’re feeling morally superior to bzomb stealers, don’t forget to check out Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Zombie-sex misconception #7: Zombies don’t care about your satisfaction

Listen up, Girl Guides, because this one is especially false: Zombies only care about your satisfaction. As dead creatures with reanimated life, they have no pleasure centers in the prefrontal cortex (or any cortex). They don’t eat brains because they enjoy the taste; they eat brains because they’re compelled to. It’s a thoughtless compulsion. The same with sex. Zombies aren’t in it for the orgasm. They don’t  know what an A, B or C is, let alone the Big O. For them, sex is simply another drive. They do it because nature compels them to. At no point will a zombie roll off you and say, “Thanks, honey, I’m good.” You’re the one who’s going to have to do the rolling off (and much of the rocking!). Trust me, that makes all the difference.

And while you’re cuddling with your sweetie in languid postcoital repose, don’t forget to ménage-à-trois with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter, pre-zombie-sex days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love.

Available from Shebooks ($2.99).

Winterize your zombie

As snow continues to blanket the Northeast on a seemingly daily basis, I thought it was time to remind my fellow Girl Guides of a few seasonal rules. Most people think that zombies are inured to the cold because they are non-blooded creatures. The sad truth is, the lack of a heartbeat is often accompanied by a lack of sense! When was the last time your boyzomb realized his hand had frozen off? Exactly.

Follow these simple rules for a happy, safe and fun winter. 

Shed the sled. Few things compare with the exhilarating feeling of flying down a hill with the wind in your hair and your honey’s arms around your waist. But think twice before indulging in this cold-air thrill. A zombie’s permanent state of decay means a seemingly harmless tumble on a Flexible Flyer can result in an inconvenient amputation or disfiguring scar (aw, but you’ll love him anyway!). Even light boogie boards pose a risk: The rope used to pull it up the hill has been known to cause unexpected decapitations when not handled proper (i.e., by you).

Flee the skies. To be fair, skies are a lot less harmful to your rottie hottie than a sled. ZombSports’ new hip boots made of space-age polymers provide the extra support your zombie needs to balance on two skies. But space-age polymers can’t get you to the top of the mountain, and neither can your zombie. Remember your first time getting on the chairlift or—gasp of humiliation!—the T-bar? Remember that flop of shame? That’s your zombie every single time. Instead, cozy up in the lodge for hot chocolate and some quality canoodling.

Pummel the shovel. Just how much shoveling fun your boyzomb has depends on your goal. If you want your sidewalk to be cleared of snow and safe for people to pass, then you might want to expend a little elbow grease yourself. However, if your goal is to spread as much snow as possible on your neighbor’s walk and passing pedestrians, then your zombie boyfriend is ready, willing and able (yes, able!) to serve. There are few things zombies love more than moving snow around with a shovel and they can do it with surprising dexterity. Just don’t expect precision. A zombie doesn’t so much clear the sidewalk as make an absolute mess of it. Still, fun is fun, even if it isn’t clean!

And while you’re keeping warm this winter, don’t forget to snuggle up with Love in the Time of Zombies, a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love!

Available from Shebooks for $2.99.

 

Hattie Cross tells all

Sure, you’re deep in the love bubble with your rottie hottie now, but it hasn’t always been this way. Once upon a time—maybe at the very beginning of the plague, maybe a dozen years in—you swore you’d never, ever date a zombie. You’d have to be dead five days yourself before you’d even consider going to the movies with a decomposing corpse.

And yet here you are: sharing a Neflix account.

Life’s full of surprises.

You don’t have to tell me. When I started my journalism career as a cub reporter (er, intern) for the Xombie Review, the last thing I  expected was to one day write the definitive how-to for meeting and dating zombies. I was just was as boy crazy as the rest of womankind—that is, crazy enough to think I’d actually meet a boy. Roughly 300,000 unzombified human males left on the planet and I’d somehow bump into one in line at the supermarket.

That’s right, girl guides, even I succumbed to the magical thinking that affected so many of our mothers, who believed the H1Z1 virus would naturally run its course and turn our fathers back into the nurturing human beings they’d mostly been.

What changed my mind? Wouldn’t you like to know!

Well, now you can: LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES, my new tell-all soon to be released from Shebooks, gives all the gritty details of my transformation from zombie hater to zombie lover. Cringe at my first zombie date! Wince as I try to break into a secret government facility! Cheer as I grow as a person!

Heart, wit, suspense—this story has it all. And check out the cover. See that cool upside-down heart blood drop? That represents the topsy-turvy world we live in. Clever, right?! Look for LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES later this month.

The golden rule: Girls before ghouls

You don’t have to tell me about the giddy exuberance of a new romance. I know far too well how easy it is to get caught up in the minutia of a new partner: the adorable hesitance with which he nibbles the edge of a cow brain before digging in, the  sweet-acrid singe of his skin as he smells a burning candle, the slightly shameful tilt of his head when you catch him trying to eat your cat. The pleasures of a new relationship are many, even with a zombie boyfriend, and it’s easy to close yourself off in your own little love bubble.

Resist the urge.

Although the love bubble feels like a reassuringly warm and lovely cocoon, it’s in fact a treacherous place to be. Relationships with zombies, even the best of them, are temporary. One day, your boyzomb will disappear. Maybe he’ll follow some other woman home. Maybe he’ll get lost in a crowd. Maybe he’ll simply decay into a mound of slushy gray mushiness. At that moment, you’ll look around for your friends and they won’t be there. You won’t even be able to remember when or how you lost them. Because that’s what the love bubble does—makes you oblivious to everything but your love.

But that doesn’t have to be you, weeping alone in a dark corner, uncomforted by the warm hug of caring friends. You can overcome the lure of the love bubble by following one simple rule: girls before ghouls.

Here’s how it works: You want to take your boyzomb to the slaughterhouse for a very special, 17-day anniversary dinner but it’s also your bestie Tabitha’s birthday. You’d rather watch that adorable cow-brain nibble of your new crush, but rather than succumb, reschedule for the next night and take your BFF for dinner instead. Your pal will give you best-buddy points for pushing back such an important event, your zombie boyfriend won’t know the difference (17 days, 18 days, 1,265 days—it’s all the same to him) and you’ll get the lovely satisfaction of doing the right thing. It’s win-win-win.

Now, that’s what I call giddy exhuberance.

Who gets the door?: Zombie-neutral etiquette for the 21st century

Long before the H1Z1 virus turned 99.9999 percent of all men into zombies, the issue of who should open the door for whom was a hot-button topic. Opinions varied widely on the necessity and utility of chivalry in the modern world, and there were as many definitions of what it meant to be a gentleman as there were gentlemen.

Now, of course, the debate is over. Who gets the door? You.

Every. Single. Time.

The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.

But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. The sad truth is, he simply hasn’t thought of it. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.

There is much to miss with the zombification of the male population—sparking wit, spirited conversation, even the well-thought-out zinger in the middle of a heated argument—but the loss of old-fashioned courtesy is not one of them. Don’t think of it as the end of chivalry. Think of it as the end of awkward pauses at the door. Think of it as the end of unintended offense when you competently open the door for yourself. Think of it as the end of scurrying over the threshold under the arm of a man who won’t let you open the door for him. Think of it as the end of gender inequality as we know it.

Still not convinced? That’s all right. The zombpocalypse has been hard on all of us, and we each adapt to this brave new world at our own pace. So if you don’t want to open the door for yourself, don’t. One of your fellow female human beings will be along in a moment or two and I’m sure she’d be happy to do it for you. Because it’s not the door itself that matters; it’s the portal of possibilities it represents.

Free Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies condoms!

We know. We know. The last thing a Girl Guide like you needs in her zombie-dating surival kit is a condom. Needle and thread for unexpected limb loss? Oh, yeah. Freeze-dried cat brains to ward off attacks on your neighbor’s dog? A must. But condoms? Sex with a zombie is 100 percent risk-free—no muss, no fuss and, if you’re having a particularly good day, no detatched digits. (And if you aren’t, you have your handy sewing kit at the ready!)

We’re totally on your page, so we know you’ll get a kick out of these post-human-male-intercourse-era condoms. Use them as coasters, Christmas Tree decorations or bookmarks. Unwrap a few, blow them up amd play zombie-condom-balloon dodge ball. The possibilities are endless.

But don’t let the irony fool you. These condoms are FDA-approved and entirely functional. Plus, they’re good until June 2016—which gives you plenty of time to invent a cure for zombism, administer it and wait for the zombie of your dreams to turn back into a human male.

Intrigued? Hooked? Unable to take another breath without sporting a zombie-condom pin on your lapel right this very minute? No worries. This hot new fashion accessory and relic of a bygone age can be yours with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. Buy a copy anytime from February 13 to February 20 and send the receipt to ZombieDatingCentral
@gmail.com and we’ll drop a condom in the mail to you. It’s that easy. Want a matching pair of condoms to wear as earrings? Buy two books. Want to make a belt? Buy two dozen. Whatever works for you.

So go buy a book now and send us the receipt. Condom-distribution experts are standing by!

Offer good while supplies last, so act now.

Zombies make whoopie

Here at the Girls’ Guide, we know what really makes the world go round: love…of yummy sweet treats. Sure, canoodling with your sweetheart is pretty swell, too, but nothing beats a warm-from-the-oven whoopee pie.

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So to kick off this holiday season, we’re offering Girl Guides (and Boy Guides, if we happen to find any under the Christmas tree) a free whoopie pie with the purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies. There’s no better way to relax and reenergize than with a One Girl Cookies whoopie pie. See you there!

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WHAT: Free whoopie pie with purchase of The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies.

WHERE: One of two One Girl Cookies locations in Brooklyn: Dumbo (33 Main Street at the corner of Water Street) and Cobble Hill (64 Dean Street between Smith Street and Boerum Place)

WHEN: Friday, November 30th through Sunday, December 2nd

WHY: Because One Girl Cookies whoopie pies totally rock! Even Martha Stewart called them “a flavorful and crowd-pleasing party treat.”

HOW: Present a valid receipt for The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies; printed receipts and digital receipts displayed on a laptop, tablet or smartphone will be accepted. The offer is limited to one whoopie pie per receipt and is available while supplies last.

Summer loving with the living dead

Summer doesn’t have to be a bummer just because your main squeeze gets extra squishy in the heat. We’ve got your fun-in-the-sun survival tips right here.

1. Lay it on thick. Increased temperatures mean increased decay, so be sure to apply two or three extra doses of skin-firming cream to your boyzomb each day. The patented hydrolipids will keep what remains of his skin  supple, not slippery.

2. Keep the home fires burning. Summertime means hamburgers and hot dogs cooked on the grill, but nothing draws a zombie to his doom faster than the hypnotizing flicker of an open flame. So play it safe and bring your barbecue indoors. Prepare hot dogs in the microwave and hamburgers on the stove top. As soon as everything is cooked, bring it outside and have a romantic picnic by flashlight. Worried about mosquitoes and other nippy pests? Don’t be. The oil in your boyzomb’s decaying skin is the best bug repellent ever invented.

3. Give the beach a wide berth. If you thought getting sand out of your bathing suit was difficult, just wait until you try to get it out of the folds of your zombie boyfriend’s skin. The phrase stuck on you will take on a whole new meaning. If you’re craving the wet, check out the pool at your local country club. You’ll avoid the sand trap, and the chlorine in the water will give your zombie a healthy green glow. Plus, you can get french fries delivered poolside. Nothing says postapocalyptic bliss like eating greasy fries while your zombie boyfriend does cannonballs. Heaven!